3 Reasons I Said “Yes!” to Marrying Him

All week I’ve enjoyed sharing my journey from “boy-crazy to my man” with you. Thanks for being interested in the love story God scripted for us! If you’ve missed the first three parts to this story, you can read them here:

It wasn’t always easy, getting to where we are today. There were lots of ups and downs; many times I wondered if we’d make it. But my doubts never lasted long. I think this journal entry will explain why:

It seems our relationship is characterized by the most important things: Christ; communication that’s open, humble, loving, and excellent; and community. I couldn’t move forward without a single one of these.

Trevor has consistently pointed me to Christ rather than away from Him.

1. Relationship Secret #1: Christ

Trevor and I are fairly different, but Jesus Christ truly is the foundation of our relationship, which is more than enough common ground. Here are two entries from my journal to give you a taste of how Trevor has consistently pointed me to Christ rather than away from Him:

Trevor prayed last night, thanking God for bringing us together from so far apart, asking that in some small way we could reflect the gospel to those around us. I realized that when I asked friends to pray that I’d enjoy God and I’d enjoy Trevor, I didn’t see those two as intersecting at all. To me, romance has always been something to hide from God, not something to share with God and thank Him for and revel in Him. (How wrong I was!)

And one more entry, from a visit I made to New York:

We played “What Am I Thinking” and “Would You Rather.” His options were hilarious. Then he asked if we wanted to pray through the Lord’s Prayer. It was hard for me to turn my mind toward worshiping God, but so sweet and needed.”

2. Relationship Secret #2: Communication

Trevor and I have had excellent communication. Sure, starting out long distance helped. Talking was our only option, other than a monthly visit. But it’s more than that.

Mostly it’s been Trevor’s humble responses and probing questions that have given me more and more courage to share openly with him. I can’t tell you how huge this has been in my life; until Trevor, I always “held back.” Here’s one example from my journal, about a Skype conversation:

As were were about to go, I asked Trevor if he’d pray for me. I got teary. I told him I was kinda anxious about his visit . . . His response was beautiful . . . He asked if there was more.

I didn’t want to tell him, but I admitted that I worry I might be getting into a relationship with an angry man. He responded amazingly and thoughtfully.

He said he was sorry multiple times.
That I didn’t deserve that.
That he didn’t want me to have to have any caution flags with him.
That he would be repenting of his sin.
That he’s still growing out of selfishly thinking his sin only impacts him and the person he’s sinned against.

He said he already has some action ideas for what to do next. And he said a lot, “Anything I say feels worthless ’til you see some change.” Although he’s also confessed he’s a sinner and this will probably be a life-long process, but he didn’t want that to be an excuse.

Trevor has modeled humility time and time again in our conversations. He has also not hidden sin from me, but confessed it. As a result, I trust him—with my inmost thoughts, fears, and struggles.

3. Relationship Secret #3: Community

The fact that Trevor is so deeply rooted in community has given me great confidence. He loves his local church body. In addition to running sound, playing guitar, and doing their books, he leads a small group and participates in a discipleship group an elder leads. Because he’s surrounded himself with people, I’ve been able to hear from others who have known Trevor a lot longer than I have what they think of him. (That’s invaluable as a girl considers marriage!)

From the start Trevor was intentional about introducing me to his friends (he even tried to get some girls to host a girls night while I was in town!). This has meant that when I moved to New York a couple months ago (to live with a family from his church until our wedding day), I’ve had instant community through the relationships he’s already built.

We’ve also been able to do premarital counseling with an elder/counselor, and get a wise, outside perspective on our relationship.

All three of these C’s—Christ, communication, and community—caused me to joyfully and confidently said “yes!” when Trevor got down on one knee this past April and read me a Shakespearean sonnet he’d written:

. . . I journeyed far to gain this precious rose,
By land and air through darkness deep inside.
I’ll carry her through thorns and fears below,
Held by His hand in raging storms and tides.

The rising Day will banish soon the night,
Sojourn with me ’til then, and be my wife.

How about you? Would you ever consider marrying a man without Christ, communication, and community being a part of your relationship? Why or why not?

Then, check back tomorrow for a wrap-up to this series as well as a chance to win a copy of my book, Confessions of a Boy-Crazy Girl: On Her Journey from Neediness to Freedom.

About Author

Paula Marsteller

Paula no longer tries to catch guys' attention by swallowing live goldfish, arm wrestling, and jumping down flights of stairs. (She's married to a wonderful man now!) She spends her days caring for her son, Iren, and writing for Revive Our Hearts. She's the author of Confessions of a Boy-Crazy Girl: On Her Journey from Neediness to Freedom, and she and her family live in New York.

HEY, GIRLS! We love hearing from you, but feel limited in the ways we can help. For one thing, we’re not trained counselors. If you’re seeking counsel, we encourage you to talk to your pastor or a godly woman in your life as they’ll know more details and can provide you with ongoing accountability and help. Also, the following comments do not necessarily reflect the views of Revive Our Hearts. We reserve the right to remove comments which might be unhelpful, unsuitable, or inappropriate. We may edit or remove your comment if it:

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  • Kandace

    Thanks for sharing your story with us! It’s encouraging to see how you and trevor have worked through your imperfections and have grown together through your relationship. God truly writes the best love stories, and sometimes the hardest part is allowing Him to script it and leaving the pen in His hands. =)

  • Sarah

    Wow, your entire story is incredibly beautiful. You two are so blessed to have each other, and I’m thankful for your testimonies. Reading this has made me realize that being in a relationship shouldn’t be as easy as the world around you wants to believe. Sure, you should have fun together, but you also need to learn to respect yourself and each other on a deep level. I haven’t been in a relationship yet, but I’m sort of in the beginning stages of one that may soon become long distance, and it’s scaring me. I’m afraid to be away from him, but I made the commitment to put my entire relationship in God’s hands after reading one of your previous posts this week. I told God that I was tired of constantly wondering about him and when/if he would reach out to me nearly every day. I was tired of hoping he would text, as days and weeks went by with no messages from him. So three nights ago, I gave the relationship and all my expectations for it to God, and asked Him to give me some sort of push in the direction I needed to go with this boy- whether it would be to keep our relationship as friends or start something more. Since the boy hadnt been pursuing any contact with me before my prayer, I felt content that God just wanted us to be friends. It felt like a weight of worry was off my shoulders. Sure, I really really enjoyed this guy’s company and I’d liked him for quite some time, but I also knew that God knows what’s best, and I had to let this door with the boy close if I wanted a new one to open. However, the next day, the boy texted me completely out of blue, and we carried on a conversation for hours that was unlike any conversation we’d had before. He seemed so much more interested in me than he’d ever been before and was acting really flirty with everything he said. After we finished texting and I went to bed, I prayed to God again, telling him the relationship was still in His hands. Now, I’m confused. I don’t think it was coincidence that the boy texted me the night after I poured my heart out to God, but I’ve never believed that God would want us to carry out a relationship when we were 1200 miles apart. Sorry this is so long, but does anyone have any advice for me?

    • Chelsea

      I’ve kind of been in a similar situation where I really liked this guy and I gave everything to God but I wasn’t too sure if he was the right one for me or if he truly liked me. What I can say is prayer, time and communication are keys in any relationship. Give everything to God and He’ll work everything out. He knows your heart and He knows if this guy is really the right guy for you so know that God has everything under control. When it comes to love, love patient and love is kind right? So be patient,don’t try to figure anything out on your own. Proverbs 3:5-6 is proof of that. Also, communication is HUGE. Talk to someone you trust; someone who relies on the Holy Spirit for wisdom about this; whether it’s one of your parents, a Godly woman from your church, anyone who will give you Godly advice. I’ll be praying for you!!!

      • Sarah

        Thank you so much! That part about love being patient really struck a chord with me, and I thank you for taking the time to give me such great advice <3

    • phendricks

      Dear Sarah,

      I’m so proud of you for seeking to trust God with your love life. I think the only thing you can conclude from the timing of this guy’s conversation with you is that . . . you get another opportunity to trust God. 🙂

      God isn’t interested in playing a guessing game with you. He will lead you through His written Word. Be sure that you’re seeking Him each day through it.

      I’d encourage you to be open to a long distance relationship . . . IF he’s a godly man, and IF he makes it extremely clear through his words that he wants to pursue a committed relationship with you.

      Praying for you now,

      paula

      • Sarah

        He is a godly man, and if he does make any steps towards a long distance relationship, I know he’ll be committed. The only thing I’m worried about is whether a long distance relationship will be fair to him, as I don’t want him meeting an amazing godly girl where he is, and not getting the oppurtunity to be with her because he’s in a long distance relationship with the girl at home (me). Thanks so much for your advice, it really helped 🙂

  • Anon A

    I need help. How do you pray to God about these things? When circumstances seem to tell you it’s not it, how do know when to stop hoping for it? To be honest, he’s been making some moves, but I’m the one who swats him away because I just dunno how to deal with these things. I might be sending him signals that I don’t like him, when in fact, I do. I think I just blew my chance. How do you ask God for help about this? By the way, congrats!!!

    • phendricks

      Dear Anon,

      It’s hard for me to really speak into your situation without knowing more of the details. Is there an older, godly woman in your life who you can share the specifics with?

      When you say he’s been making some moves, what do you mean by that? And what has caused you to swat him away?

      Re. your question about how to pray to God about these things, do you have a personal relationship with God through Jesus Christ? If so, you can boldly, honestly, tearfully pour out your heart. Prayers for wisdom are a great place to start. Of course, He gives us wisdom through His Word. Are you reading His Word each day?

      I look forward to hearing from you,

      ph

  • Becca<3

    Such a beautiful story! I’ve tried making the little checklists of desirable character traits in a husband, but I’ve never been able to narrow down exactly what the absolutely necessary requirements are and what are just preferences. Now I have these 3 absolutes! Thank you so much for this post:) It’s easier now for me to see exactly why guys I’ve liked in the past don’t/didn’t measure up, and it’s a good tool to use in the future!

  • Rebecca Dixon

    This post made me tear up a little. I have really enjoyed reading these last few blog posts this week, they opened my eyes. I have struggled with being a boy-crazy girl most of my life and now that I’m 26 and still single it feels like it’s getting harder. When I was 18 I met a guy and had a crush on him for a little while. The past couple of years I’ve been running into him at different things like bible camp, and youth worker retreats. I’ve gotten to know him a little better now than I did 8 years ago. He’s a really sweet guy, and someone I could see myself marrying someday. I am guilty of praying that God will bring him to my town for some kind of event, or running into him again somewhere so I can get to know him even more. I know that’s not what I should be praying for though.

  • kylie j

    love it! but Anon A what do you mean by swatting him away?

  • Jeannie

    I did marry a man with the 3 “c’s” in mind. I’d add one more thing for a lady to consider before saying “yes”. How well of a relationship does the guy have with his mother…that’s how he’ll treat you!

    • Really….!!!! I never thought about that…!!! It’s nice to know about this..!!! Finally marriage is not a one day play….much goes into it before saying ‘yes’ to the man.

  • Aww, I was right! This was a sweet series of posts:) You two were both blessed with great people… The Lord works in interesting ways:) Thank you!

    -Jazzy

  • Wonderful….such a nice God written love story… So practical….and there’s no room for fantasy here. Paula.. am glad U shared this with us….it’s giving me hope and also helps me to draw a Godly scale of measurement for my future husband. God bless You.

  • T

    Such a wonderful love story!
    Girls i wna share smthng wt u here & need ur Godly advice..
    My local church doesn’t have too many members (im Mediterranean, living in an Arab country)..My sincere wish is to marry a Godly man, so that i cud enjoy the triple C-s, yet the chances that i hv currently are from non-spiritual guyz (not gna tell Not Godly as it may gv the impression if Immoral)..Honestly im quite interested in 1 of these men & this is my plan: to invite him to my church & let everything very friendly, till he repents & accepts Jesus Christ as the King of his life & decides walking in His paths..I think this is the only option i have, ofcourse this will be under d supervision of my church’s Pastor & elders..I think in d US u hv more options to meet new guyz, since ur churches are big & hv many more members than here in the place im living.. So in opinion girlz, shud i wait n pray for a miracle? Or shud i pursue one of the 2 options i hv frm outside but move strategically to examine d genuine motives of d person..
    Need ur advice plz..
    May God bless y’all! <3

    • Claire

      I love how you’re willing to follow Christ’s standards. Let me challenge you with this: wait for God to bring a guy across your path who truly loves the Lord and serves Him with all his heart, soul, mind, and strength (Mark 12:30). Don’t think you can try to fix the bad guys because, in reality, you can’t! What ends up happening is that they drag you down rather than you pulling them up. Remember, God parted the Red Sea, Jesus fed 5,000 people, and ultimately, He conquered sin and death on that cross! So I am most certainly sure that He can write your love story. Wait and let Him work. God All-Powerful can do so much more beyond what we dare ask or imagine (Ephesians 3:20).

      Blessings,
      Claire

      • Kate

        I agree with you, Claire! We can’t change the bad boys! But we can pray for them and show them God’s love! 🙂

    • phendricks

      What Claire said, T. 🙂

      Your options are:

      1) Take matters into your hands.
      2) Trust God to provide exactly what He, Your Creator, Savior, and Friend, knows you need.

      I think of Sarah in the Old Testament, who tried to “help” God out by giving her maid to her husband in order to produce an heir. The amount of trouble that resulted from her taking matters into her own hands is . . . incalculable.

      Praying that you will not fear anything that is frightening, because you know how mighty and good your God is,

      paula

  • Elyonara Borges

    Thank you for sharing your love story. It is helping me a lot !!!!

    I feel encouraged by God through your experience! Thank you so much!

    May God bless your marriage!

  • Joy

    Thank you for sharing your personal love story. Even though God has really blessed you with a wonderful relationship, you aren’t bragging at all. I really appreciate that. I would love to be blessed in the same way. So often I meet a guy, think it’s perfect, and then have to move on after God gently tells me that He has something better in mind. Perhaps He will never bring a great godly guy into my life, but that would also be okay. He is truly enough. I also love how you didn’t pursue Trevor at all. He took the initiative, and that is so rare and beautiful. As a girl, it is quite assuring actually that I don’t have to make something happen. Either God will make it happen through a guy, or not. I’m only 19, but even if I’m still single at 90, God is my one great love! It would be nice to have godly husband someday, but I know that my life won’t be any less fuffiling and meaningful with out one.

  • Kate

    Wow, Paula! 🙂 How did you know he was the one for you? Just like any other 17-year-old (going on 18), who has a desire to marry a godly man, I struggle with knowing if a guy is right for me. Every day I ask God to help me. I tell Him my feelings about a guy, and I’ve also told Him that I feel confused about my thoughts. Every day I ask God to help me figure out my confusion. Hang in, there, single girls! We can wait for God’s timing! We just need to ask Him to help us be patient!

  • genesis herrera

    Hey Paula!! I dont know how you feel about his but im actyally really scared about getting married. Im olny 14 but just saty with me!!!! the reason why im so scared to get married is because well.. when i was young i was sexually abused and my disiers and needs have been out of control. im really scared about what he will say when i tell him about it..i dont whant him to think of me as trash! Also im in a home of where i have a dad on who i feel dosent love me. even though hes there at home..i feel like i know what its like to be fatherless. And i also have seen a very,very,very bad realationship with my folks at home. I have seen so many ugly fights in the last 17 years that my parent have been married, that i have to begg my mom to not divores my dad. And when i think about this whole marrage stuff i get scared bacause im worried that im gonna be like my dad or that my husband is gonna be like him and my kids are gonna feel the way i have felt all my life buy a “father” in their life. So to avoid all this mess.. i just avoid guys and my affection for them as much as possible. But i do pray to God about this and i dont know wether or not he wants me to get married or to stay singel. I have found love in God but the pain of my dad is still hard on me. Do u think that marrage is good for me after all ive been through?

    • Carrie @ Revive Our Hearts

      Sweet genesis herrera,

      Our hearts grieve to know the suffering you’ve experienced as a child. The abuse committed against you was wrong, genesis herrera, and I’m sorry you so grievously sinned against.

      The really, really, REALLY good news is that you are not trash! You have been sinned against, but you are beautifully and wonderfully created! The God of the Universe says so! You can trust Him with His plans for your life, friend.

      So for now, would you ask Jesus to help you love your dad – regardless of his response to you?

      Praying these posts will be an encouragement to you today, friend:

      http://www.liesyoungwomenbelieve.com/if-only-my-dad-would-love-me/
      and http://www.liesyoungwomenbelieve.com/if-only-i-had-a-dad/.

      Grace and peace,
      Carrie

      • genesis herrera

        thank you so much!!! im working on being like christ and it is difficult…i have read the love chapter so many times…but never ever knew what it really ment….trying to offer my dad forgiveness is hard to do…like really hard…I think God tells me that he will change but its hard for me to believe that….i just try to focus on myself getting the help i need and becoming more like Jesus…its hard but i take it day buy day

        • Carrie @ Revive Our Hearts

          You’re so right to focus on getting your own heart right, genesis herrera. You cannot control or change your dad’s heart, but you can entrust him into the hands of God who is more than able to do a mighty work in his life as well.

          If you’d like a copy of a book entitled Choosing Forgiveness by Nancy Leigh DeMoss, you may contact me at info@reviveourhearts.com. We’d be happy to send you a copy as our gift.

          Abundant blessings to you today, friend ~
          Carrie

          • genesis herrera

            thank you but no thanks on the book…im working on God Girl and just got a new book on Fear and i wanna focus on those…it is hard to trust someone when you’ve always been hurt and wounded buy people…especially one you live with…so im working on letting God hold my heart even if its bleeding and im scared the cut is going to get bigger…i just feel worried about guys and im trying to not be scared

          • Carrie @ Revive Our Hearts

            Good for you, friend. Praying for you today.

            Grace and peace,
            Carrie

  • genesis herrera

    also am i in danger of being gay??

    • Carrie @ Revive Our Hearts

      We are all in “danger” of choosing our own path rather than God’s way, genesis herrera.
      Those who struggle with same-sex attraction must say, “no” to desires that are not honoring to God and “ yes” to God’s ways. We all battle selfish desires, friend. We must all lay down those desires and choose to walk in God’s path – which, by the way, is always gloriously good, and right, and filled with joy, and peace, and abundant delights!

      Blessings to you, friend!
      Carrie

  • Gabrielle

    Awesome points. All of them are extremely important when getting married for sure. Is it really wise to have such a relationship with a guy online when you’ve never met him, even though he is a Christian? I’m not so sure. @phendricks:disqus

    • phendricks

      Dear Gabrielle,

      Good question. 🙂 I think it’s absolutely possible to be wise online just as you would seek to be in any other area of life.

      In God’s sovereignty, I bumped into Trevor on Twitter. We weren’t seeking out a romantic relationship; that’s just how God orchestrated our story.

      As for dating Trevor, that didn’t happen until after we had met in person.

      I hope that helps answer your question a bit,

      paula

      • Gabrielle

        Thanks so much for responding to me. I really appreciate it! God bless!