8 Guidelines for Breaking up with Him

I still remember how it felt, standing in the basement hallway after Wednesday night youth group, awkwardly and tearfully ending my relationship with my boyfriend. It was as altogether awful as my seventeen-year-old self could’ve expected—but it didn’t end there. The following weeks turned into a bumpy, gravely road of maybe-we’ll-get-back-together texts and I-miss-you notes.

My heart was limping and wavering, and though it was the right decision to end that relationship, I lost all my resolve to stand firm in my reasoning. Confusion, sadness, and a paranoid worry of someone else snatching him up clouded my mind.

His friendship had defined my identity for more than a year, and his sweetness made me feel ridiculously secure. But I could see the red flags flapping in the wind; I knew the right step was a breakup. My stomach wretched at the thought.

So began the confusing explanation of “We need to take a break because this isn’t best for us right now, even though I’m so upset I can hardly breathe, and maybe we’ll be able to date again in the future, and so I think we should keep talking and stay friends.”

It was messy. It didn’t make sense. We didn’t break up well. So armed with regrettably bad breakup experience, I’m here to offer you these eight do’s and don’ts when it comes to ending a relationship. These aren’t hard-and-fast rules to abide by; they’re lessons to help you seek God’s best, cope with heartache, and treat a guy’s heart with honor.

1. Don’t let guilt rule the day.

There’s no way around it—ending a relationship feels like you’re dumping an icy bucket of rejection over a guy’s head. The guilt can be crippling.

I still remember the tears that fell down his cheeks. Talk about gut-wrenching.

But guilt over hurting a guy’s feelings shouldn’t manipulate you to change your mind or avoid telling the truth. It might break your heart that you’re breaking his heart, but hold firm to what’s best for you both. If you shouldn’t be together, you simply shouldn’t be together. Heartbreak will be part of the process; you don’t need to crumble under the weight of guilt.

It’s not wrong to break up with someone. You can trust God to heal his wounds when you do.

My friend Paula offers wise counsel on this subject: Trust God with a guy’s broken heart. (Where were these glorious and freeing words when I was seventeen?)

It’s not wrong to break up with someone. You can trust God to heal his wounds when you do. And when the enemy tries to strangle you with guilt, keep dropping it before God in faith.

2. Speak the tough truth.

It’s easier to say, “Something just doesn’t feel right,” rather than saying, “I see some red flags in your character, so we need to break things off.”

Be straightforward, and tell the truth. If your relationship is totally distracting you from Jesus, tell him that. If he has treated you in an emotionally abusive manner, tell him that. If your relationship has veered down a sinful path, tell him that’s the reason you need to end it.

Don’t fall into the trap of devising complicated Christianese excuses that shift the blame to God, like “God doesn’t want us to be together right now.” What does that actually mean?

Give him concrete reasons, even if they’re difficult to say. You will demonstrate the love of Christ if you speak the specific truth tenderly.

Nope, it’s not easy to say things like . . .

. . . your rebellion against authority is a big issue.
. . . we disagree on critical spiritual issues.
. . . your unfounded jealousy and distrust are unhealthy.
. . . you pressure me to compromise Christ’s standard of purity.
. . . we’ve proven that we aren’t mature enough for a relationship.
. . . we’re sinning, and we both know it.

But if that’s the honest truth, then you should handle your breakup honestly. Own your shortcomings. Humbly address his, if necessary. The truthful reason your relationship is ending should be as clear as possible.

3. Beware of opening the “Maybe we’ll get back together in the future” door.

You never know how God could redeem a story, crafting something beautiful from pain. But if your relationship is unhealthy, it should truly end without exceptions.

When I was seventeen, I saw problematic levels of immaturity in my boyfriend, so I reasoned that if he reigned in his wild ways over the coming years, maybe a future relationship could work. While that might’ve been a possibility, how confusing is it to say, “I really like you, but we can’t be together now. Maybe later (if this, this, and this happens)?”

Do you stay somewhat committed to each other? Do you stay friends?

You’re breaking up. It’s probably best to truly, legitimately break up. Don’t be unclear with your intentions, and don’t rest in the hope of a vague, conditional possibility in the future.

4. Limit your communication with him.

A gut punch, I know. This is where it gets real—when you feel like you’ve lost your best friend and the only thing you want to do in the entire world is text him.

If you needed to break up, it means it’s time to discontinue boyfriend-girlfriend communication.

Let your breakup be the path that leads you straight into the arms of Jesus.

You’ll likely feel a deep void—and it’s okay to ache over that loss of connection. But space provides time for healing. You can’t move on if you still text and snap like nothing ever changed.

What’s more, this is exactly where the love of Jesus can become intensely real to you. No more sweet words of affirmation from a guy? No more quality time together? Feel like you’ve been disconnected from your oxygen source? God knows, and His unconditional love exceeds anything and everything another person could offer. Let your breakup be the path that leads you straight into the arms of Jesus (Ps. 147:3; 103:13–14; 56:8).

5. Honor his heart by:

  • not throwing him under the bus when someone asks you why your relationship ended.
  • not acting out in jealousy if you see him with another girl.
  • respecting his feelings if he doesn’t want to be friends anymore.
  • not posting vague-but-not-so-vague tweets or Insta photos that refer to your relationship.
  • treating him with kindness, as your brother in Christ.
  • being clear with your intentions—don’t send mixed messages, like flirting with him and leading him on while insisting that you’re still broken up.

6. Process your heartache, confusion, and questions with trusted mentors and friends.

During a breakup, community can be a lifesaver.

You’ll need friends who can offer understanding hugs and wise, older women (like your mom or a youth leader) who will listen to what went down and hopefully affirm that you made the right decision. That kind of encouragement can give you massive heaps of comfort to continue walking in faith.

During a breakup, community can be a lifesaver.

Accountability may be the thing that keeps you from doing something irrational and unwise—like calling him in a moment of desperation or recklessly diving headfirst into another relationship.

7. Don’t backslide.

If you made a courageous decision to break up with him (especially for a reason that honors God), don’t backpedal in moments of weakness. You stepped out in faith. Stand steadfast. Backsliding into a situation you had ended will only create confusion.

Don’t second-guess yourself, even if your emotions are screaming and you’re longing for the security of that relationship.

Don’t second-guess yourself, even if your emotions are screaming and you’re longing for the security of that relationship.

Don’t text him to say you miss him. Don’t stalk him on Instagram. Don’t read every message you ever received from him while crying over a pint of ice cream with a sappy rom-com playing on Netflix.

Instead, ask Jesus to help you leave this relationship and move on. He’s got the exact kind of grace, strength, and hope that you need (Ps. 138:8; 121; 37).

8. Seek out comfort in the right places.

I think we all possess a compulsion to do the wallowing thing: blankets, pizza, ice cream, a movie that will make you bawl your eyes out. And while there’s something to be said for therapeutic crying, you’ll definitely be better off opening the pages of God’s Word and pressing play on a Bible-teaching podcast.

You need truth by the gallon full right now, and it’s not at the bottom of the ice cream carton or in the credits of Sleepless in Seattle. It’s in the pages of God’s Word to us. (See Psalm 86, Proverbs 3:5–8, Psalm 136, and Lamentations 3.)

It’s true: Breaking up is hard to do. But when you commit to honoring God, living by His truth, and loving guys like brothers in Christ, it doesn’t have to be so complicated or messy.

I did eventually surrender that broken relationship to God a few months later—and it was without a doubt for the best.

Have you experienced a tough breakup? What did God teach you during that time?

PS: We’re giving away a copy of the latest version of Lies Young Women Believe with every post in February. Comment below for your chance to win!

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About Author

Samantha Nieves

Samantha loves grammar, lazy lake days, iced green tea, and writing about the glorious gospel truths that transform our everyday lives. A northern Indiana native, Samantha now lives in South Carolina and serves as the social media manager on the Revive Our Hearts staff.

HEY, GIRLS! We love hearing from you, but feel limited in the ways we can help. For one thing, we’re not trained counselors. If you’re seeking counsel, we encourage you to talk to your pastor or a godly woman in your life as they’ll know more details and can provide you with ongoing accountability and help. Also, the following comments do not necessarily reflect the views of Revive Our Hearts. We reserve the right to remove comments which might be unhelpful, unsuitable, or inappropriate. We may edit or remove your comment if it:

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  • Tera V.

    God taught me a lot about his peace during my last breakup. I had always thought that I would be a wreck at a time like that, but I was calm and collected and God gave me the peace and strength to handle the situation wisely. I couldn’t have done it without His guidance. It’s like when Casper ten Boom told Corrie that God gives us strength when we need it.

    • Samantha Loucks Nieves

      Yes—God can give us peace, strength, clarity, calmness, and joy right when we need it, especially in difficult situations. Thanks for sharing!

  • Holly Gaskill

    Lovely article! Although, as someone who has been single for all 18 years of my life, I’m not quite sure I’ll be needing these tools all that soon. Hahaha 🙂

    • Samantha Loucks Nieves

      Holly, that’s more than okay! I see that as a positive thing, for sure. 🙂

  • Brynna Rice

    Good advice to save for a future time, if needed. Thanks! God bless this entire ministry!

    • Samantha Loucks Nieves

      Thanks for reading, Brynna!

  • Girlady Bouvier

    When I broke up with my boyfriend, I did my best to be honest but still treat him with kindness and love. I didn’t need to tear him apart in order to finish the relationship. And because I loved him like a God’s child and didn’t take his dignity away, we were able to go through it without hating each other and the world.

    • Samantha Loucks Nieves

      That’s good to hear. Sounds like you were able to handle that breakup with maturity, wisdom, and God’s grace!

  • Lois

    Thank you for this post Samantha!

    • Samantha Loucks Nieves

      🙂 Thanks for reading!

  • Proverbs 31 girl in Training

    This is such a good post that I wish I had a year ago when I broke off a relationship. It was super hard, but I knew this was a godly choice that many strong, trusted Christians advised me to do. I am glad I did, but it hurts a lot still. We never were physical, but I have never had that level of emotional attachment with a guy before. It was hard, but things like this really help me know two things. One, other people have moments of weakness even if they knew it was the right choice. Two, I did make the right choice and need to honor that and stand firm. Thank you.

    • Samantha Loucks Nieves

      Glad to hear you’ve stood firm through a difficult decision. It’s never easy to cut off a relationship when you’ve been so emotionally attached, but if it’s for the best, the long-run matters more than the initial pain you’ll feel. Praying that you will continue seeking God for comfort and grace as your heart keeps healing!

  • genesis herrera

    I once had to end a relationship with someone I never even dated but who flirted and lead me on as if we were. It took me so far away from God, and even now I’m still healing over it. It taught me what real love truly is. That you need to be careful who you give your heart to. And mostly that you need to love God overall. Not loving God when your loving a guy who is bad for you, it’s like you can’t even breathe physically because it hurts so bad. Your drowning in guilt and sin and heartache that you feel too dirty to go to God but yet you know you can’t continue on in this relationship. But even if it hurts like crazy, you HAVE TO go back to God and end it with someone who promised you the world. It’s the only way you’ll feel alive again and whole. Real love wipes away 10 months of tears that you cry when your going to sleep. It’s what helps make you smile again and see the world in color. Overall, it’s what you really need in life more than a fairy tale of empty promises. It’s what makes something so simple as breathing hurt less because the pain is THAT deep. It’s the only love that really counts. It’s the only love that has someone who was crazy about you before you were born sit with you and cry with you when everyone who you were there for leaves you alone. God is better than any love story you can have with a guy.

    • J

      This is so unreal, its like you just wrote down the past two years of my life, except it happened to me twice because I went into a rebound relationship. It’s so encouraging to know there are other girls out there who have been where I have, and most importantly gotten over and been victorious over bad relationships. It’s wonderful to know that with God’s love and a bit of time He can heal any hurt and you are never too far gone for Him to reach you!! Thank you for sharing your story genesis , it is very encouraging to me.

      • genesis herrera

        Of course! It wasn’t easy to share tbh but I hoped that it would reach out to someone. This happened within 2 years of my life too. The relationship lasted a few months but the healing took longer. I also rebounded but it never worked out like i wanted it too. In my heart I knew that it would always want to be with this other guy. So in the end, it just added onto the pain. But regardless of what happened, God’s love is the best place where we can have a lasting relationship without the fear of losing it or having to rebound. 🙂 God Bless J and HE WILL HEAL YOU <3 praying for U

        • J

          AMEN SISTER!!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks again and i’m praying for you too as well as every other girl on reading this♥

  • Evenstar

    Thank you for posting this, I am so glad I get these articles!!

    • Samantha Loucks Nieves

      Thanks for reading!

  • Sarah

    Wow this is good. Thank you for providing this as a resource for others!

    • Samantha Loucks Nieves

      You’re welcome—so glad to hear it was helpful to you!

  • Allie

    Good point. Especially being straightforward and honest.

    • Samantha Loucks Nieves

      It’s not easy, but always best! Thanks for reading.

  • Holly

    This post hit home with me. Thank you for sharing! My only regret is that I didn’t know these things before I had to break off a friendship with a guy. But God worked it all out for good and I’ve drawn closer to God as a result and can now look back and see His faithfulness in the whole situation!

    • Samantha Loucks Nieves

      Thanks for letting me know, Holly! I’m sorry to hear that you’ve experienced a difficult breakup, but so grateful to know that God is drawing you to Him. That’s the very best thing that can happen!

  • Loved

    To me the most important thing is BE HONEST! Just because the relationship didn’t work doesn’t mean you’re a bad person, or he’s not a good guy. y’all just are better as friends. Also remember, He’s not your boyfriend after that! you need to find someone else to talk to, not that you have to ignore him. But he’s not your bestie now. Remember that.

  • megan

    I am just going to say WOW! I was reading through all of my emails and I swear this is the work of God that I saw this email. I just recently went through a breakup like exactly a week ago on valentines day. As I read through this email I felt like the story told was me on that day. I have felt the guilt from breaking this guy’s heart and part of me just wanted to get back together with him. This email gave me the truth that it was an unhealthy relationship and it needed to end for the better. Thank you so much for writing this today. God has truly been working on my heart and this just shows me how much I should appreciate Him even more!

  • Ayana

    This post was truly meaningful to me. I’m reading it crying as I still struggle through the emotions of a breakup that happened 7 months ago. I’ll walk through grief and take steps forward, but in moments of weakness I’ll reach out to him or entertain him reaching out to me, only to be further hurt and introduce confusion into our hearts. It’s been so hard for me to let go of the “maybe someday it will work out” thoughts and for the past few weeks God has showed me that I’m not really trusting Him.
    But despite my faithlessness He’s been so faithful! Over these 7 months his word has lifted me out of dark emotions and he has truly been my source of life. Thank you for reminding us that Jesus is the only place we’ll find comfort for the hurt and assurance that we’ll be ok. This post couldn’t have come at a more perfect time.

  • Maria-Simona C.

    This was so honest, helpful, and beautifully written. Though I’ve surrendered my high school dating life to God, and am not focused on romance right now, temptations have been popping up every which way lately (ESPECIALLY with one of my good, godly guy friends that I secretly harbor romantic feelings for).
    Though I haven’t gone through a break-up in a long while, I found some truths from God to my heart in this article. Thank you!

  • Emma

    Thank you so much for everything that you do to help others around you. Everyone who posts on this blog is a life-changer!!

    • Samantha Loucks Nieves

      Your comment is so sweet, Emma!

  • Lisa Yabra

    Loved this

    • Samantha Loucks Nieves

      Thanks for reading!

  • Lisa Yabra

    So clear and helpful. You nailed it

    • Samantha Loucks Nieves

      Grateful. Thank you, Lisa!

  • Erika

    Thank you Samantha! I am too young to have a boyfriend right now but I still read all the LYWB posts, and I love the book! Thanks for being so encouraging to all your sisters in Christ.

    • Samantha Loucks Nieves

      Aw, thank you for your sweet comment, Erika! Grateful.

  • Hannah B

    Thank the Lord I haven’t been in a relationship. But this has some really good advice

    • Samantha Loucks Nieves

      Thanks, Hannah!

  • Bliss

    I have never dated (and therefore never gone through a break up, though I’ve seen a friend’s struggle with this), but this is great advice. I think one HUGE thing to remember – whether you’re single, dating, or going through a break up – is that Christ is our ultimate source of love, and should be the one we love and cling to most. We have to keep Him as the center of our lives much like #8 says.
    Thanks again for this post. (:

    • Samantha Loucks Nieves

      For sure! Great thoughts here. Thank you for your sweet comment!

  • rebeccavanmiddelkoop

    The advice you gave was amazing! Never been in a relationship though so haven’t had to use it! So well written and full of truth though!

    • Samantha Loucks Nieves

      Grateful for your sweet comment! Thank you for reading!

  • disqus

    great thoughts! Continue to honor him after it’s over. Thank you for this.

    • Samantha Loucks Nieves

      Thanks for reading!

  • Brenda

    Such good advise.

    • Samantha Loucks Nieves

      Grateful for your comment!

  • purplesquirrel90

    Good advice as I look for words to communicate with my daughter as she is embarking on “relationship”

    • Samantha Loucks Nieves

      Thank you for reading!

  • Autumn Keffeler

    This is a great article to read before getting into a relationship as a reminder how seriously we need to treat relationships.

    • Samantha Loucks Nieves

      Thanks for reading!

  • Ash

    I have never been in a relationship before like that but I have experienced what it’s like to start trusting a guy with everything and then becoming broken, realizing that it wasn’t healthy, healing, and finally giving it to Christ. Forgiving the person, and going through forgiving myself for consuming my time and falling so far from Christ because I was finding my security elsewhere. It has now been almost 3 years since I was in one of the toughest and most God drifting experiences with a guy. Since then I’ve redecorated my life to Christ and am do thankful that God has blessed me with the ability to communicate with Him. Thankful that God is always there for me, and understanding He is the only one that will always be there for me in the end no matter what; even if I don’t have somebody I have God. It’s really hard sometimes, but there’s a bigger sense of freedom when I know I don’t have to worry about what other think and find my worth in that, but finding my worth in Christ. Coming to love people and see them in a different light is an amazing feeling to, even the people I don’t usually get along with! Thank you guys so much, we girls all know that talking about guys is an essential topic to cover, so excited about the new book!

  • Heather

    Thank you for the great advice! Y’all are doing amazing work on this blog!

    • Samantha Loucks Nieves

      Thanks for reading, Heather!

  • yorkcottage

    This is wonderful advice that I know will help so many young women!

    • Samantha Loucks Nieves

      Praying that it does!

  • Claire Bear

    Thanks so much! Number 5 really spoke to me! Yall are amazing!

    <3 Claire Bear

    • Samantha Loucks Nieves

      Thank you, Claire! 🙂

  • Saedy

    Wow I loved point number 5. That is so so important to remember.

    • Samantha Loucks Nieves

      Thanks for your comment!

  • Marie

    Thank you so much for this post. I needed that so much. I’m finally seeing that I should end my current relationship but I’ve been struggling with doubts and trusting that God will show me what to do. He really is such a great guy so I just can’t bear to break him. I just know he’s not who I want to stay with the rest of my life. I really really needed this post. Thank you!! God’s timing is perfect

    • Samantha Loucks Nieves

      Oh, Marie, your comment brought me back to the distinct moment I knew exactly what I needed to do in my own relationship years ago. It’s so not easy, by any means. I’m praying that God’s grace would just be poured into both of your lives and that you would truly cling to Him. While ending a relationship can hurt (like crazy!), seeking God’s best for you is always, always worth it. Pray, pray, pray, and cling to Jesus in the Word.

      Blessed be the Lord!
      For he has heard the voice of my pleas for mercy.
      The Lord is my strength and my shield;
      in him my heart trusts, and I am helped;
      my heart exults,
      and with my song I give thanks to him.
      Psalm 28:6-7

      • Marie

        Thank you so much!! It is so hard. I’m struggling so much with comingti the conclusion that this is what I need to do. I can barely stand thinking of talking with him about this, but I just cannot get it off my mind. I’m not sure what to do but I’m still praying God will show me what to say and when to say it.

  • Karis

    What Wonderfully wise advice! Especially to be shown such practical ways to tell the truth in love in a break-up situation.

    • Samantha Loucks Nieves

      Grateful for your comment, Karis!

  • Abigail

    So much truth here! Thanks.

    • Samantha Loucks Nieves

      Thanks for reading!

  • Emma Denney

    Great to know! Thanks for taking time to write this post!

    • Samantha Loucks Nieves

      Thanks for reading, Emma!

  • Transformed4More

    This post was GREAT.

    • Samantha Loucks Nieves

      Grateful for your encouragement! 🙂

  • Prairie Girl

    I’m not in a relationship (and don’t plan to be for a while) but this was actually helpful! Thank you!

    • Samantha Loucks Nieves

      Thanks for reading!

  • Kem

    I recently ended a bad relationship. I have a lot of residue, scar tissue and baggage. I plan on being relationship free for quite some time, focusing on God’s healing and grace and just renewing my mind with counseling, support group, Christian community, etc. we’ve been broken up for about a month and he’s already moved on to other girls, while I’m confused over these emotions I am experiencing (anger frustration sadness heart break)… reading this post has really helped “piece me back together” because of the pointers mentioned that I’ll be praying about and so glad to be aware of. Grateful to know I’m not alone and these struggles and this break up is NOT bigger than my God

    • Samantha Loucks Nieves

      Aw, I’m so sorry to hear that—but at the same time grateful that a relationship that wasn’t the best has ended. Breakups hurt. That’s the reality, for sure. You are not alone in your hurt and confusion, not one bit. Praying that you will keep clinging to HOPE in Christ. He is so good, and He’s got the comfort and rest your heart needs.
      Your sister in Christ,
      Samantha

  • Crystal

    I’m currently trying to reconcile with God. I’m 17 and I’ve been dating this guy for a year now, our realtionship is good so far, we even talk about getting married one day hopefully, but we’ve been sexually active a lot with each other. I started dating him when I was apart from God, now that I’m trying to obey God again, I know that maybe it’s best if I break up with him since he doesn’t want to hear about God or anything, and he knows though that I believe in God and everything and he accepts that. I have tried many times to follow God again but I always fall back. I’ve even broken up with him twice and always go back with him.What should I do? Is it best to keep on going out with him but just not be sexually active no more or break up with him again? We really love each other and we’re so close, it troubles me.

    • Jessica

      Dearest Crystal. I was in a bit of a similar situation, and I just want to start off my reply by sharing two passages from God’s Word.

      ‘For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each of us may receive what is due us for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad. So we make it our goal to please him, whether we are at home in the body or away from it. Since, then, we know what it is to fear the Lord, we try to persuade others. What we are is plain to God, and I hope it is also plain to your conscience. We are not trying to commend ourselves to you again, but are giving you an opportunity to take pride in us, so that you can answer those who take pride in what is seen rather than in what is in the heart. If we are “out of our mind,” as some say, it is for God; if we are in our right mind, it is for you. For Christ’s love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died. And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again. So from now on we regard no one from a worldly point of view. Though we once regarded Christ in this way, we do so no longer. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting people’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ’s behalf: Be reconciled to God. God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.’ 2 Corinthians 5:9-21 NIV

      ‘Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? What harmony is there between Christ and Belial ? Or what does a believer have in common with an unbeliever? What agreement is there between the temple of God and idols? For we are the temple of the living God. As God has said: “I will live with them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they will be my people.” Therefore, “Come out from them and be separate, says the Lord. Touch no unclean thing, and I will receive you.” And, “I will be a Father to you, and you will be my sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty.”’ 2 Corinthians 6:14-18 NIV

      First, if you are born-again (check out John chapter 3)–your trust is in Christ for salvation–that He died on the cross for your sins–you are made new.

      Marriage is a reflection–a picture–of Christ and the church (believers) being united (check out Ephesians 5:25-33). Marriage and sex were designed by God to unite a man and a woman–and He designed for sex to only occur within a marriage relationship. Sex is like glue–and maybe you have realized that. God tells us to flee sexual immorality! “Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body.” (1 Corinthians 6:18 NIV) And our bodies as believers are the temple of God, for the Holy Spirit lives inside of us. God’s commandments also guide us and protect us. And following them makes much of Him. Believers are not to be yoked with unbelievers. I was in a relationship with an unbeliever that I never should have entered into, or continued. I remember while I was in the relationship, sometimes I was troubled, and I knew what I was doing with/in the relationship was not right before God. I am thankful that by God’s great grace, I was able to end the relationship as well as follow through with what I believe God had for me–to not be in contact with him anymore. And as I did that, God showed me that I hadn’t been entrusting him (the guy) to God. (And something a godly woman told me was that it was not my job to save him! First of all, God saves people, and God can bring someone else into his life. I needed to cut off contact with the guy.) I had several people praying for me and am thankful that I received counsel and wisdom from some godly people in my life. What this same godly woman told me was that whenever you are in a sexually-active relationship, there is a chance of having a child, and she would never want anyone to be in that situation such as “do I marry him? or raise the child on my own?,” and when you have a child, you love them so much and don’t want them to be influenced by an unbelieving parent in ways that do not line up with God’s Word. No matter how much love you all have for each other, as a believer, your #1 love will always be God, and ending this relationship will require for you to have God above yourself or this young man–right where God should always be! And I am thankful that you want to walk in obedience to God.

      “One of the goals of marriage is to draw each other closer to Christ. How can an unbeliever be a part of that if he hasn’t met Christ himself? An unbeliever’s priorities are also going to be different than yours. No matter how much he serves, loves his family, or says that he loves you, his number one priority won’t ever be Christ. It can’t be if he doesn’t know Him.
      As a Christian, Christ is our number one priority. We need to only link (or “yoke”) our lives closely with those with that same priority.” http://www.liesyoungwomenbelieve.com/one-guy-answers-questions-dating/?doing_wp_cron=1519796134.3986210823059082031250

      I will pray for you, Crystal! And I strongly encourage you to reach out to godly women (especially older ones!), share with them what you shared with us, have them pray with and for you–and pray as well, and walk in obedience and faith. This decision to end the relationship might be one of the hardest you have ever made, but God does promise believers that He will never leave us or forsake us (Hebrews 13). God can change our hearts even when we can’t see how. Repent and ask God for forgiveness. He promises that if we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins, and cleanse us from all unrighteousness (1 John 1:9). God is a good Father. He is not telling you his commands out of spite, but out of love. There will be boundaries you will need to put in place(!!)–and that could very likely involve not talking to this guy any more. Get spiritual support from God’s Word, fellow believers–and pray. And believers have the Holy Spirit inside of them to convict of sin and to comfort.

      So I want to warn you–obey God’s commands–and to encourage you–repent and walk in faith and obedience to Jesus. And I want to end with this: God loves you so much. This is 1 John 4:18 (NIV): “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” “For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” (Ephesians 2:10) God has good works in store for you that He has already prepared for you to do! You have your whole life ahead of you. Don’t let Satan entice you (or condemn you)… to believe lies. “Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” Jesus’ love is greater than any love we can imagine, and He showed it to us when he was pierced for our sins, and nailed to the cross. He is “full of grace and truth” (John 1:14). May you walk in His righteousness, light, and grace!

      • Jessica

        Rom 8:1-8

  • Eve

    Thank you for the post! One of my friends is going trough this right now. I will send her a link! 🙂

    • Samantha Loucks Nieves

      Thanks for letting me know, Eve! 🙂

  • Torri

    I just dont know what to do. Theres nothing wrong with him, hes a great godly man, its me. I juat dont think its gonna work. I am fantisizing and cutting myself, i dont know how to break up with him. My parents expect us to marry, they say i wont find a man like him. If i break up, ill break his heart and ill let everyone down. I dont know what to do.

    • Jessica

      Hi Torri,

      There is great hope in Jesus. Run to him and rely on him through all this. I’ll be praying for you.

      Talk to a Christian adult you trust (youth group or Bible study leader, grandmother, parents of a good friend, etc.) and tell them what is going on. Someone who can give you advice, support, and get you help–and can pray for and with you.

      I don’t know why you think it’s not going to work. Marriage is a life-long commitment. I think you realize that it’s something you don’t go into lightly. It’s better to work through things now (or end the relationship) than for you to go into a marriage with great doubts. I don’t know the answer to why you think it’s not going to work out, but this is why it is important for you to share with those around you, and get their godly counsel. They can help you work through if the reason is a reason for breaking up or if it is something that can be resolved/worked through. And they can provide prayer, support, and counsel. And they can point you to Christ no matter the circumstance or decision!

      You shared that he is a great godly man. If he is a great godly man, he will care about you and your heart, and will be supportive of God’s leading in your life. Don’t let how you think he, your parents, or anyone else will respond crush you. Follow God’s leading–and how they will respond is in God’s hands. That’s something I realized when I was ending contact with an ex–I hadn’t been entrusting him to God. I don’t know your parents, but in general, parents have great love for their children, and maybe you can see and pray about… if this is something you can, if at all possible, talk about with them.

      I’m praying for you, Torri. Jesus says, “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” Matt. 11: 28

      “Know that the LORD, he is God! It is he who made us, and we are his; we are his people, and the sheep of his pasture. Enter his gates with thanksgiving, and his courts with praise! Give thanks to him; bless his name! For the LORD is good; his steadfast love endures forever, and his faithfulness to all generations.” Psalm 100:3-5

      “Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” Philippians 4:4-8

      Dearest Torri, if you are His child (‘But to all who did receive him, who believed in his [Jesus’] name, he gave the right to become children of God,’ John 1:12), He will continually uphold you with his right hand. Tell God all your requests with thanksgiving, and don’t let anxiousness or fear–of other people or the future–or anything else rule your heart. God loves you so much! He will never let you down and you can rely on him. He is like a rock–firm–no matter the storm. Oftentimes I’m surprised by how God is working, but I really shouldn’t be surprised! I’ll be praying for you too.

      ‘Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.’ Ephesians 3:20-21

      His thoughts are higher than our thoughts, his ways higher than our ways! You can trust God with your future!
      Jessica

    • Praying

      I’m praying for you! Talk with some godly people in your life that you trust (church leader, grandmother, parents of a good friend, etc.), and share what you shared with us. They can give you counsel, get the help and support you need, work through whether your concerns are reasons for ending the relationship or if they can be worked out, and pray for and with you. Talk with your parents if at all possible, and with this young man. You say he is a great godly guy, so he should care for you and your heart. Jesus says, “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” Matt. 11:28

      “Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God” John 1:12 — and then “‘I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one will snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all ; no one can snatch them out of my Father’s hand. I and the Father are one.” ‘ John 10:28-30

      “Do you not know that you are God’s temple and that God’s Spirit dwells in you?” 1 Cor. 3:16 — the reality for all believers

      ‘Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you. I rejoiced greatly in the Lord that at last you renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you were concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength. Yet it was good of you to share in my troubles.’ Philippians 4:4-14

  • SR

    Coming from the other side of this – the one being broken up with – I heartily agree with this. Especially clear reasons for why the break-up had to happen, and also to cut pretty much all contact. It’s the hardest thing in the world in the beginning, but so necessary. In fact, I believe it’s like an addiction. Addiction takes time to heal, and you need people and God in your life to move on. It really does make you dependent on the Lord! And he is faithful to provide. To those in the desert: Trust Him moment by moment.

    • Samantha Loucks Nieves

      So GOOD. Thank you for sharing this!