Are you living a double life?

double lifeDouble lives aren’t just for spies. I was reminded of this reality when the double life of a young woman I’ve been mentoring was recently exposed. On the outside she seemed to be living her life for Jesus. She smiled a lot. She wore Christian T-shirts. She never missed church or youth group, and she talked the talk about faith and purity and living to please the Lord. That’s why those of us who love her were undone when we discovered that she was secretly choosing a life of sin. For months, she has been living a double life—one as a young woman committed to Christ and one as a young woman choosing to sin repeatedly.

I’m close enough to the situation to know that when double lives are exposed it doesn’t look like a James Bond movie. Hearts are broken. Lives are torn apart. Sin’s power to deceive and destroy is on full display.

It worries me to think that some of you may be leading double lives. You’re one way at church or with your families and someone else entirely behind closed doors. You’re locked in a pattern of sin you feel you cannot break free from, but you refuse to confess your sin and ask for accountability. You’re choosing to stay in a secret romantic relationship that has been forbidden by your parents. You put on a mask of happiness when you’re with others, but inside you’re miserable and you’re convinced that you can’t tell anyone.

While doing research for Lies Young Women Believe, we discovered that many young women are using media to lead double lives. Most of the girls we interviewed said that they thought it was okay to be one person at home and a different person with others … especially online. We found that professing Christian girls were often likely to gossip, use mild to wild profanity, talk causally about sex, send or receive illicit text messages, and target other girls with mean and aggressive comments while online. These same girls sang in the praise team at their church, led small group Bible studies, and gushed about how important their faith was to them. They were one person online and someone else entirely at church, at home, or with their Christian friends. They were living double lives, and they didn’t see the harm in it. It is a trend that we’ve seen continue since LYWB hit the shelves.

Hear me … the result of living a double life is always pain.

Living a double life happens when you justify two different kinds of behavior in your mind. The Bible calls the thought process behind living a double life being double-minded. James 1:8 says that a double-minded person is unstable in everything that they do. James 4:8 says, "Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded."

Jesus despised the double-mindedness of the religious rulers of His day. That’s why He often called the Pharisees out on their hypocrisy.

In Matthew 23:27–28, He said, "Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of the bones of the dead and everything unclean. In the same way, on the outside you appear to people as righteous but on the inside you are full of hypocrisy and wickedness."

Being double-minded is a sin. Living like two different people isn’t God’s plan for you. What’s the remedy for double-minded living? According to James 4:8, it’s coming to God and asking Him to make us clean.

Are you living as an authentic Christian with a whole heart toward God? Or are you living a double life divided into who you are in public and who you are in secret? I know that my friend whose double life was just exposed would warn you that the cost of your hypocrisy is higher than you can imagine. It hurts, but she’s decided to leave her double life behind and ask Jesus to permeate every corner of her life. Do you need to do the same?

Teach me your way, LORD, that I may rely on your faithfulness; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name (Ps. 86:11).

About Author

Erin Davis

Erin is passionate about pointing young women toward God's Truth. She is the author of several books and a frequent speaker and blogger to women of all ages. Erin lives on a small farm in the midwest with her husband and kids. When she's not writing, you can find her herding goats, chickens, and children.

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    Not sure if anyone will respond to this since it was posted so long ago. My roommate is basically living a double-life: “figuring things out” with a non-believing guy where they are more than friends, but not officially a couple if he doesn’t become a believer. I can’t be 100% positive that their relationship is physical, but when I asked my roommate if her relationship with this guy is honoring to the Lord (twice), she didn’t answer both times and gave some other information. No one in the believing community has any idea that this is going on other than me, and she won’t talk to me about it. I don’t know if she knows that she is living in sin or that she is possibly not walking with the Lord. I have said something to her so many times, and I am at a point of giving up or moving out. If I move out, it will create a scene, which I don’t want to do, because if she doesn’t want people to know, it’s not my place to force her to, right?

    I just want to honor God with all this, and I don’t think I am enabling her behavior by remaining her roommate. She knows where I stand, but it just breaks my heart to see her living this way. I do love and care about her, and will continue to pray for her, that the Holy Spirit will convict her of any sin… Is that all I am left to do?

    • Praying for your friend is critical. If she is dating a non-believer, she is in dangerous territory (2 Cor. 6:14). The longer we spend time in a relationship with a non-believer, the more difficult it is to see reality because of our emotional involvement. So pray that she will be sensitive to the Holy Spirit and will agree with God and repent of any sin in this relationship.

      One thing you might consider doing is connecting this young man with a godly man that could mentor him and lead him to Christ. Getting another guy involved is important as they are really able to ask the hard questions and hold each other accountable in ways that a girl just cannot do with a guy. Is there someone you know of that would be willing to invest in this guy?

      You can also set some concrete boundaries about activities in your apartment such as no meeting behind closed doors; he can only be in the living area; he can only be in the apartment when there are other people besides just her and him. Let her know that the reason you are doing this is because you want to protect her and not enable sinful behavior (Eph. 5:3). Also make sure she knows that if she does not adhere, she will have to leave and find somewhere else to live.

      You might consider presenting these concerns and boundaries in a letter form to her. This will enable you to make sure you are saying what you want to say rather than letting emotions cloud your message. Be sure to share Scripture with her. As you keep Scripture in the forefront, she is confronted with God’s truth and realizes that if she has a problem, it’s with God not with you. Here are a couple of past blogs that may help you.

      Is it okay to date non-Christians? http://www.liesyoungwomenbelieve.com/is-it-okay-to-date-non-christians/

      To Date or Not to Date? http://www.liesyoungwomenbelieve.com/to-date-or-not-to-date/

      The Bare Facts: How Far Is Too Far? http://www.liesyoungwomenbelieve.com/the-bare-facts-how-far-is-too-far/

      I’m praying for your wisdom and discernment, my friend! I’m asking God to pour out His grace on this situation and that He would use it for your good, your friend’s good and His glory.

      Serving Him,

      Lorree