“Do thoughts about other boys/crushes disappear when you are married?” More than one boy-crazy girl has asked me this question. In other words, “Will marriage cure my boy-craziness?”
Since I’ve been asked similar versions of this question more than once now, I thought I’d share my answer publicly.
Marriage Is Not a Magic Pill That Cures Boy-Craziness
I will say there is a difference. Now that I’m married, my antennae don’t go up every single time a new guy walks into the room. I’m not constantly surveying the landscape to see who’s available, because I’m loved. Claimed. Taken.
Marriage isn’t a magic pill. Marriage isn’t your Savior. It cannot fix you.
But marriage doesn’t change your heart. Only God is powerful enough to do that. Marriage isn’t a magic pill. Marriage isn’t your Savior. It cannot fix you. Please, please, please . . . do not enter marriage counting on it to cure you of your boy-craziness, your porn addiction, your loneliness, or any other idol in your life.
Marriage is simply a covenant commitment for life to a man—to another sinner. And you know as well as I do that another “fallen” human being cannot possibly save you from your heart idolatry. Only God can.
Instead of hoping marriage will cure you someday, pursue God with everything in you now. This will not only provide the satisfaction your heart longs for during your single years; it will also prepare you to bless your husband if you do get married someday. (You’re a lot less likely to suck the life out of your husband and tear down your marriage if you’re not expecting your husband to be and do what only God can be and do for you.)
Instead of hoping marriage will cure you someday, pursue God with everything in you now.
Even now that I’m married, I still regularly ask God to satisfy me with His love each morning (Ps. 90:14), and then I pursue Him through His Word and prayer. When I’m out in public, I still ask Him to help my eyes look straight ahead (Prov. 4:25). (These are habits I developed when I was single.)
Because yes, once you’re married, you will likely still notice if a guy is cute or nice or smart or strong or [fill in the blank].
Is It Wrong to Be Attracted to Other People After I Marry?
If God is your first love and your husband is your second love, attraction will be little more than that—something you notice and then quickly forget about. You’ll choose not to dwell on that thought. You’ll choose not to look twice. (At least that’s what you should choose!)
Nowhere in Scripture is attraction condemned. Noticing that someone is good-looking isn’t sinful unless it results in lustful thoughts.
Another way of saying this is that there’s a difference between temptation and sin. For example, we know that Jesus was tempted, but He didn’t sin. Hebrews 4:15 says:
For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin.
And 1 Corinthians 10:13 tells us:
No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.
We shouldn’t feel guilt when we’re tempted; temptation is not the same as giving in to sin.
Does that help you know a bit more what to expect in marriage? Basically, you can expect to continue to face your current struggles and temptations and sins—unless you repent and flee to Christ today and allow Him to begin to transform you before you enter marriage. Either way, He promises to complete the good work of sanctification that He began in you (Phil. 1:6)!
I’d love to hear from you. What are your expectations for attraction to others after marriage? What game plan can you begin to implement now so you’re not taken off guard then?