Before Chameleon’s Law Changes You

From the LYWB team: We’re honored to have our good friend Jessie Minassian joining us on the blog again for our Summer Book Club. (We hope you’re following along and reading Family: How to Love Yours (and Help Them Like You Back) with us!) Because Jessie has so much solid wisdom to share, we thought we’d pull this winner of a post from the archives.

Who do you think you are?

Don’t worry—you’re not in trouble. I really want to know.

Today it’s easier than ever just to portray the “you” you want to be and hide all that other stuff. You can post pictures of only your “good side” on your best hair days, share all the highlights of your life as if they’re no big deal, and make it seem like a party follows you everywhere you go. And it’ll work; you’ll make everyone jealous of your life.

But when I ask, “Who do you think you are?” I want to know more than the Instagram version of you. I want to know who you are when no one is watching (or “following” or “liking”) you. I want you to think about all your experiences, shortcomings, strengths, and quirky habits that make up the unique daughter God designed.

Why is it important to know who you are? I’m so glad you asked.

Chameleon’s Law

First and foremost, we must ground and establish our identity in Jesus—in what the Bible says about who we are and whose we are. (For example, that you are wonderfully made and that in Christ, we are new creatures! See Psalm 139 and 2 Corinthians 5:17.) You also have the responsibility to make decisions about yourself, like your personal boundaries, your interests, what you will pursue or won’t pursue, etc. (Make Scripture your guide!) It’s important to make those decisions especially before you’re in a serious relationship. If you don’t, Chameleon’s Law will take over. (Lucky for us, this law is way easier to understand than the third law of thermodynamics, because I just made it up!)

Chameleon’s Law states:

A girl not grounded in her own identity will adapt to become like the people around her.

If a girl isn’t confident in her identity, she’ll adapt to become like the guy she admires.

Chameleon’s Law applies to your circle of friends and wanna-be-friends, and it doubly applies to crushes and relationships. If a girl isn’t confident in her identity, she’ll adapt to become like the guy she admires. Just like some chameleon species change color to blend into their surroundings, she changes into whatever she thinks is most desirable.

I’m sure you’ve seen this, and let’s be honest—it’s downright hilarious to watch the ways some girls adapt to become the kind of girl they think their crush would like.

  • He snowboards? She’s out buying a board and ski pants.
  • He’s the drummer in a band? She becomes a groupie.
  • He’s a metro guy? She’s ditching her sweats and flip-flops for more sophisticated clothes.
  • He’s into camping? She finds herself sleeping on the ground in the middle of a desert while coyotes pee on her shoes.

Wondering how I can pinpoint those details with such clarity?

Yes, my friend, I was “exhibit A” for Chameleon’s Law. And while some of the things I discovered through the guys I dated were awesome and have become part of who I am today—like rock climbing and good poetry—other “interests” were destructive.

The dark side of Chameleon’s Law caused this otherwise good girl to drink when my current crush was a partier, ditch class when he was more interested in surfing than studying, and listen to raunchy music because I knew that’s what was playing in his Discman (for all you young guns, that’s like a prehistoric iPod). Thankfully, those relationships didn’t last long, but they did do damage that could have been avoided if I had known who I was before looking for love. It also would have helped me do a better job of finding like-minded friends.

It’s so much better to spend your time and energy figuring out what you like and who you are and then waiting for a guy who will complement you and friends who will support you.

So this week, will you do something for me? Take some time to think about your interests, character, talents, weaknesses, and dreams. I want you to get a little glimpse of what God already knows about you: You are an incredibly unique, perfectly designed, daughter of the King. He delights in you—who you already are, not what you can pretend to be. And any guy, or friend, worthy of your heart will feel exactly the same.

Bonus: If you need a little help digging deeper into your identity, thinking about who you are and who you hope to become, you might like “The Me Quiz” from my book Crushed: Why Guys Don’t Have to Make or Break You.

I’d love to hear from you!

  • Have you experienced Chameleon’s Law in your own life? If you’ve ever adapted to the people around you—or to a particular guy—to fit in, how did that turn out for ya?
  • What is one thing about you that is special, unique, or lovely? (Don’t worry—this is NOT bragging. Just giving God glory by recognizing His creative genius!)

About Author

Jessie Minassian

Jessie Minassian is a speaker, blogger, and the author of ten books and Bible studies, including Crushed, Unashamed, and Backwards Beauty. She is the "resident big sis" at LifeLoveandGod.com, a Q&A website for teen girls. Her work for teens and their parents has been featured internationally through outlets such as Focus on the Family, Parenting Today’s Teens, She Reads Truth, Axis, Revive Our Hearts and YouthWorker Journal. She and her husband live and serve at Hume Lake Christian Camps in California, and have two daughters.

HEY, GIRLS! We love hearing from you, but feel limited in the ways we can help. For one thing, we’re not trained counselors. If you’re seeking counsel, we encourage you to talk to your pastor or a godly woman in your life as they’ll know more details and can provide you with ongoing accountability and help. Also, the following comments do not necessarily reflect the views of Revive Our Hearts. We reserve the right to remove comments which might be unhelpful, unsuitable, or inappropriate. We may edit or remove your comment if it:

  • * Requests or gives personal information such as email address, address, or phone number.
  • * Attacks other readers.
  • * Uses vulgar or profane language.
  • Caroline M

    1. I used to call myself a chameleon because I was so good at blending in. Until I realized that I was blending in so much that nobody knew who I was. I’ve started being the person that I really am, but the girls at school don’t like that me, except for my best friend. The perks of being the new kid, I guess. If you don’t chameleon, then nobody will do anything with you unless you find other non-chameleons.

    2. I write stories. It was my “get to know you thing” but nobody has ever asked to read anything I write beyond my friend Bri.

    Great post! This definitely applies not only to guys but especially with girls and cliques.

    • Sweet Caroline, you’ve stumbled upon one of the great mysteries of life: Sometimes being your true self leads to loneliness. But even the pang of loneliness is better than the bitter aftertaste of trying to be someone you’re not. And when you do find a good friend who “gets” you, like your best friend, you can have a really amazing connection because you’re actually “known” by someone. Praying you let God use the lonely times to make you stronger and even more beautiful than you already are! xo

  • Elizabeth Williams

    I love the “Chameleon’s Law” aspect! I do struggle with this from time to time, to be honest. Sometimes I worry that no guy will ever notice me for who I really am. I’m afraid I’ll have to change in some way to actually get noticed and accepted. But at the same time, I’m grounded in who I am and what I believe that I don’t want to change for any guy like that! So I know I just contradicted myself there lol So it’s not something I’m willing to change, but it is something I worry about sometimes, if that makes sense lol

    • Makes 100 percent sense, Elizabeth! 😉 Thanks for sharing your heart and being honest with all of us.

  • Emma Bowman

    This post really spoke to me. Sometimes I’m tempted to skim over stuff like this because growing up as a homeschooling Christian girl, you hear this a lot, so it almost becomes cliche. I’d like to say I’m over the Chameleon’s Law, but that would be far from truthful, because I deal with it all the time.
    I’m only sixteen, and I think I’m still a little immature to date or anything, but I still try to adapt to other people’s expectations because I start thinking, “Well, I should try to be like this if all the other girls are doing it and the guys like it.”
    It’s hard for me to talk to guys or engage them in conversation because I’m always so worried about what they’ll think of me. I know I shouldn’t be, and that it only matters what God thinks of me, but somehow I always end up looking to guys for affirmation and buildup of my self-esteem, which never works.
    Thank you so much for doing what you do! It’s so encouraging to hear this from older and wiser women who love the lord!

    • Thanks for your honesty, Emma. You’re not alone in knowing better, but still caring a little too much what others think about you. 😉 And…you’re so welcome. It’s my pleasure to get to walk this journey of life with girls like you!

  • A

    I do this all the time. I’ve become so like the person that I think people will like, that I’ve been struggling lately with wondering if my friends really like me, or if they just pretend to. I’ve even been getting jealous of others around me. I know this is wrong, and I praise God that He is helping me overcome that. Thanks for the post, Jessie.

    • I totally get that, A. When we work hard to become something we’re not, all sorts of insecurities come into play eventually. Praising God with you for the progress He’s helping you make in your heart! xo

  • Sarah Lauer

    I was always very firm in my personality when I was younger(I also didn’t have that many peers, being a homeschooler). But, come middle school, I began to take classes at a school with other homeschoolers, joined youth groups, and had a circle of friends and a circle of people I wished to be. Looking back at old pictures of myself in middle school, I didn’t care what others thought of my clothes, looks, or somewhat abrasive personality. As I got older though, I began to realize that my style was most definitely not ‘in’ with the other kids, and I came across as loud and annoying. In some ways, trying to become like others around me taught me to be kinder and less of an attention hog(as all of my friends are homeschoolers, and usually kind), but soon I wanted to be like them in other ways. That didn’t really work, as I started to dress like them and talk like them. Becoming self aware of this helped me to come out on the other side as something other than the awkward middle school version of me, but not as ‘in with the crowd’ as a chameleon would be. I’ve become known for my loud and blunt personality, but also my willingness to make shy and new kids feel at home, or stand up against bullies(yeah, even homeschoolers face those). I hope now that I am not as blended in with the crowd as I wanted to be in middle school, but, only being a sophomore in high school, I’m sure I’ll have to deal with the Chameleon Law for a bit while longer. Unfortunately.

    I guess, I don’t really like to point out the great things about myself(maybe because there isn’t that much) but, at fourteen, I can play 8 instruments and have sung and performed in front of many large audiences. Everyone says that is my God-given talent, and I know it is, because it definitely didn’t come from anyone else(especially not myself). Something that I’m particularly happy with about myself, aside from this, is a ‘quick wit’, I guess. It’s come in handy when standing up for quiet and bullied friends and making others laugh when they’re sad. I blame my mother mostly for this quality, but again, I wouldn’t be anything better than a sinner if God hadn’t had the grace to give me the gifts I can be happy about myself with, today.

    • Laurentia Adelina

      Dear Sarah(I like your name, it’s beautiful),

      I know how it feels. I’ve been there in high school and in the first 2 years of university, now I’m on the last year of bachelor degree and since I came to know God I’ve realized I won’t fit nowhere.In time you will know yourself better., you’re a work in progress.So stay strong, God will give you strength to pass over this. Take care of you! 🙂

    • Thanks for sharing, Sarah! I’m especially proud of you for pointing out those great qualities about yourself (which God is head-over-heels for, BTW). 😉 I know that’s not easy to do! Keep loving God and loving others, beautiful.

  • Rachel

    I’ve never really thought about Chameleon’s Law was something I struggled with, but when I thought about it, I realized I did. I had this HUGE crush on this guy for 14 months. He was cute, smart, musical, and non-athletic, plus he had a passion and zeal for God. What else could I ask for? Well, he played cello, and he was really, really good. I could listen to him play for hours. Next thing I know, I love cellos, and one particular cello player. It’s been almost two years since that crush ended. I haven’t had one like that before or since. It’s over. He’s still cute, musical, smart, non-athletic, and on fire for God. And I still looooove cellos.
    When I think about what makes me unique and special, I guess I would say it’s my people skills. I love people. I rarely carry grudges. I get angry sometimes, but I calm down quickly. And I love to help people. When someone says thank you or that they appreciate what I am and who I am, that is what I delight in.

    • Thanks for reading and for sharing your story, Rachel! And those unique things about you are indeed beautiful, girl! xo

  • Leah

    I think sometimes I do small things to make myself fit in, but I can’t think of a time where I really changed my personality to please anyone. Subconsciously I do act more like the people I’m around, but it’s more because of the time I spend with them than wanting to fit in. I guess sometimes I don’t answer questions and stuff in school when I know all the answers since I feel like I’ll look like a know-it-all and people will be annoyed. I haven’t really thought about this before, so I’ll give it some thought throughout the next few days for sure! My favorite unique thing about myself is my acute sense of what others are feeling and what they’re motivated by. I want to major in psychology, and I like to use my gift to help people when they’re upset and such. I can just sense what they’re going through, and I love to work out what their motivations are. It’s like a giant puzzle, and it makes so much sense to me 🙂

    • You’re absolutely right, Leah—sometimes we sort of meld to the people around us just because it’s natural when you spend a lot of time with them! Great point. And I have no doubt God is going to use those unique gifts to bless a lot of people. Thanks for weighing in!

    • Marie

      I would just like to add that refraining from answering questions that you know in class doesn’t necessarily mean you are trying to blend in. I don’t know exactly how you think, but you may do it out of consideration for other people’s feelings, and that is a good thing. I would encourage you to see where your heart is in the matter: Are you doing it to fit in, or are you doing it so that your classmates don’t feel stupid. Blessings!

  • Emma

    This is something so close to my heart!!! I found myself acting how eveyone else acted and doing what they are doing but during the past year I have strayed away from that and it is very hard for me because I am ‘less popular’ now and dont exactly fit in. After I started being myself I have found a lot of other girls are becoming themselves again and it is such a beautiful thing to witness. girls, you were meant to stand out!

    • You’re right, Emma—sometimes being yourself leads to some lonely days (or years!). But how beautiful that you’ve been able to inspire girls around you to #LiveOriginal by “going first.” You inspire me!

  • Em T.

    I played being the chameleon for about three years. I talked like others and tried to live up to their expectations. Since then I’ve discovered that being me is fun and I like who I’m becoming. 🙂
    Something unique about me would be my crazy abilities. Give me an idea and the materials and it’s done!

    • “Being me is fun and I like who I’m becoming.” I love that, Em! Thanks for reading and for joining the conversation!

  • Tani

    Yes, I’ve experienced chameleon’s law about two years ago. I’d follow one of my friends around to too much that I started doing some wrong things she’d do. Every time it’d happen I’d get caught and get into trouble. Thank goodness I stopped following her example and started listening more to the ones that cared about me the most and my walk with god. 🙂 One thing about me that is special is that I’m very friendly and encouraging to others!!

    • Tani, I’m praising God with you that He showed you how to get out of that friendship and start living like the God girl you are. Keep following hard after Him, and keep loving and encouraging others with that beautiful smile of yours! xo

      • Tani

        I’m really late! Thank you though 😊

  • I really love this article. I always like to remind myself of this phrase – ‘ Created for a purpose’ and desire to fulfill God’s will for my life…and nothing seems to be more important than that to me. Now, as i am seriously considering marriage, at times i am tempted to hide or suppress some of the ‘REAL ME traits’ that wouldn’t be much acceptable to a guy. I know God has a Godly simple man for me and even i would love to get married to such a man, yet i am more of a fun loving – jumping – giggling type of girl – this is the Real me when i am all by myself ;). I just love dancing, even when Christian songs are played somewhere either in a car or in a hall, i always imagine myself wearing a laced gown dancing to the tune on a stage with ‘Jesus – the sole audience’ being seated in that hall. ( I am from India).
    Since i know God has created me this way, i believe God will give me a husband who would accept me as i am and also give me the grace to accept him as he is !! Will not that be GREAT !!

    • That will absolutely be GREAT, Jesse! 😉 Keep dancing for Jesus, beautiful girl. xo

  • Kimberly

    I think lately in some ways this has sort of been me. Trying to fit in a bit and be liked by a guy I like (which wasn’t good he isn’t a believer) now I should just be me and a godly guy will like me for me. Right? Please pray. Thanks

    • Right. 🙂 And as you wait for a guy like that, keep becoming more and more like Jesus, so the “real you” (“you” minus the baggage of selfishness, idolatry, and all the other sins we want God to help us overcome) can shine through. Praying for you right now, Kimberly!

  • Becca<3

    I struggle with this a lot, at least with my friends. I’ve noticed that I will sometimes start to speak the same way (using different inflections, accents, and mannerisms) as some of my friends. Honestly it’s really frustrating because it makes me feel like I don’t have anything unique to offer; I just copy a lot of the quirks of other people. One thing that I love/hate about myself is that I’m VERY jumpy/timid, and my friends think it’s really funny when I’m startled because I freak out and yelp (it’s like a tiny, high pitched little “eep!”). It’s definitely a quirk that’s my own and I haven’t copied off anyone, which makes me very proud! Thank you for this post:)

    • Ha! That’s awesome, Becca. And you’re right—it’s all you! 😉 If it helps take the pressure off, I don’t think it’s always wrong to become like the people around you, especially in non-moral issues like mannerisms, accents and stuff like that. (I don’t know a single person that can visit the south and not come home saying ya’ll—know what I mean?) And I don’t think that means you don’t have anything unique to offer. I’d be willing to bet your friends pick up on your “Becca-isms” too, and you may not even realize it! Thanks for reading and joining the convo. Always great to hear from you!

  • Sarah

    Hi Jessie– I’ve tried signing up for your newsletter 2x, but haven’t received a confirmation e-mail…help!

  • Grace (GirlyGodlyCrafty)

    I’ve been so blessed, because I’m homeschooled and I never really felt the need to fit in. But when I started going to a new, bigger church I found myself wanting all the latest clothes and trying to act more like the other girls my age, gossiping about boys and such. It left me feeling cheap and fake, so I asked God and I felt he gave me full permission to be different. Now, I don’t have many friends of the girls my age, but I have a friend in God, and that’s all I really need.
    One thing about me that is special…I am really mature and smart for a girl my age. I know God is going to use that in me, but sometimes it is a struggle to relate to others.

    • Thanks for sharing your heart. It seems you are in good company—a lot of girls in the LYWB community have expressed feeling that way. Proud of you for choosing to face loneliness sometimes rather than sell out who you really are! Be you—beautiful you—Grace!

  • Olivia Chambers

    1. When I was 12 my crush liked legos and the 39 clues series and so I tried to be into those things as well. I actually ended up liking the 39 clues books but I don’t like legos very much (except for the movie). It’s kind of funny now that I look back on my twelve-year-old self. However, when I was new 13 I started lying to my parents and started “dating”. Thankfully, my parents protected me very well and so I was not hurt at all, except for my pride. I was ashamed of myself and, with God’s help, amended my broken friendships and regained the trust of my parents. I now have a greater respect and appreciation for my parents and God helped me form my identity so that I don’t have to feel the need to be like those around me.

    2. I would say that the sweetness of my personality is one thing that is lovely. I have plenty of faults, but being kind and sweet towards people has never really been a struggle for me. People have provided me with a lot of opportunities because they enjoyed the sweet attitude that I have. This is from God though, and not from me. I have met several girls that have this and I think it’s beautiful because their kindness makes me and the other people around them feel important.

    • I agree—that kindness you have is so endearing! Making others feel valuable is one of the greatest gifts you can give, because it so clearly shines God’s love. So keep being you, beautiful girl! You’re making your Daddy proud.

      • Olivia Chambers

        Thank you for the encouraging comment! It made my day. 🙂

  • Bettina

    A few months ago as I was feeling super bummed about my “fully in love with Jesus” crush moving away, I downloaded Tinder on my phone. Gasp! I know. I am definitely not pround of that fact. Granted, I did only post very G rated photos of me hiking and such along with my bio saying that I love Jesus. I figured that that would weed out all the potential creeps. It did not. Eventually I did match with a nice guy who was funny so we deceided to meet up at the salad shop where I work part time. He was really sweet and we made plans to go hiking the next day. As we hiked up a beautiful trail, I shared my testimony with him and was super disappointed when he said that he was “figuring out what he believed as he went”. Although he considered himself to be spiritual, there was no love filled relationship with Christ there in his life. As he asked me if we could hang out again, all the conversations I had had with my parents regarding how dangerous “missionary dating” is danced around in my mind. Since I had really clicked with this guy, I ignored my gut and we ended up going on 6 more dates in the following two weeks. He stopped swearing around me, but I started to think about Jesus way less. He lead our conversations to places where I was not comfortable. As he assured me that he took sex seriously and always used protection, instead of telling him that I was a virgin, I just told him that I believed in waiting till it would really mean something. What I failed to add was that for me that meant till after marriage. On our second hike, it was really hot and he asked if i wanted to go swimming. So we striped down to our underwear and swam in the Mt. Lake. I ignored my normal standards of purity, and was not even bothered. I also recieved an invitation to dinner at his place. His mom and siblings were super nice and they comented that he had never invited a girl to dinner before. This made me feel really special. So after eating, instead of putting the leftovers in the fridge, they threw everything away. I know that lots of very well to do families do this, but still I was appalled. Growing up, my family never wasted food, not because we were poor but beacause it was a gift from God. I acted like we did that at home too as not to embarass him. After dinner we watched a movie in his home theater and when he wanted to snuggle, I obliged. I really wanted to be his girlfriend. Years of resolving never to date an unbeliever were ignored when faced with the warmth of his strong arms. I acted very much the chameleon with him. Days later, after a fancy dinner downtown, he asked me to be his girlfriend. I said yes… I did feel regret this time. The next day, as we were laying on my blanket on the lake shore, he asked me if I wanted to sleep over that night. Not have sex he assured me, but simply cuddle and sleep together. I told him that I would never do that because I don`t trust myself enough. It would be too big a temptation. He playfully made fun of my lack of control and overactive sex drive, and said surely it wouldn`t be an issue. This time I didn`t waver. I said although I liked him, I wouldn`t sleep over. He seemed disturbed by this, but we managed to enjoy the rest of the weekend. As he droped me off at my flat, He leaned in to kiss me goodnight, but I gently stopped him and explained that I wanted to save my first kiss for when I was really in love, preferably for my future husband. He seemed quite disturbed that the 19 year old girl he was dating had never kissed anyone. I felt awful for having given him the impression that I was more experienced! The next day, he broke up with me. It became painfully apparent that despite the fact that we had a ton in common and had really clicked, sex was crucial for the success of our relationship. Without it, he was no longer interested. It showed me how important it is to only date believers who want to please Jesus more than their own desires. I was a chameleon and regret it. So to put it simply, it turned out to be painful and not worth it. I`m just so glad that I didn`t do anything physically farther than holding hands. A lot of what kept me from making bigger mistakes than I did actually came from this blog. I`m really thankful for this constant encouragement and advice!! Even though the experience was mostly negative, he also got me into climbing 😉 and he told me that he was more interested in God now than before he met me! So maybe I planted a seed that will grow later on. I just can`t be the one to minister to him… A christian guy would be much better suited to do that!

    • Olivia Chambers

      That is such a hard lesson to learn! Sometimes it takes an experience like that to make head knowledge of what is right to become heart knowledge. I went through similar experience except I was 13 and so my liking him was not so serious. I just wanted to be like the girls around me and so I dated a guy. Well, as much as a 13 year old can date someone, since we only saw each other at school lunch. I had to learn the lesson of obeying my parents and sticking to what I know is right. I also had to learn that God needs to be the one to direct my life. I am so blessed that he gave me protective parents so that nothing harmful or ireversable happened to me, except that my pride was wounded and that I felt shameful for my disobedience. As hard as it is to learn these things, I’m thankful that I learned it while I was under the protection of my parents. I’m so sorry that things happened the way they did for you, but I am glad that you were able to learn something important and recognized your chameleon ways, as I did. God bless you, Bettina, and I pray that God takes this circumstance and strengthens you from it! Also, your honesty is refreshing. It’s nice to know that I am not alone in my struggles.

    • Bettina. Girl. I am SO proud of you. I know you’re kicking yourself for not putting a stop to the relationship sooner, but you stood by your convictions and showed so much respect for yourself by not continuing down the path you were on (which would have been way easier in a sense) and ending things instead. Way to give God glory in your life, sister! Thanks for sharing your story. I, for one, am cheering for you, and I’m confident other girls will be able to learn from your experience too. xo

  • Laini Russell

    Yes I have. I dont do it too often but I think i need to fit in to be liked by people sometimes. Which is a lie.
    God gave me the desire to Do Hard Things and work hard at something and not give up.

    • Those are great qualities to have, Laini. Thanks for reading and joining the convo!

  • eca1632

    Hello, I need some advice from some godly women and I wasn’t really sure where to turn so I decided to turn here.

    Over the summer I began dating a guy in my youth group. We were friends for a while but not super close. I wasn’t incredibly attracted to him at firs but I decided to give him a chance. Here is where it gets kind of messy. I was really attracted to another guy for about 2 1/2 years. And I’m pretty sure he felt the same way but we are both fairly shy people and we are apart of 2 different friend groups and we go to the same school. So we kind of like admired each other from afar I guess, I know, it sounds dumb. Well the guy I’m with now, let’s call him Zach. I guess I got excited that a guy liked me so maybe that’s why I decided to date him? I was attracted to him, but on a much lesser degree than the other guy. Our school had a field trip over the summer and both friend groups went. I remember looking at the other guy and he looked kind of hurt whenever I was with Zach. At school the other day Zach had his arm around me and the other guy walked by and looked at me like a hurt puppy and then looked away. The thing with Zach is that he is expecting us to date for a while and my friend even said he is planning this extravagant promposal and she says I should go out with him until at least prom.

    Here is another thing
    Both guys are Christian, but I feel like Zach isn’t as far in his walk with Christ as I am. The other guy I heard is a bit of a hypocrite, I don’t know how but that is what I heard.

    Another thing:
    For the past couple dates, the only thing we’ve done is make out. I feel so embarrassed and ashamed afterwards. I also feel like God frowned upon me and I am starting to feel distant from God. I’m really bad at communicating how I feel so I feel really trapped. Zach thinks we are going to get married one day too and I DO NOT see a future with him at all. My parents like him except my mom says he needs to walk me to the door and come in and say hello and open doors for me and things like that.

    I know I need to talk to him but I don’t know when or how to. I don’t feel like there is a good time to. I feel really pressured to stay with Zach because everyone comments on how cute we are or how we are relationship goals or stupid stuff like that. I don’t really see the other guy much this year either. Like I do love Zach, but I don’t know what to do. Like some days I think we need at least a break and other days I’m like maybe I do like him I think I’ll stay in a relationship with him. I’m really torn. On top of that it is really hard to hear God these days.

    Sorry this post is really long, I just need help and a lot of prayer.

    • I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that deep down, I think you know exactly what you need to do. It doesn’t sound like this isn’t the God-honoring, peace-filled relationship you ultimately want, and hanging on hoping it will change on its own is probably wishful thinking. I know the thought of breaking things off—and hurting someone else in the process—is scary, but staying in a relationship that isn’t God’s best for you is scarier still! Trust me, the longer you wait to do what the Holy Spirit is prompting you to do, the more painful it will be for both of you in the end. So be brave, beautiful sister, and trust that God will heal both your hearts in time. And as for the other guy… I wouldn’t jump into another relationship just yet, even if he does show interest. Take the time you need to let your heart heal and figure out what you really want most in a relationship, then wait for that someone who will lead you closer to Jesus through your relationship. Praying this verse for you tonight: “Be strong and courageous, all you who put your hope in the Lord!” (Psalm 31:24)

  • Alex

    I have an honest question- can an atheist and a Christian have a successful romantic relationship together? I’m the atheist and I’m becoming interested in a Christian boy from my parent’s church, but I genuinely want to know what a Christian woman would think about the situation, obviously that’s why I came on a Christian forum. Thanks!

    • MidnightCity

      Hi Alex! My answer to this question would be no. You will not be able to give him what he needs. 1 Corinthians 6:14 talks about avoiding unions with the unbeliever. I am not denying that you are probably a nice person and he would probably love to hang out with you. However, a romantic relationship is not the way to go. It is outside the realms of Christianity. I hope this helped!

    • Leslie

      Hi Alex I agree with MidnightCity about dating. On the other side it is still posable to be friends and maybe you will begin a relashionship with the lord. wishing alll the best for I will be praying for you!

  • J

    Great post! I was very much that way in my more youthful years. If there is nothing else great about getting older, maturity through wisdom (thank you, Lord) is one. Scripture teaches that women are made for men and not men for women (1 Cor. 11:9)- a misunderstood view amongst believers in this age of misogyny and feminism. Biologically God created us as complements to one another, where man can fully know God through his relationship with women, hence the helpmeet we read in Genesis. Sin has tainted this view but for believers Jesus desires to restore us. When we [women] submit to God’s Holy Spirit within us, we will know and understand and appreciate the spiritual beauty God initially intended us to be. It’s a spiritual beauty that men need, not want or desire. It’s a necessity! The greatest lie the world tells us is we need to earn a man’s love (quite the opposite is true, biblically). Men have become like high fruits to he picked on trees. This is not what scripture teaches. Read Deuteronomy 24: 1-5 (Deuteronomy 22 as well) to see the specific commamdments God gave men in his relationship to women. If I can offer one advice: monitor the amount of TV, social media romantic novels you are intaking. They will do more harm than good. Stimulate your mind with information and activites that encourage learning, rather than things that affect the mind with lies: surfer boys, rock star boys and fictional romance. There is something far greater God wants to create in you. Guard the mind. Most men don’t know who they are outside their muscle shirts and tight skinny jeans, so why should you or I follow them? What makes strong and everlasting unions is spiritual oneness, nothing else. Trust in the Lord. His ways are the ways of peace, joy and everlasting life!

  • Leslie

    I’m 14 so this helps I really like one boy who I have know for 7 years he is a year older then me but my parents love like a son and we hang out all the time but i’m not able to date till i’m 18 please help. He knows i’m not able to date till i’m 18 so I think that is the why he hasn’t asked me to go out yet.

    • Jordan Patterson

      Hey Leslie! I feel your dilemma, I was in a similar position when I was your age. There was a boy that I really liked, but I chose to wait for God’s timing instead of mine. I prayed that the Lord would take my feelings for him away, and he did! I gave the Lord my heart to keep instead of some boy, and He has kept it safe all these years. I can tell you from experience that 14 is far too young to date, but you’re never too young to give yourself to God. He will help you in your time of need and will never hurt you. The same cannot be said for most boys (at least those who are dating at 15). As much as this site helps with advice, the one you really nred to turn to about this is Jesus. He knows everything already, but you can still tell Him again 😉 I’ll be praying for you, sister!

      P.S. It does get easier with age; I’m 18 now and am finding that putting off dating opened up so many more doors for me! Wonderful things happen when you don’t take things into your own hands 😉

  • Shay Mikka

    Honestly I had trouble with this and also didn’t notice that I wanted to do it just because of the guy and I’m happy I read this post. I had a crush on a guy who was into theater and I wanted to do a minor in it in my university because of him. The year before I liked someone who liked photography and I was interested in that too.

  • Being an introvert I’ve always been content with a small number of friends, but through my teen years I let the number drop too low; to the point I was only a fraction of myself because many of my interests were not shared by my friends at the time. After a while I realised that although these friendships were good in themselves, I needed to forge new friendships with people who shared some of my other interests so I could grow in more areas.

  • Sarah Bean

    Gih

  • Sarah Bean

    I’ve been a victim of Chameleon’s Law. It’s true. If you act a certain way around different people no one will know the REAL you.
    For example: I get peer pressure from other kids. I started listening to the music they listened to just so I could “fit in”. It wasn’t my kind of music. Or another example. When I’m going to a place where I know there will be young boys. I try and dress teenagerish. I try not to wear pink or bows in my hair. I am like Jo Jo Siwa in the hairbow department, but I don’t wear them around “cool girls” or “bad boys”. I think changing my outward appearance to please others isn’t as bad as changing your demeanor and character. Thank you for this post and taking the time to write it, Jessie!

  • Shah

    I have had a great laugh reading this article. Why? Because I once was that girl. When I was 19, I dated a guy who was so in to hanging out in huge crowds and having the big crowd type of fun that I pretended to be that girl too even though I am the a couple of friends , quiet type of girl. Anyway, it lasted for just a couple of months.
    Now I am 23 and I know better than to be anyone else other than myself.
    Nice article Jessie.