Why Hasn’t Anyone Asked Me Out?

We talk a lot about guys and dating here on LYWB.com, and for good reason. Navigating girl-guy relationships in a God-honoring way can be difficult. But some of you have brought up an important question: “What if no one ever expresses interest?”

Many of you are still very young, and honestly, it’s okay that you haven’t been out on a date yet. In fact, fellow blogger Paula Marsteller says it’s probably to your advantage. But others of you have been out of high school or college for quite some time and never been asked out, and you’re beginning to wonder why.

Waiting is hard. I understand your plight—I’m currently single and have only dated one guy (and that wasn’t until I was twenty-five!). It’s important not to let your heart sink into despair by dwelling on what isn’t true. We only frustrate ourselves and hurt others by making false assumptions about our situation, such as . . .

Myth #1: There’s something wrong with me.

You believe that if you just changed something about you—your appearance, your job, your personality, your family—then you would get noticed. You assume you’re not married because you’re not ready (or smart enough or pretty enough . . .) I love what writer Jasmine Holmes has to say about this:

Somehow, we have imbibed the message that broken people don’t get married. I may be the minority on this one. But just in case I’m not, the number one thing I wish I would have known as a single is that I didn’t have to have it all together. I was a broken sinner in need of a savior, and there was no reason to hide it. This didn’t make me a horrible marriage prospect; it just made me human.

Convincing yourself that you’re the problem isn’t merely an issue of low self-esteem. Ultimately, it’s telling God He got it wrong. Psalm 139 says God meticulously, deliberately, and with great joy determined every single thing about you, from the color of your hair to the way you wrinkle your nose when you laugh. You are not a mistake or an oversight. You are beautifully and wonderfully made. As Louisa May Alcott once said, “If God had wanted me other than I am, He would have made me so.”

Myth #2: There’s something wrong with him.

If it’s not your fault you’re still single, it must be the guy’s fault, right? Clearly he is immature or lazy or distracted. In fact, you’re about ready to believe there’s no guy anywhere good enough! But elevating your ideals while finding fault with guys in general is not the answer. Maybe you’re no longer pining for a guy, but mentally creating a list of why all men are jerks is no better.

Whenever we set our hopes on a person—or anything other than God—we set ourselves up for disaster.

Whenever we set our hopes on a person—or anything other than God—we set ourselves up for disaster. There’s not a single man out there who will meet your expectations or completely satisfy your deepest longings. Looking for a guy to fulfill that is not only unfair to him, it’s idolatry.

That said, it’s also true that there are longings which are, to a certain degree, made only for a husband and children to fill, because that’s how God wired us as women. I don’t mean to make light of that. In an article from Boundless.org, blogger Sarah Magee says, “The fact that I crave marriage and children isn’t in and of itself a sign that I’m not finding satisfaction in Jesus. It’s OK to feel heart hunger. We’re not inferior Christians because we do.” Bingo!

Longing for marriage, something God created and has called “good,” is not wrong unless that longing trumps your love for the Lord and becomes your god.

Myth #3: There’s something wrong with God.

If it’s not you, and it’s not him . . . is it God? Did His plans for you somehow get lost in the shuffle? Why hasn’t He sent someone your way yet?

Regardless of your doubts or disappointments, hang on to the truth that God is sovereign and good. He doesn’t take joy in dashing your hopes or leaving you in suspense. He loves you and has placed you on a path that includes singleness for reasons perhaps known only to Him.

Regardless of your doubts or disappointments, hang on to the truth that God is sovereign and good.

Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth and Dannah Gresh remind us in their book Lies Young Women Believe, “God is more concerned with changing you to be a reflection of Christ than with solving your problems.” Your questions or desires may never go away. However, God is worthy of your trust and your worship no matter what unexpected season or trial may come.

Remember that putting too much stock into the here and now will only lead to disappointment. To quote Jasmine again, “Your time here pales in comparison to the grand weight of the time eternal you’ll be spending with the greatest Pursuer there is, whether the earthly version comes or not.”

Single girl, there’s nothing wrong with you (or with me!). There’s nothing wrong with him. And there’s nothing wrong with God. I believe it is possible (and best!) to fully trust God’s plan and His timing, knowing it may or may not include a man at your side. God is wiser than our most brilliant plans, greater than our biggest problems, and has promised His children a brighter future than anything this world can offer.

Have you believed any of the myths on this list? Tell us about it in a comment below for your chance to win the refreshed edition of Lies Young Women Believe.

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About Author

Leanna Shepard

Leanna began serving on staff with Revive Our Hearts in the summer of 2014. Though originally from Arkansas and now residing in Michigan, her citizenship is in heaven, having been adopted as daughter of the King at age ten. She loves a cup of hot tea with a good book, experimenting in the kitchen with a new recipe, and cheering for the St. Louis Cardinals.

HEY, GIRLS! We love hearing from you, but feel limited in the ways we can help. For one thing, we’re not trained counselors. If you’re seeking counsel, we encourage you to talk to your pastor or a godly woman in your life as they’ll know more details and can provide you with ongoing accountability and help. Also, the following comments do not necessarily reflect the views of Revive Our Hearts. We reserve the right to remove comments which might be unhelpful, unsuitable, or inappropriate. We may edit or remove your comment if it:

  • * Requests or gives personal information such as email address, address, or phone number.
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  • Rachel Carpenter

    Good post. I am in a relationship, but sometimes I still have to remember these things when my guy and I feel a little distant. I have really been appreciating the depth of the posts on this site lately. I have been following for over two years, and I nearly stopped a while ago because the posts were seeming a little young, not very relatable to me in my stage of life. But lately, that has changed. I have been very encouraged by your site over the past two months.

    • erinleedavis

      Hey Rachel,

      I’m so glad to hear this! We made the intentional decision to post less often so that we could give more meaty content. So grateful to hear God is using that to strengthen and encourage you. He is faithful!

      Rooting for you,

      Erin Davis

  • Keren

    I’ve mostly assume that the guy is the problem by always thinking that he isn’t being a man by not initiating anything… But I’m grateful that I have a God who continues to pursue me and gave His life that I may enter into a relationship with Him:)

  • Heather

    If you try to find guy, the relationship most likely won’t work out; but if you wait for the right guy to come while you are still living your best life, the relationship is most likely the right one.
    Sometimes, though, God means for you to be single for the rest of your life. You can still do great work for the Lord nd be single.
    Thank you for all of your great posts! <3

    -Heather

  • God’s Girl

    I think the one I would tend to struggle with would be is thinking the guy isn’t good enough (like he isn’t man enough to ask or something). Thank you for this post!

  • Kendra DeAun Rose Smith

    Definitely a struggle not thinking there’s something wrong with guys sometimes! Great article!

  • Grace

    Always important to remind myself of this.

  • Sarah

    So true

  • Brenda

    I think it is difficult to not wonder if there is something wrong with me. I think it is important to remember that God’s timing is perfect and He may be saving us from some heartache.

  • Alla Lyu

    Yes!

  • Ani

    I’m 18. The guys that talk to me are either like 14 or total weirdos! (Or BOTH!!!) I just want a regular Christian guy to like me. I mean, why should worldly girls get a guy so easily? I want someone too. Just because I don’t dress and act like a harlot, I’m unattractive?!? Or are only Pentecostal guys interested in girls who are clothed?! I’m not Pentecostal! I feel discontent. It’s me.

    • Proverbs 31 girl in Training

      I totally feel you!!! I currently know so many 12-15 year old boys who like me or try to flirt with me. I’m nice to them, but, yeah, it is hard. Why can’t guys my age or older be into me? I am about to be 18 so I totally feel you. This is a time when everyone says young and in love and the exciting times of your life with your future ahead of you. I am a planner, so I want to know my future and be able to depend on it. I have gotten better about being single though. I wouldn’t quite use the word content yet because it is a very strong word, but I have been coping with it a lot better. However, I am on the road to contentment. What I realized helps, at least me as an extrovert, is staying busy. Don’t let myself have time to think about it. I started college and do a lot of other activities. It helps fills that hole of desiring a husband and kids to surround yourself with other godly people and interacting with others. I had too much time on my hands to wonder about my future because I have been so engrossed with the now. Anyway, that’s my little tidbit of advice.

      • Ani

        Thank you so much! That really encouraged me! And it’s good to know I’m not the only one with 13 year olds interested in me;)
        My big sister never had that, so I thought I wouldn’t… Wrong! 😉
        Thank you for your advice!!! It blessed and encouraged me very much 🙂

  • Bianca Flores

    I agree that the Lord is in control of everything. And if someday we don’t get married, we will be okay because we have Jesus Christ.

  • Proverbs 31 girl in Training

    It is so funny because when I started reading and Leanna said that she has only dated on guy, I was like I wonder what she looks like. My immediate thought when I saw the picture and how cute she looks was, “If she isn’t married yet, there is no hope for me.” Then, I read the blog post and felt a little sense of God’s humor, “Daughter, there is nothing wrong with you. You are beautiful.” Then I mentally went to there’s no good guys left. Again, spoke to me. On top of that, I was like, “If only God would let me know what He has.” Yet AGAIN, right to me. Thanks for this!!

    • Leanna Shepard

      That’s too funny. You just made me laugh! 🙂 Aren’t you so grateful God is patient and loving (and has a sense of humor!) to continue to shape us and challenge us? I know I am! Some great scripture passages to turn to when you’re feeling unnoticed or unloved are Psalm 45, Psalm 139, Zeph. 3:14-18, Ephesians 1, Romans 8, and 1 Peter 2:4-10 . . . to name a few! 🙂

  • Kerry

    I know this may come across as judgmental but I think what gets to me is when you look at people who are not Christians and then those who are “Christians” but still live a wild life and they get the dream guy and the wedding and you’re still here with not even one guy looking in your direction. I know we live to be Christlike and not for reward or the world but unfortunately in moments of loneliness or disappointment, its all those thoughts that come attacking at you.

    • Leanna Shepard

      Kerry, you have expressed a very real struggle for so many! The psalms are full of questions like yours of why unbelievers seem to prosper and live happy lives. The important thing to remember is that we live for more than just the here and now.

      Psalm 73 in particular is a helpful chapter to read when wrestling with this. The writer Asaph expresses his feelings honestly to the Lord, but then is gently reminded of God’s character, of the future judgment coming to the wicked, and of his own future–not one of judgment but of being in the presence of Jehovah. Reading and praying through this psalm has often refreshed my heart and led me to be able to say with Asaph, “Whom have I in heaven but You? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides You.”

  • Kassia

    Myth #1 really resonated with me. I’m in my 20s and have really struggled with the question “what is wrong with me?” For a time, I even sort of resigned myself to the idea that I would be single forever because I believed I wasn’t good (pretty) enough for the kind of guy I want. My Heavenly Father is slowly transforming my mindset and I can already feel the difference as I’ve delved more into His word and His truth.

  • Claire Bear

    Thanks so much! I definitely struggle with myth 1. i have always felt left out and like no guys will ever like me.

  • Jasmine

    It’s definitely not God, and I know it is not me. So it most definitely is the guy. I refuse to walk around dressing and looking like a “”street walker”” plus I am saving myself for marriage. I am not, as one would say, “”easy””. Men seem to only want what (or whom) is easy, and they can keep it! I am worthy of love, honor, and respect. And if I am the only one who gives that to me, then so be it.

  • Loved

    I haven’t been asked out, but I don’t worry about it. I know God will work things out in his own timing. I agree Jasmine. I want to be fully pure and ready when the man God has for me comes. Don’t worry about it gals, You are perfect and to be honest, If you’re dressing and acting so that a guy asks you out, he’s probably not the guy you want to be in a relationship with. God has his own timing, let him plan your life, He’s got this.

  • rebeccavanmiddelkoop

    Number one is such a big one! “Ultimately, it’s telling God He got it wrong.” Wow! Great reminder!

  • genesis herrera

    I think i’m trying to convince myself that i’m okay with my singleness, but i think for all the wrong reasons. I was hurt by a boy I really did love, and I guess now I’m scared to experience love for what it truly is. I don’t want another one sided relationship with games and lies. But now I think that maybe i’m just not the kind of girl who will have success in dating and marriage, that being single is the way my life should be because one, that life might not be for me, and two I can avoid getting hurt all over again. how do i be ok with my singleness but not use it as a shield to avoid getting hurt?

    • Leanna Shepard

      Hi genesis, thanks for sharing and asking good questions. Being content in your singleness is a great place to be, but as you pointed out, it can’t be a hideaway zone. To avoid running from relationships out of fear, challenge yourself on what you believe about God’s character. For example, do you believe God is wise and good? Is He wise enough to decide whether or not you should be single? Do you believe God is loving and kind? Is He loving enough to be trusted with your fears and past hurts? Answering these questions will help you know whether your resolve to be content is from pure motives or not. Praying for you as you navigate these difficult waters of waiting and trusting.

      • genesis herrera

        thank you i really appreciate the help and prayers. 🙂

  • Emily

    These are great points! I’ve heard so many girls (and even wives) complain about how they think men are lazy or immature – it’s very easy to blame the guys. Let’s encourage and respect the men instead! 🙂

  • Brynna Rice

    This is all so good and true! I am only 17, have been homeschooled all my life (and no, I am not socially awkward and a complete introvert), and am being raised by my wonderful Christian parents. What I have always been taught is that there is no reason to look for a young man’s attention before I am ready to be married. That time is definitely several years away from now. But all these wonderful blog posts, books, and personal advice I get about boy-girl relationships are things to learn, to know, and to save in my mind for when I am tempted in new ways later in life. Now is my time to learn and wait; I am satisfied with Jesus now, and pray I always will be.

  • Madeline Hoppenstedt

    Thank you, I really needed this message today.

  • Shana

    This post came at just the right time <3

  • Jenn

    Definitely believed the lie that I wasn’t smart enough, pretty enough, or thin enough for any young man to be interested in me. Thankful for a sweet older lady at church who challenged me to memorize Psalm 139.

    • Leanna Shepard

      LOVE that Psalm! That’s a great passage to turn to for various struggles. I too am grateful that I was challenged to memorize it. Thanks for sharing, Jenn!

  • Paige

    I’ve fallen for the lie that I “have to have it all together”. Thank you for the reminder of the truth!

  • Danielle

    I will be 27 in May and I have never had a boyfriend or even been on a date. I’m not ugly. I’m intelligent. I’m friendly. I’m a Christian. But it feels like no matter what, godly guys I’m attracted to don’t even consider me. It’s always been my friends who got the guys. Now they are married with babies and I’m perpetually single. Most of the time I am patient and content, but there are these times where I wonder if it’s even a part of God’s plan for my life….and if not, why can’t He just tell me so I can rule it out?

    • Leanna Shepard

      The unknown. I think that’s potentially the hardest part of being single (or any part of life?)–wondering IF marriage will come your way, and if so, when? It’s hard and sometimes painful to trust God with our deepest desires, including getting married. We all love the promise of Psalm 37:4 that says the Lord will “give you the desires of your heart,” but verse 3 reminds us first to “trust in the Lord,” and verse 7 tells us to “be still” and “wait patiently for him.” I think we can agree that that’s the hard part! Danielle, as you continue to wait and wonder, I am praying that God overwhelms you with the grace to trust in Him and wait. May you find peace as you rest in His loving will for you!

  • Zephyrant

    I’m turning 29 this year and never had a boyfriend. Whenever I think I’ve finally met the one who’s going to court me, it always end up with me being single. I’ve always blamed myself more because I’m a plus size. It’s really difficult for me whenever Febuary comes but then, as I grew older, I decided to trust God more. Instead of focusing on why I’m still single, I’m able to focus more on my work, studies, family, friends

  • Martha Wiebe

    I’ll be 24 at the end of this month and I’ve never had a boyfriend. It’s definitely easy to think that there’s something wrong with me and that’s why I haven’t yet, but I trust that God has a good plan for me either way and I want to just grow closer to Him knowing that He is enough. I’ve seen what desperation leads too and being in a relationship just to be with a man even though it’s obvious that the relationship is built on lust and not love, and I want to run as far away from that as I can. It only leads to heartache and if rather be single all my life than run ahead of God’s plan for me.

  • Esther Sentosa

    Thanks for this post. I don’t have a boyfriend and sometimes it feels like God is punishing me or something but this helps me to trust God again.

  • Ana

    OH MY!!! Yes.. The myth I most believe and it always seems to creep up on me is myth #1. I have suffered from feeling ugly, overweight and just all the horrific thing you can imagine. But this blog has giving me conviction on how God makes beautiful things and He created me like this. So Am I telling GOD that He made a mistake? or that He doesn’t love me. I thank you for this it helped me see thing in perspective.

    • Leanna Shepard

      Hi Ana,
      I’m so glad this post was helpful to you. It’s comforting to know God is wise and good and knows just what we need. He is perfect and loving in how He made each of us, and you, Ana, are chosen and precious in God’s sight! (1 Pet 2:4)

  • Leah

    Thanks for this post. I think of all the myths, #1 would be the one that would affect me most…

  • Erika

    I want to wait until I’m ready to marry before wanting someone to ask me out!

  • Rebekah Warmbrand

    There are times when thoughts similar to all 3 go through my head, but deep, deep down, I know that all three are NOT true! It just takes a few minutes (or hours) for me to remember that. 🙂

  • La Princessa

    I think, in the past, I have believed that there’s something wrong with all three. But now, after just seeing glimpses of what God has for me – I’m not left longing for something quicker and sooner. Though, at times, I’ve been tempted to feel jealous about the relationships I see around me – I’m sooo content in what God is doing in me right now, and His plans.

  • Child of the King

    Thank you, Leanna. I know it is not easy, but if you TRUST God & His timing, then why are so anxious for a relationship. Philippians 4:6-7. God is helping me from what He closed & protected me from. Do I trust His Will, I have no reason not to trust God. That is what I want most His Will. Do I know what tomorrow brings, no. Bible says don’t worry about tomorrow. God has our life planned out. He might need to straighten us or the mate God has before He let’s you meet them. If anything I know He has everything planned. I choose to seek Him, continue growing closer to Him, & know regardless He has everything planned for me & He is always there by us. I choose to take up the cross & follow Him. There is no such thing as a perfect person, but we have a choice to take part in God’s World or dip & take part in God’s World & part in this sin sick world. You can’t have part in both God’s World & part of this sin sick world. I choose to follow God. I know God has & will continue protecting me from what puts me near. I know I can’t do anything without Him. I don’t know He has planned, but my goal is to see my coworkers get saved as well as anyone I come near with doors He opens. I cannot openly talk about God at where I work or I will lose my job. I choose to pray each morning that God will open a door to witness to someone. We all know someone that isn’t saved…. Pray for wisdom & witness to that person that burdens you. You may never know when God will call that person home nor If they are truly saved & growing closer to God. It was a blessing to see a lady at where I work ‘pray’ for her meal. I now know of a godly friend at where I work that desires God & growing as I do. That was an answered prayer to have someone at where I work believe as I do. We cannot control where God places us, but we are to be a light wherever we are & a witness to the lost. Seek Him & grow closer.

  • Jessica Martinez

    As a single mom of a one year old, I’ve had to trust God through very difficult times. I’ve believed the lie that no man will ever want to marry me because something must be wrong with me. It’s my desire to be married, but I’ve decided to trust God and the plans he has for my son and I.

    • Leanna Shepard

      Hi Jessica,
      It’s hard and sometimes painful to trust God with our deepest desires. Psalm 37:4 says the Lord will “give you the desires of your heart,” but verse 3 reminds us first to “trust in the Lord,” and verse 7 tells us to “be still” and “wait patiently for him.” I think we cab agree that that’s the hard part! I am praying that God continues to supply you with the grace to trust in Him. May you find peace as you rest in His will for you.

  • Tabitha

    thank you so much for the practical and helpful articles. i needed this one badly. i have believed every myth here at some point, but God is working in me.

  • Kimberly

    I’ve fallen for the myth that it is me. I’m the reason. I haven’t grown close enough to the Lord or I mess up too many times yet for Him to fulfill the desire to have a spouse and family of my own. Thank you for helping get my focus back to where it needs to be. I needed this post today.

  • XboxGurl 360

    I believed in the lies that it was me all along. Or that guys want a ‘good looking’ girl. I still struggle with this. I know Im not ugly but I’m hard on myself and more so my appearance than I should be. Looks arnt everything, it’s the heart that matters. I know I always have to remind myself that I have to get right with God and have a close relationship with him first before getting into any kind of relationship at all. I know my heart isn’t ready until I am with God. I’m only 20 going on to 21 in 4 months. My family gives me beef on the fact I’ve never dated and question my interest in guys. I also wasn’t allowed to date till I was 18 and I’m the only virgin in my entire family and plan to stay that way till marriage. So I guess it’s also ‘pressure’ and other people negative opinions that fuel the lies as well. I know who to listen and who not to listen too. But that doesn’t mean I’m not human and it gets to me sometimes. I mean I’m young and have plenty of time still right?

    • Leanna Shepard

      Hi XboxGurl,
      I understand what it’s like to feel like you aren’t pretty, or that you aren’t mature or godly enough to get into a relationship. But you know what? No one is ever truly “ready” for marriage–even the married ones! Our time here on earth is a constant growing process. If we walk with Christ, we’ll continue to learn and grow, whether we’re single or married, whether we’re a virgin or not, and whether we’re young or old. Keep turning to God’s Word for truth and you’ll find hope and comfort in Jesus while you wait!

  • Emily D

    I love that quote you used:
    “Your time here pales in comparison to the grand weight of the time eternal you’ll be spending with the greatest Pursuer there is, whether the earthly version comes or not.”
    So beautiful and so true! Regardless of whatever earthly relationship I will or won’t have here on earth, we are still being pursued by the greatest Pursuer and are a part of the greatest romance as the bride of Christ!

    • stripes4eds

      Amen! That quote really stood out to me as well. Thanks for sharing.

  • Rebecca

    It was so nice to be reminded that I don’t have to change anything to be noticed by guys and that it is ultimately me saying that God isn’t good enough. I love the quote, if God wanted me a different way, he’d make me that way.

  • A

    I’ve probably felt #1 before. God has been very good to help me work through it all though.

  • Nicole Yanni

    I have never believed one of these myths but now I know for the future! Thanks a lot guys!

  • Becca<3

    I’ve believed the myth that it was me for a long time.

    • stripes4eds

      Thank you for sharing. I can relate.

  • stripes4eds

    The following stood out to me: “Whenever we set our hopes on a person—or anything other than God—we set ourselves up for disaster.” Thanks for writing and sharing this