How Could He Choose HER?

I still remember where I was when Mary told me that the guy I’d liked for over a year was now dating . . . her. A girl who—in my opinion—wasn’t nearly as pretty as me.

I looked down at the cracks as we walked that small town sidewalk, holding back tears as I felt my heart cracking.

How could he like her? What did he see in her?

And maybe more importantly,

Why was I not enough for him? Why didn’t he choose me?

Have you ever been there?

Totally taken back? Heartbroken? Jealous?

You didn’t earn God’s love, and you won’t earn the love of a man.

It’s too late for me to try to encourage my younger self walking down that weathered sidewalk with cracked insides, but maybe I can encourage you.

Here’s what I want you to know most of all:

Love is not a commodity you earn by your good looks or your social skills or your résumé or your spirituality.

Love is an undeserved gift from your all-wise, kind, generous heavenly Father.

First John tells us that this is love: “not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins” (4:10).

You didn’t earn God’s love, and you won’t earn the love of a man. Just as God’s love for you was a gracious gift, a man’s love for you will be a precious gift.

God’s “no” is as much a gift as His “yes.”

You won’t earn it, you won’t deserve it . . . and if he is a godly (God-like) man, you won’t have to fight to keep it.

Wait, sweet girl. God’s “no” is as much a gift as His “yes.” He gives the best gifts. He proved that at the cross. And He will continue to give you His very best.

He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? (Rom. 8:32).

I’d love to hear from you. Have you ever wondered how your crush could choose . . . her? Are you seeking to earn a guy’s love or waiting on your heavenly Father to give you His very best?

About Author

Paula Marsteller

Paula no longer tries to catch guys' attention by swallowing live goldfish, arm wrestling, and jumping down flights of stairs. (She's married to a wonderful man now!) She spends her days caring for her son, Iren, and writing for Revive Our Hearts. She's the author of Confessions of a Boy-Crazy Girl: On Her Journey from Neediness to Freedom, and she and her family live in New York. You can catch all her writing on PaulaWrites.com.

HEY, GIRLS! We love hearing from you, but feel limited in the ways we can help. For one thing, we’re not trained counselors. If you’re seeking counsel, we encourage you to talk to your pastor or a godly woman in your life as they’ll know more details and can provide you with ongoing accountability and help. Also, the following comments do not necessarily reflect the views of Revive Our Hearts. We reserve the right to remove comments which might be unhelpful, unsuitable, or inappropriate. We may edit or remove your comment if it:

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  • Caroline M

    Thank you so much for this post! I really appreciate it, because this is something I really struggle with.

    The guy I like (or liked until this summer) had a huge crush on my older sister, and always sent her chocolate and notes. Which was weird because he’s my age. It was really hard to watch that.

  • Becca<3

    I needed this today. Thank you

  • TabithaJoi

    I actually have wondered that time and time again as the same boy dated girls who (in my opinion) didn’t deserve him. Little did I know, watching him date those women and being there to help pick him back up when they broke his heart would provide us both with the lessons we needed to learn regarding endless love, commitment, compromise, understanding, etc. We both went through difficult times in order to appreciate the good.

    I will be saying “I do” to my crush who chose all of the wrong girls in 72 days.

    In the end, when it mattered most, he chose me and I am so thankful for that.

    I know this isn’t common for most people, but it’s nice to know that God was shaping our lives to bring us together when we were ready for it (not when I selfishly wanted it).

    • Kate

      TabithaJoi! I am so happy for you! Congrats! I know how it is to watch the same boy date the wrong girls. When his ex broke up with him, he told me about it and wondered who would want him. I told him the right girl will love him just the way he is. The more I think about it, the more I wonder if I’m that girl. But may God bless you two! 💗

    • Em

      Congratulations, TabithaJoi!!!!!!!! I’m so happy for you. Your story made my day. I’m 14, and it’s a great reminder to me that i don’t NEED a bf. It’s always good to just be a great friend and be there for my guy friends.

    • phendricks

      Congratulations, TabithaJoi!!

  • Emily Rose

    I really, REALLY, appreciated this! <3

  • Elisabeth

    Yes, I am, and it can be very hard to wait!!Sometimes not knowing what yo fo or were to turn.

  • “You won’t earn it, you won’t deserve it…and if he is a godly (God-like) man, you won’t have to fight to keep it.” Love that so much!! So many times I have asked myself & God “why her?!” I was so convinced that I was cursed or had something terribly wrong with me that I just wasn’t picking up. Thank you so much for your encouraging words & speaking truth. So many need to hear this message!

    XO,

    Lauren | Grace, Faith, & Glitter

    • Kate

      Lauren! There is nothing wrong with you! Maybe those guys just weren’t right for you. If you have a desire to marry, then God will bring the right man into your life at the right time.

  • Megan Smith

    I had this very thing happen to me once. I had had a crush on him for years, but then a new girl showed up. We proceeded to become good friends, but I didn’t tell her about my crush. Slowly I started to notice that they liked each other, and then one day she told me that they were officially “a thing.” At the time, it really hurt. I shed so many tears over that. I had put so much stock in my future with this guy – one, I might add, I hardly knew! It was hard to let go.

    That was almost 5 years ago. Looking back, I am so thankful that he chose her instead of me. Because I have since realized that he is so wrong for me. He doesn’t really display the fruit of the Spirit and I was so caught up in my crush that I didn’t notice. Now I can see clearly and have learned so much from that heartbreaking time.

    You may be wondering, how did it work out between my friend and my crush? And you know what, I’m not going to say. Because that’s not what matters. The end result is not as important as trusting God with where He has us right now.

    It will always hurt when our hopes and dreams come crashing down, but if we set our hopes on Him who knows the end result, we can trust His plan far above our own.

    • Leisha

      My situation is similar:) I wanted to let my crush go and not think about him all the time and God answered my prayers 3 years later through this situation. How did you let go of your crush and realized he wasn’t the one for you? I am still having a hard time letting him go.

      • Megan Smith

        I would love to tell you a few steps to being free from your crush, but it wasn’t that easy. It really may take a while. Just ground yourself in the fact that Jesus is more than enough for you. From there, trust that God has a perfect plan for your future, with or without your crush. And just make a conscious effort not to dwell on your crush. He will come to mind, and that’s ok and normal! But when it happens, make the choice to turn your thoughts to something else, rather than focusing on your crush.

        And from there, pour yourself into whatever God has called you to do right now: school, work, family, volunteering, church, etc. and eventually, you’ll start to realize you don’t think about him as much.

        Most importantly, don’t worry about the fact that you still have a crush. I’ve found that when I honestly admit that I have a crush, I can move on quicker. Thinking about how you don’t want to think about your crush is still thinking about your crush 😉 I’ve done it far too often!

        I prayed for you, sister! Keep chasing Jesus!

        • Leisha

          Thanks so much:) I really appreciate it:) This helps!!!

          • Megan Smith

            You’re so welcome! I’m glad I could help!

      • phendricks

        What Megan said, Leisha! Excellent advice. 🙂

  • Blythe

    Thank you for your bold bluntness…we don’t need to earn a guys love or attention, that’s the only way I thought to love. Thank you for showing me I was wrong! X

  • Kate

    I’ve had that happen. I was in 7th grade, a 13-year-old girl crushing on a guy for 3 years. He asked another girl out and even though I am way over him and now have feelings for a great guy friend, I wonder what he ever saw in her. Even though it was to get my attention. Boys, if you are in middle school, don’t try to get your crush’s attention by day I g another girl

  • confused

    Great post! This is kinda off subject but i would like your thoughts on this. I have this guy friend, we are not boyfriend/girlfriend because I am not aloud to have a boyfriend until January but do have feelings for each other. We hav known each other for a little over 9 months and hav liked each other about that long to. He has recently told me that he wants to kiss me and I dont know if he should or not. I told him that I would think about letting him and I would tell him if he can or cant when I have an answer. So what I would like your thoughts on is should i let him kiss me or not?

    P.S. If anybody else would like to give me there thoughts on my questions, i would very grateful!:)

    • Jesusfreak17

      First, it’s awesome that you waited to decide until you could seek counsel! That’s an excellent quality that I hope you are determined to keep. 🙂

      Here are a few articles that may help:

      http://www.liesyoungwomenbelieve.com/kiss-kiss/

      http://www.liesyoungwomenbelieve.com/the-power-of-a-kiss/

      • confused

        Thank you Jesusfreak17! 🙂

    • phendricks

      Dear Confused,

      Wow, girl, I’m so proud of you for not just saying yes immediately, but for taking time to think through it. Way to go!

      I would encourage you not to give him your kisses (or your heart!) until you are both able to date, and he clearly pursues and singles you out over all other girls. I have known far too many guys who use girls to get what they want without committing to them.

      Personally, I would want to see you wait to date until you’re actually ready to marry. I promise you that you will have ZERO regrets if you save your kisses for your husband.

      Proud of you, girl,

      paula

      • confused

        Thanks! And thank you for helping me.

    • Kate

      Confused, I was in your position a few months ago. But I let him kiss me, and more than once. I would encourage you to stay friends with him and get to know him better. My guy friend may or may not be the one for me, but I wish I would have saved my first kiss.

      • confused

        Thanks Kate. I am going to stay friends with him and get to know him better.

  • Wow! Such great thoughts… thank you, Paula, for sharing the feelings you had. I know I often look at love as something that must be earned or deserved. Thank you for the reminder that God created love to be a gift.
    Rebekah
    http://www.moreradiance.com

  • Rose Gaston

    Thank you so much Paula !!! This is exactly what I needed . Every guy I have liked has always liked another girl! And the one guy I liked who liked me back I felt I had to work to keep him. Turned out he was a jerk . So god saying no was a gift an I realize that now.

  • Anonymous

    There was a young man I liked most of my life. Churches these days have a shortage of young men and lots of young women usually, so it’s slim-pickings, right ladies? I remember wondering why this young man seemed to be dating every possible option around him except for me. Even my mother voiced this. Ha.
    Little did I know that God was keeping me for my husband and protecting me from giving away my heart to someone who was not His long-term plan. I’m still friends with the young man from my younger years, but I am sure glad that my husband is my husband because the Father knew just the sort of man I needed and who would make me happy.

    • phendricks

      Thank You, Lord!

  • Katie

    Oh my soul, Paula <3 thank you SO much. By God's grace, you have NO IDEA just how timely this encouragement was to my heart this morning <3 thank you so so much. EXACTLY what I needed to hear and be reminded!

    • phendricks

      So sweet. I had no idea, but God did, Katie! How He loves you. 🙂

  • Paulaaaaa! I really needed this! I’ve been struggling with it A LOT. Thank you!!!
    P.S. I’ve been praying for you as your wedding date gets closer! 🙂

    • phendricks

      Thank you, thank you, thank you, Brooklyn. 31 days, and SO much to do!

  • Laynie

    This is exactly what I needed to hear today! I have been REALLY struggling with this!

  • Emily

    Yup. That happened to me in my earlier teenage years. I was just so haunted by the question of why the guy I Iiked so much and who I thought was good friends with me wasn’t interested in me at all, and instead was interested in several other girls he knew (most of whom didn’t even care about him). What did I have or not have that made him not want me? I try not to let it bother me and I’ve totally gotten over him, but it is nice to see that other girls have experienced the same thing I have. 🙂 Dang I’m so glad we don’t have to earn GOD’S love. 😀

  • Dana

    Wow. “God’s “no” is as much a gift as His “yes.”” That really strikes a chord with me, and not just in the context of relationships. Thanks for the article, Paula!

  • Celtic Princess

    This one was hard for me, not so much because I thought she was unworthy compared to me as much as, ‘If guys are looking for someone that pretty, I’ll never measure up!’

  • Vina Lim 林秀清

    Thank you Paula for your article it remind me a lot, and i choose to wait Our Heavenly Father does His magnificent work, your articles are great! Jesus bless you more and more 😀

  • Elisa

    Waiting for a guy to give you his love…you caught me there haha. Man, that’s exactly what’s happening. I’ve started to let him go, but it’s seriously hard. I ask God for help, but I suppose I’m not doing that with all my heart because I still have this teeny flame waiting to be lit by this guy.

  • Gabrielle

    “Love is not a commodity you earn by your good looks or your social skills or your résumé or your spirituality…Love is an undeserved gift from your all-wise, kind, generous heavenly Father.” WOW!! Never thought of it that way.

  • Gabrielle

    “God’s “no” is as much a gift as His “yes.” AMEN!! Thanks for posting this.

  • Alea

    Thank you so much for the reminder and the encouragement!! Check out the song “Stand Still and Let God Move”. It has been a blessing to me!

  • Zee Haroon

    “Love is not a commodity you earn by your good looks or your social skills or your résumé or your spirituality. Love is an undeserved gift from your all-wise, kind, generous heavenly Father. First John tells us that this is love: “not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins” (4:10). I Love this statement!!

  • Binta U.

    This has happened so many times I cannot count! This really helped me though! Thank you so much!!! Also did you keep a journal when you were in highschool? If so, I just wanted to say that that is SO cool!! I keep one also. 😀

  • jennifer holmes

    this passage has really touch my because it was this boy in school that i liked { can’t say the name}. so much i just did everything to make him like me. Sometimes he would talk to me and i would just feel happy in the inside and we would sit in groups together but my friend sat in the group with us too. I found that he was her ex- boyfriend and he would talk to her more than me even that was his ex.my cousin happened to be his friend and he told me that he wanted to get back together with her and that made me want to cry so bad. Still this day im stilll her friend and he still likes her and he told me that he just want to be friends so now im still waiting for god to give a man to marry and have beatiful children.

    • Kate

      Oh Jennifer! I’m so sorry you’re going through this! I know what’s like when the guy you like is going after someone else. It’s good that a guy hasn’t broken your friendship with your friend. When I was 15, I liked a godly guy who goes to my church. My feelings grew, but he had his eye on someone else. I’ve never met his girlfriend, but she is lucky to have him as a boyfriend. I’m 18 now and I have moved on from him about a year ago, but he and I are friends now. I’m now attracted to a Christian guy friend.

  • Kahria Lowe

    i loved him, well love him. Its not one of those loves when you use to like another guy but now you like this guy, no i love him as, its been impossible to love any one else, love. Id be willing to do pretty much anything for him(but sin) to the point i want him to marry a goldy woman, who ses how special he is.. even if its not me:( Since i was 8 i liked this guy, id known him since i was.. well i guess 2. Im 16. And he is killing me. I say ” leave himalone. just move on.” and i cant… every time he smiles it hurts, cause those dimples and brown eyes arent mine:( i guess im just trying to figure out, what do i do… it hurts alittle more than it should( im lying it hurts alot more then it should).

    • phendricks

      Dear Kahria,

      I’m so sorry I’m just now responding.

      This guy might look perfect from a distance, but I can guarantee you he’s not! I know that because all humans but the God-man, Jesus, are sinful.

      There’s one way out of your idolatry, and one way only. Jesus is a far better treasure than this guy, and you need to make it your mission to get to know Him. As you fall in love with Him, your “love” for this other guy will fade.

      Have you read my book, “Confessions of a Boy-Crazy Girl”? I too idolized guys and had no idea how to be satisfied in Jesus. I’d encourage you to pick a copy up if you can.

      Praying for you now, girl,

      paula

  • Sammy

    Yes. SOO much, I’ve wondered how he could choose somebody else over me. I so freely just gave my heart to him. Confided in him, trusted him, but felt as though I had to earn his love. Its a trap. it hurts a lot. I felt so connected to this guy and still do sometimes. We started talking about a year ago today and in 2 months will be 1 year from when my mom passed. I called and texted him and he always always answered. We got so close and out of nowhere he cut me off and dated some girl for a week before they became gf and bf. And now they’ve been together for 5 months. Its taking longer that i would have thought to get over him, because when I miss my mom i have a tendency to want to run to him, instead of God. But these last couple weeks I’ve been changing. Its a hard process to go through.

    • Li An

      Yeah… It’s a hard process to go through but it is still possible. Letting go and letting God. Praying for you, that you may fix your eyes on Jesus. Keep calm, the best is yet to come. God is faithful 🙂

  • Alex Choate

    Whoa. That’s all I have to say. There is no way to explain how much I needed to hear these EXACT words……. God is just so cool.

  • thehappygirl

    Wow, I’m almost in tears. What a moving sentiment… God DOES give the best gifts. I wondered why he would pick her after a breakup in November of last year. I realized that I should never have to “fight” to keep someone. If they stray away that easily, you probably don’t need them anyway. I’m so thankful my Heavenly Father is leading me to the right person. God bless you ladies here at LYWB, such a blessing and help ❤

  • 1Dfanforever

    Wow. That is just…..wow. That article suits me SO well. I struggle with boycraziness and I am not as bad as I used to be, but it still gets me sometimes…….I feel like me and Dannah Gresh and anyone other authors on here are EXACTLY alike. I fell in love with this guy when I was 13 and chased him for YEARS!! The only problem was, he hated me. Alot his other friends say he didn’t hate me, but he made it quite clear that he did. And he broke my heart SEVERAL times. When he finally did get a girlfriend I was like,” OK I’m done with you! Why choose her and not me?? What did I not have that she has?? Why was I not good enough for you.” And this article just proved everything that she said is true because I went through all of it. The broken heartedness and the revival God had waiting for me. God truly does have the best gifts for me. I just had to wake up and see that he was giving them to me. 😉