Why I’m Not Looking for Just a Husband

I am going to do something that I’ve never done in a blog post before. I’m going to open up my journal and share some completely personal things that I wrote down this past week.

I was sitting on my bed praying when I wrote it. As I was praying for my future husband, my mind started working, and I began truly thinking about what I was praying for. I wondered . . . am I praying for just a husband, or am I praying for something more? Do I just want to get married and have a man in my life to call “honey,” or do I want something bigger than that? Is my end goal to just get a guy?

A peek into my journal . . .

Here is what I wrote in my journal right after I finished praying:

“My life is not at all what I would have imagined, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I would not have guessed that I would be twenty-six and single, running a blog for young women, trying to publish a book, mentoring young women, directing AWANA, and still working in my dad’s business. I 100% thought I would be married . . .

“I trust that God must have a plan for my life beyond what I could have ever hoped or dreamed of. If I’m not married, I trust that God has a purpose so big for me right now! God is huge, and He could provide a husband if He wanted to.

“God, You are so big. You can do far more above all that I could ever ask or think. You parted the Red Sea, made Joseph of Egypt second in command, healed people, and turned water into wine. I trust that You can and will bring me a husband if it’s Your will.

“I do desire a godly husband, not just a husband.

“When people ask me if I want to get married, I say, “Absolutely! But not just for the sake of having a husband. I want to join forces and serve God in ways I couldn’t serve Him as a single. My goal is always the same. I want to serve God.”

I realized I wasn’t looking for just a husband.

I would rather remain single and serve God to the fullest over marrying a less-than-passionate-about-God guy just to get married.

That night I realized that I want so much more than just a husband. I want a godly husband. I want a husband who has a vision to serve the Lord and make an eternal impact with his life. My desires over the past couple of years have totally shifted. I went from just wanting a guy in my life, to desiring to marry a godly man who I can serve the Lord alongside of.

The truth is (and I never thought I would say this), I would rather remain single and serve God to the fullest over marrying a less-than-passionate-about-God guy just to get married.

Why you shouldn’t look for just a husband.

I want to challenge you to evaluate your desires and ask yourself what your dreams of the future are. Do you desire to get married just because you want a husband? Do you just want a guy in your life? Do you just want a boyfriend? (Any boyfriend!)

When I was younger, I used to think that relationships and marriage would just work out even if the couple wasn’t passionate about God, didn’t consistently go to church, or have solid spiritual convictions. I now realize that relationships don’t just work out. I’ve seen it on both sides. Great girls who settled for not-so-great guys, and it didn’t just work out. I’ve seen guys marry self-absorbed girls, and the relationship sadly didn’t last.

Ask God to help you desire a godly man.

I don’t want to marry a guy just because I want husband. In the big picture, it’s just not worth it. I’ve learned from watching other marriages that the fun and excitement and romance waxes and wanes. When that happens, I don’t want to wake up next to a man whose biggest goal in life is his own happiness. I want a guy who puts God at the top of his priority list.

I hope that you will start praying over the desires of your heart and ask God to help you desire a godly man. And don’t forget to pray that God will help you become the type of woman that a godly guy would want to marry.

Heart Check

  1. Are you looking for just a husband, or are you looking for a godly man?
  2. What character qualities should a godly guy have?
  3. What character qualities should a godly girl have?
  4. Will you pray and ask God to change the desires of your heart towards wanting a godly man and not just a husband?

About Author

Bethany Baird

After a brief experience in the modeling industry, Bethany’s eyes were opened to how self-absorbed and lost her generation of young women really are. She and her older sister were inspired to start a blog (www.GirlDefined.com) and wrote a book Girl Defined: God’s Radical Design for Beauty, Femininity and Identity. Their passion is to help young women find God’s truth about beauty and womanhood and the freedom that comes from living a radically different life for Christ.

HEY, GIRLS! We love hearing from you, but feel limited in the ways we can help. For one thing, we’re not trained counselors. If you’re seeking counsel, we encourage you to talk to your pastor or a godly woman in your life as they’ll know more details and can provide you with ongoing accountability and help. Also, the following comments do not necessarily reflect the views of Revive Our Hearts. We reserve the right to remove comments which might be unhelpful, unsuitable, or inappropriate. We may edit or remove your comment if it:

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  • Tricia

    Bethany,
    AMEN. This is exactly what every girl needs to consider and deeply pray over.
    My fiancé and I recently broke up. I caught him involved in things I had no idea he was doing. At first I couldn’t believe that he could lie to me so well and hide all of his secrets, but then I realized that it wasn’t just his lies that blinded me but the fact that I had been looking for “just a husband”.

    When we had first dated I was searching for a guy to marry and “love me” (a.k.a. hold me, say I love you, take me on dates, etc). Not until this breakup have I really considered why I want to marry. Really, truly why.

    Through this breakup God has revealed to me the root of why I had been looking for just a man. i wanted someone to be proud of me, find favor in me, and want to know me. This is when God gave me Galatians 1:10
    “Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God?”

    Ouch. What a great question to ask in the sense of marriage. Am I trying to win the approval of a man, or am I trying to win the approval of God by seeking a godly husband who will join me in the battle?

    Thank you so much for your post.
    Much blessings!
    Tricia

    • Taryn

      Tricia,
      I am sorry you and your fiance broke up. Life is hard. So many girls marry the guy before they learn whatever you learned. So at least you were able to learn the stuff he was doing before you got married. I pray that you will find someone worthy of your time and you.

      • Jolene

        Good advice Taryn. I have a relative who was so sure she knew her husband of a few months when they got married. They had been together for about eight years. She learned of his secrets after the big splashy wedding, and had the marriage annulled.
        She is now a very confident young lady who knows exactly what she’s looking for in a guy, and she’s fine with waiting for the right one to marry.

    • Tricia, I am so sorry to hear about your broken engagement. It sounds like you have done a lot of thinking and realized you were looking for “just a husband.” God is definitely working in your life to grow you and prepare to serve Him better in the future. Focus on serving God and in His timing He will provide that godly husband if It’s His will 🙂

  • Taryn

    This post was wonderful I know so many girls in my school who just want to get married or have just a boyfriend. When you asked those questions I realized that I have never thought of relationships that way. I truly do believe that in order to have a good relationship you need to not be self absorbed and you need to find a guy that won’t treat you like trash. So many girls marry guys that treat them like trash because they are to afraid to say no. In books you see that the girl finds a guy that seems perfect (because he looks it) but then they learn that he’s not all that great and that the person they really love is their childhood friend. Then they think its to late but they run back to the guy anyways and learn that hes been waiting for her. Like the movie “13 going on 30” she decides that she wants to be popular and has the chance to go out with the most popular guy so she abuses her friend then she wishes to be 30 and learns that being cool isn’t as great as she thought and that she lost a great guy. Then there’s Anne of Green Gables:Anne of the Island Gilbert proposes and Anne rejects him thinking that she is going to meet the guy she has always dreamed about. Then in the end Anne learns that Gilbert might die and finds that she has always loved him. so the next day when she sees a guy that knows gilbert she asks how hes doing and the guy says that he got all better. It turns out that he got better because he got a letter from one of Annes friends saying that she has rejected everyone and in the end they get engaged. Sadly, life isn’t like either of those so we have to go through the hurt nstead of just knowing who we are going to marry.

    • Taryn, It’s so comforting to know that God has a perfect plan for our lives and if we follow Him and seek His will, He will provide in His timing. We can rest knowing that God’s got it. I would encourage you to start working in your own life to build the qualities that a godly man will desire. I was so encouraged by the book “Sacred Singleness” by Leslie Ludy. If you haven’t read it I would highly recommend it! 🙂

  • Amber

    I needed this today…last night I received an email from my first and only former boyfriend. I haven’t heard from him in close to three months and it brought back a lot of anger and sadness from that relationship. Turns out he wants to date me again, however my heart is already going two directions with out having him talking to me. Please pray for me…when I first dated my ex, he was the only guy that had ever pursued me, now that’s not the case. Idk what to do…

    • Brittney

      Hi Amber I know how you are feeling,I just went through the same thing,stay strong an Gods word.I will be praying for you,Always remember you need a man to bring you closer than God not push you away,God has a great godly man for you,just trust in him.

    • While you may need to address your emotions surrounding this guy from your past, that doesn’t mean that it is the best thing for you to reconnect with him in a dating relationship again. Make sure that you have forgiven him for whatever pain he brought into your life. Only God can see his heart and judge him both mercifully and justly. Forgiving means that you have surrendered him and all your emotions connected to him to the Lord. You will find it very freeing to pass this burden on to God.

      I’m praying for you, Amber. Stay in the Word. Seek, listen and heed the godly counsel of those who know you the best – your parents, your friends, your pastor. Get them to praying and speaking truth into your life. Jeremiah Canfield wrote a blog for us about what to look for in a guy that may help you evaluate the guys that are in your life right now. You can find it here:

      http://www.liesyoungwomenbelieve.com/what-kind-of-guy-should-you-date/

  • Diane

    Very good post! I want to add to this: when you are praying for your future husband to be a godly man and be active in church, be sure to know that maybe sometimes his attention won’t be all on you, because he may be serving the Lord outside of home like going to missionary trips, visiting elders or sick people, etc.. I think it’s also imprtant to pray about yourself, that God will keep you strong, give you wisdom, and that He prepare you for the future family life.

  • Kyra

    Bethany-you are so transparent with your sharing of your journal entries, and a big thank you for laying your thoughts out for your readers. About your heart check questions…

    I was looking for a godly man, and met that great guy years ago and we’re very happily married.

    The character qualities a godly guy should have include INTEGRITY, practices the Golden Rule (do unto others as you would have them do unto you), is not above making apologies and making appropriate amends, has a passion for purity, is responsible (no unfinished business to take ownership for and to take responsibility for before marrying!) and is respectful to the authorities in his life. (boss, parents, teachers).Of course, after marriage a guy doesn’t have to answer to parents but he still needs to be respectful towards them and to honor them.

    What character qualities should a godly girl have? I’d say she should have the same as the guy.
    No double standard!

    Will you pray and ask God to change the desires of your heart towards wanting a godly man and not just a husband? I did this many moons ago and the Lord delivered with my wish for a godly man who was “not just a husband”!!! I didn’t “settle”.
    Hey ladies—-the “not so great” guys have their counterpart with “not so great girls”. Goes both ways. Always best to work on yourself and your issues before thinking about looking for a godly man to marry.

    • Kyra,
      I love all of your answers and insight. It’s so great to hear from a woman who is ahead of me and is married to a godly man. You had a lot of great wisdom and insight to offer. Thanks so much for taking the time to share 🙂

  • Guest

    Bethany, Thank you so much for sharing! Every morning i Look forward to finding a new article and this one i especially loved. After reading it, i was thinking… “This girl so gets it!!!” I’ll be praying that The Lord will bless you with a GODLY husband. ❤️

    • I really appreciate your words of encouragement! 🙂

  • Kiley

    Bethany, great post!! I too am praying for a GODLY husband! I have been through so many relationships and even an ugly marriage/divorce where God was not present and I didn’t feel like He needed to be. Every time I ended up with a broken heart. Since I came back to God and asked for his help he blessed me with a godly boyfriend who puts God first, prays with me, studies the bible with me, etc. It is such a breath of fresh air! Unfortunately this friend is not able to remarry but he certainly has shown me what qualities I want to find (with God’s help) in a future husband. Praying for you and the other commenters that God will answer our heart’s desires and provide us with someone by our side serving God together!

    • Kiley, Thanks so much for sharing with all of us! I really appreciate your encouragement 🙂 I’m so glad that you have a vision of godly manhood and now know what to look for. God is so good and will provide in His perfect timing!

  • emmalee

    you are SO right Bethany!
    i realized now that JUST looking a for guy REALLY was my past thinking, but AFTER reading this, i had a change of heart!
    >>i am still a teen, AND NO BOYFRIEND; i am so glad…..i dont want THEM to be my idol (no guys have my phone number, not even one 😀 …… right now teens are more prone to imagination and romantic thinking, so since im homeschooled, i have a sweet opportunity to have my relationship boost up in CHrist! i love your post…you brought light to the parts we tend to hide within ourselves….

  • Vivienne

    This post was so helpful to me especially as the role of dating and marriage has been on my heart a lot in the past few weeks. Thank you so much for your wise words! Would you all ever consider doing a post about how to start a God centered relationship? I know I could really use the advice! I am considering taking my deep friendship with a godly guy to the next level in revealing the way I feel about him, but in a mature, level headed, God-centered way and I’d love some Christian counsel in how to do that.

  • Christa

    I really apprecaite this a lot. I can relate to this as well. I know God has someone out there for me because of other things people have told me. I felt like God tell me to pray for my future husband again. I was like ok I’ll start praying again and I did. I have certain things on my list that I pray for him for. I do need to pray for not just anyman but a Godly man, responsible with money, kind to others, caring, and compassionate and has a heart of service. 🙂 Those are other things on my list.

  • Melonie

    I used to pray for that future someone when I was starting high school. But as the years went on I just stopped, because I actually realized that I could have an amazing life without a husband in it. My dream and passion is film and music, and I want to make it my ministry by using whatever talents I posess to ultimately point people back to Jesus. I know God’s plans totally surpass mine, but I’m dreaming big, and I just know God has even bigger things planned for me than what I can imagine, even if they don’t turn out the way I thought they would.
    My point is: I don’t know that in the midst of all that, if I could keep a healthy relationship with a guy. I just feel like my life would be way too busy to fit a man in. And honestly the older I get the weirder I realize I become, & I just don’t know how a guy would love me despite all of it. And even more so: I can’t imagining giving up any dreams for a guy or loving a man enough to spend my life with him. I just can’t fathom that.
    Honestly I’m not looking for a husband at all. I really don’t care if I end up with anyone in the end. I just don’t feel like I’m meant to live that life

    • It sounds like God is giving you some big dreams and I encourage you to pursue them but to hold onto them loosely as well. As you said, “God has even bigger things planned for me than what I can imagine, even if they don’t turn out the way I thought they would.” If God has a husband in your future, then He will give you the grace to alter your dreams if necessary and to develop a healthy relationship. But it’s important for us to not cling so tightly to our dreams that we miss the “better thing” that God may have for us.

      The most important thing you can do as you wait for God’s direction and timing is to focus on your relationship with Him. He will continually be bringing things into your life in preparation for the future He has for you. And He has your best at the center of His heart for you.

  • Shon

    After reading this article, tears formed in my eyes because it opened my eyes to what I wasn’t seeing. Yes, I honestly can say I was just wanting a husband in my life because I need help raising 4 children and I’m tired of doing it on my own. But you made me realize that it is not all about having a man to help. Just like you mentioned if God can part the Red Sea and do many wondrous miracles He can help me in numerous ways–and I don’t need a man for that. But sometimes if the world only knew how exhausted I am being a single mother of 4 little children could my rationale for wanted a husband become clearer. But thanks for sharing this article, when you feel like you have reach the lowest point in your life you will look at other means to pull yourself out. So why not start here and start praying for changing of my heart so God can bring that Godly man