Driving Nails To Kill

posted by Paula Hendricks on 06/12/12 | Twitter: @PaulaWrites678
Category: Relationships; ; 32 comments

Thanks to everyone who wrote a tribute to your dad! We'll be featuring three of those on the blog tomorrow through Friday. Just a word of warning: When you present your tribute to your dad on Father's Day, ask God to help you do it with no strings attached. Don't let your feelings be hurt if he doesn't ooh and aah over it like you think he should. Remember—you're giving this to him to bless him, not to manipulate and get something back from him.

I wasn't surprised to read that not all of you were interested in writing your dad a tribute. Some pain runs too deep. One of you wrote, divorce

My dad left when I was six, came back when I was ten and had another baby with my mum, then left again about a year ago. Now my parents are getting divorced. I don't talk to him anymore, and I'm sure not doing anything for him. My tribute: Say goodbye to your wedding invitation when I get married! And don't expect to get any photos when the grandkids come.

If you relate to her pain, I'm going to challenge you this Father's Day season not to write your dad a tribute, but to choose to forgive him. Not for your dad's sake, but for your own sake. Because if hurt has turned into bitterness in your life, you're destroying yourself. Just ask this person:

My daddy left us when I was two. I wanted a daddy so bad. I hated him for leaving me. I hated him so much, I wanted him to die and go to hell.

I grew up in the mountains. There is a lot of superstition in the mountains. They said if you drove a nail in a tree and spoke the name of a person while driving the nail that person would die.

There was a big pine tree near where I grew up. I went to that pine tree day after day driving nails and speaking the name of my daddy. I do not know how many nails I drove in that tree, but my daddy did not die. I hated him so much.

The hatred I carried for my daddy wrecked my first marriage and is threatening my second. I am a shell of a person; I do not have any close personal relationships.

Whether it's your dad or someone else who has wronged you, here are three helpful steps on how to choose forgiveness from Nancy Leigh DeMoss:

1. Identify the people who have wronged you and the way(s) they have sinned against you.

Take a blank sheet of paper and draw two lines from top to bottom, forming three even columns down the page. In the left column, write the names of all those who have sinned against you. . . . Then in the middle column, write out the specific offense (or offenses) each one has committed against you. How did they wrong you? Be specific.

It's important to realize that forgiveness does not mean pretending that the offense never happened. That's not honest. That's denial. True forgiveness is not about mind games and dream worlds—it's not about escaping from reality. It's about facing reality and dealing with it God's way.

2. Make sure your conscience is clear toward each of the individuals on your list.

That's what the third column on your paper is for. Ask yourself, "How have I responded to this person?" Then record your answer.

  • Have you blessed them?
  • Have you loved them?
  • Have you prayed for them?
  • Have you forgiven them?

The truth is that you're not responsible for what goes in that middle column. You didn't ask for it, didn't invite it, don't deserve it. But you are responsible—solely and fully responsible—for what goes in the third column.

Once you've identified those people who have wronged you, once your conscience is clear with the Lord and with those individuals—you've sought forgiveness for anything you've done to them . . . it's time to take the next—and what may be the hardest—step in your journey.

3. Choose to fully forgive every person who has sinned against you.

You don't have to feel like it. You don't have to want to. But if you want to be an obedient child of God, you've got to forgive . . . There's just no detour around this point in the journey to freedom in Christ. "If you hold anything against anyone, forgive him" (Mark 11:25).

As you respond to the Lord in this matter, be sure not to stop short of actually forgiving your offenders. I've heard sincere, well-meaning people pray, "Lord, please help me to forgive this person." I've heard others say, "I know I need to forgive him . . ." I don't doubt their sincerity, but that's not enough. Don't just ask God for help; don't just talk about your need to forgive. Go all the way. Say, "Lord, by Your grace and in obedience to You, I choose to forgive. I do forgive!"

If you make that choice to forgive, will you tell me about it? And if not, what's holding you back?

Comments

HEY, GIRLS! We love hearing from you, but feel limited in the ways we can help. For one thing, we’re not trained counselors. If you’re seeking counsel, we encourage you to talk to your pastor or a godly woman in your life as they’ll know more details and can provide you with ongoing accountability and help. Also, the following comments do not necessarily reflect the views of Revive Our Hearts. We reserve the right to remove comments which might be unhelpful, unsuitable, or inappropriate.

    O
    Re:
    on Tuesday, June 12, 2012 at 2:40 am
    Forgiveness is so hard! I'm still working at it. But something I've learned is that forgiveness is a process. I have to decide daily, when I remember what this person has done to me, that I will forgive them. I will not hold their past offenses against them. After that initial decision for forgiveness, which I only made by the strength of God, it is not an instant ticket to happiness in the matter. But it does bring peace. I sometimes find myself un-forgiving this person, if that makes sense. But have to make that decision to forgive, again. I forgive because Christ has forgiven me.
    Nono<3
    Re:
    on Tuesday, June 12, 2012 at 7:33 am
    How do you know when you have truely forgiven someone?,because you could say you have forgiven someone but still go back to the same state of mind you were in.I know that in Christ you can do everything,but not everything is easy...
    Em
    Re:
    on Tuesday, June 12, 2012 at 8:49 am
    Yeah I have the same question as nono<3.
    And it asked if you blessed the person and loved them, but how do you do that if you are not allowed to see them? My grandfather molested my sisters, I am not allowed to see him and haven't in 6 years. And how do I know if I have forgiven him for sure? I don't know how to feel towards him.
    rachel
    maybe you could help with my dilemma
    on Tuesday, June 12, 2012 at 12:13 pm
    I often think I have forgiven my dad, but then I wonder. My father has issues with women, and I am his only daughter. I was suppose to "make him happy" but instead spent my childhood being the scapegoat for his depression. I outgrew the abusive stalker type relationship he chose, and finally opted for estrangement. My brothers insist this is uncompassionate and unchristian. He calls them and cries that I won't see him. But I have a far easier time forgiving him when he isn't around to blame me for his misery personally. Is this lazy Christianity? Or is it more compassionate to not enable his passive aggression towards me? I really really would appreciate any advice.
    Alison
    Forgiveness
    on Tuesday, June 12, 2012 at 1:17 pm
    My family was just talking about forgiveness on Sunday night during our family Bible study! My dad said that you can't forgive someone unless they ask for forgiveness...
    But you can show them Grace and Mercy and move on. I think the point is to get your heart in the place where you can move on and not hold on to hate for that person, which would make you bitter. Even Jesus doesn't forgive you unless you specifically ask Him for forgiveness, but He still loves you more than anything.

    What are your thoughts?
    Nono<3
    Re:
    on Tuesday, June 12, 2012 at 1:54 pm
    @Alison but don't you think if a person doesn't ask for forgiveness then we stay angry at them and end up in complete bondage.aren't we meant to forgive others not only for them but also for ourselfs.I think this verse gives us a bit of direction Matthew 18:15-35
    Flora Caroline
    Forgiveness
    on Tuesday, June 12, 2012 at 3:22 pm
    I think the next-best feeling in the world is forgiving someone, the best is being forgiven :)
    Maye
    My Father
    on Tuesday, June 12, 2012 at 4:09 pm
    I love my dad and he loves and is good to me, but the thing that makes our relationship so hard is that I love Jesus and he does not. He was hurt in many ways in the past and still won't let his wounds heal. He takes meds for depression, but really he just won't let Jesus give him joy. God promised me that my dad would be saved, and I have never EVER doubted that, but it's so hard to wait. It's so hard to be the family in church that everyone thinks is fatherless because he doesn't come with us. Now my little brother is even showing similar attitudes, and that kills me. Will you please pray for my family?
    Will you also pray that I will let God be my Father? The thought of calling God Father makes me sick to my stomach, and I don't know why! I want Him to be my Father, yet I can't see Him being different than my earthly father; I actually picture Him worse! Do you have any advice about this?
    Julie
    Forgivness
    on Tuesday, June 12, 2012 at 5:16 pm
    I've heard from a preacher that to forgive someone is like cutting of the top of an iceberg. You think that you have fully forgiven them but once you see or hear of them again another part of that iceberg pops up. Forgiveness is a process but one day nothing will come up and you will have completely forgiven the person who hurt you.
    I really hope this helps.
    I'll be praying for every one.
    Love Julie
    Heather
    Re:
    on Tuesday, June 12, 2012 at 5:32 pm
    I think I've forgiven my mom for what's she's done wrong, I love her with all my heart, but sometimes I still get angry about what happened. I think I've forgiven my father.. I'm not sure. I don't like him at all, and I'm not going to visit him on Father's Day, and he continues to try to ruin my life and how I feel about myself. I'm not sure what forgiveness would look like with him. I don't wish anything bad on him, but I don't love him or like him, either.
    Lorree, with the LYWB team
    Alison
    on Tuesday, June 12, 2012 at 7:25 pm
    You are right, Alison, forgiveness is a matter of the heart—a matter of obedience to the Father (Eph. 4:31-32). Forgiveness isn’t for the other person’s benefit, but more for our own benefit. We appreciate your interest in our thoughts on this issue.

    We can make a choice to forgive someone regardless or not they ask for it. But unless they ask, they aren’t able to receive our forgiveness. When we look at the men who crucified Jesus, Jesus asked God to forgive them—He chose to forgive them—while there is no indication the men sought the forgiveness (Lu. 23:34).

    What about the situation where the person isn’t able to ask forgiveness, like in the event of a death. God gives us the ability to choose to forgive the wrongs they have done to us. Christ died for our sins while we were yet sinners—before we had any opportunity to ask His forgiveness (Rom. 5:6-11). His forgiveness is there for us but we must choose to believe and receive it in order to receive God’s gift of salvation.

    God enables us to impart grace and mercy to the lives of others as we make the choice to forgive and surrender their judgment into the hands of our merciful and just God.
    Lorree, with the LYWB team
    Rachel
    on Tuesday, June 12, 2012 at 7:26 pm
    I am so sorry that you have had to endure this abuse from your father. God has given you wisdom in handling his co-dependence on you as his scape goat. Forgiving doesn’t mean that what he did was right nor does it mean that you put yourself into a harmful situation again. Forgiving simply releases your father out of your hands and into the hands of our merciful and just God for his judgment. There will come a time when we will all stand before God and give an account for our actions on earth (Rom. 14:12).

    Romans 12:9-21 gives guidance for us as we do life with others. I encourage you read this, pray it through and to look for ways that you can bless your dad. I certainly encourage you to pray for him and to not lose hope for God to work in his heart and bring healing there (Jer. 32:17). We are to do good to those who hurt us—and praying for them—taking them to our loving Father—is a wonderful way to bless them.

    I also encourage you to honor him (Eph. 6:2-3) in his position as father. That is not honoring how he treats you, but respecting the position God gave him as your dad. One thing you can do is to refuse to talk badly about him to others. Perhaps you can send a card for Father’s day and share a positive remembrance you have of him. That is not putting you back into the position of being abused, but it is a way to respect, honor and bless him.

    I’ve prayed for you, Rachel, and for the tender situation you are in with your family. I’ve asked the Lord to continue to protect you and to guide you in how to honor and respect your dad while staying safe. I know that as you pray, He will be faithful to hear and answer your prayers (Ps. 18: 1-3).
    Evey
    Re:
    on Tuesday, June 12, 2012 at 8:55 pm
    I have also struggled with forgiveness way way back before when I was still an unbeliever until I became a baby Christian. There's this one person I held grudge to for 3 years because of what he did to me. It was hideous, self-pitying, corrupt. I couldn't bring myself to forgive since he didn't even seem like in regret of what he did! But when I learned the depth of the cross, of what hatred turned to humility, by God's grace, I learned to forgive Him. It wasn't in an instant! It took time for me to have the courage to not ignore him anymore. We aren't friends but I do not consider him as an enemy as well. I'm taking it step by step. Without God in my self, I do not know how deep the hatred inside of me could have damaged me. It's all because of Jesus Christ who took the fall and thought of me above all.
    Allie
    @Lorree from the LYWB team and Rachel
    on Wednesday, June 13, 2012 at 12:44 am
    Lorree, understand that I love and respect you as a person, and as a sister in Christ; because I'm about to be completely honest with you here: there's something about that post I don't agree with.

    Most of it was great, I really do agree with you on most of it, but then you got to the 'blessing her dad' part. I don't agree with you, and here's why:

    Her brothers are already trying to manipulate her into contact with her dad, who is abusive. It was so bad she even emancipated from him. Now, if the situation got so bad that she had to emancipate from him, what makes you think it's a good idea to send him a card?

    Forgiveness is a blessing in itself. It frees not only us, but the other person. She doesn't need to regain ANY form of contact to bless her dad. Because arm's length distance is all he needs to suck her into his world again.

    Now, I'm all for blessing Dad's, but in an already toxic relationship, I'm gonna have to give the thumbs down on this one.

    I think it would be a greater blessing to avoid him, this way, he doesn't fall into sin anymore. Forgiving him and choosing to pray for him is the best you can do. Don't let anyone try and guilt trip you otherwise. "For there is no condemnation in Christ Jesus" You're not being uncompassionate, you're being a sane, human being.

    The best way she can bless him is to move on with her life. I also think you could have swapped 'honor' with 'respect', just to avoid some confusion. But that's personal opinion.
    Jenn
    awesome!
    on Wednesday, June 13, 2012 at 8:31 am
    my comment got put on it :D haha.. yeah.. its really hard to forrgive him.. ive been trying but those negative feelings towards him always manage to come crawling back..
    RachelAllison
    @Evey
    on Wednesday, June 13, 2012 at 9:09 am
    You're so right! Forgiving those who have wronged us goes against our very human nature, but once we have tasted the sweetness of God's amazing grace and understand what He truly did for us, that forgiveness of others becomes possible - not necessarily easy (we are still human), but doable through Christ. Only those who truly understand the gospel can learn to love their enemies, do good to those who hate them, bless those who curse them, and pray for those who spitefully use them. For if we love only those who love us, how are we any different from the world? But when, through Christ, we love those who are unlovable, we are a testimony of the very love that we have received - pointing others to God and His glory, which is the purpose of our Christian lives, is it not?
    Lorree, with the LYWB team
    Allie
    on Wednesday, June 13, 2012 at 1:10 pm
    Thank you Allie for sharing your comments with me! We try to make it clear we are not trained counselors. We just answer according to what we feel the Scriptures say about a situation. We often don’t know the details surrounding each situation. We pray Rachel will receive wise counsel through godly leaders/counselors and find the freedom of forgiveness. God bless you.
    Rachel
    Re:
    on Wednesday, June 13, 2012 at 10:22 pm
    I'm having a hard time with forgiving my Dad.He cheated on my mom and this family. I feel like I can't trust him anymore. My parents got back together but ever since he cheated I feel like I'm just living with a stranger. I lost my relationship with him. I don't see him in the same way anymore. He seems to have completely forgotten about what he did to us. But I can't forget. He hurt us so much. I really want to forgive him but I just don't know if I'm ready yet, I'm to scared that he's going to make the wrong choices again.
    Julie
    Re: Reachel
    on Thursday, June 14, 2012 at 1:05 am
    Rachel, I suggest you start praying to God to help you forgive your dad (if you have not already) And that he will give you a peace of mind. God will help you through any problem.
    Forgiveness is a beautiful thing.
    I'll be praying for you.
    Love, Julie
    Lorree, with the LYWB team
    Rachel
    on Thursday, June 14, 2012 at 2:31 pm
    Oh, Rachel, I can only imagine the hurt that you are holding in your heart. The danger of not choosing to forgive your dad is that bitterness will begin to grow in your heart (Heb. 12:15) which has the potential of affecting every relationship you have – not just the one with your dad. It will even affect your relationship with God as it is sin to not forgive others (Lu. 17:3-4). If you have a chance, pick up Nancy Leigh DeMoss’s book “Choosing Forgiveness”. It will help you walk through the process of the importance of choosing to forgive those who have hurt us.

    Forgiving your dad is the right thing to do, even though right now it seems so hard. I wish I could promise that your dad won’t sin again, but I can’t Rachel. I encourage you to pray for him, to give him your love and your forgiveness and to ask God to walk you through the process of learning to trust him again. I’ve asked God to draw near to you, to comfort you and to give you the grace and power to forgive your dad.
    Carrie, with the LYWB team
    @Heather
    on Thursday, June 14, 2012 at 7:53 pm
    I’m sorry for the heartache and pain you’ve known in your family, Heather. These questions – taken from Nancy Leigh DeMoss’ book Choosing Forgiveness will help you evaluate if you’ve truly forgiven your parents.

    As you reflect on the ways you have been offended, do you find any
    of these statements to be true?

    o Every time I think of (person or offense), I still feel angry.
    o I have a subtle, secret desire to see (person) pay for what he (she/
    they) did to me.
    o Deep in my heart, I wouldn’t mind if something bad happened to
    the person(s) who hurt me.
    o I sometimes find myself telling others how (person) hurt me.
    o If (person’s) name comes up, I am more likely to say something
    negative about him/her than something positive.
    o I cannot thank God for (person).

    If you find you’ve not fully forgiven, I’d be happy to send you a booklet that will help you walk through this process, Heather. You may contact me at info@reviveourhearts.com .

    I encourage you to also reread the account of Joseph’s life in Genesis 37-50. Joseph suffered unbelievable atrocities at the hands of family, friends and authorities, Yet Scripture tells us even in the darkest of circumstances “God was with Joseph.” God never lost sight of Joseph, nor did He waste even one minute of the suffering Joseph endured. In the end Joseph was able to see that what others meant for his destruction God intended to use for good ( Gen. 50:20).

    God wants to do the same thing in your life, friend. You can trust Him.

    Praying for you tonight.
    Carrie, with the LYWB team
    @Em
    on Thursday, June 14, 2012 at 8:19 pm
    I’m so sorry your sisters have suffered so, Em. Abusing another person is always wrong and grieves the heart of our God.


    When those we love have been abused it is natural to experience a myriad of emotions – anger, confusion, sadness, disgust etc. Talking through these feelings will be helpful as you work through the trauma your family has gone through, Em. Is there a pastor, youth pastor or trained counselor you could talk and pray with in your church?

    You’ll find a list of questions in my response to Heather that will help you evaluate whether you’ve forgiven your grandfather, Em, but at this point, blessing your grandfather may simply mean praying for him. There is no greater tool of healing than praying for those who have offended us or those we love.

    If you’d like a copy of the booklet that helps walk you through the steps of forgiveness you may email me at info@reviveourhearts.com

    I’m praying for your family tonight, friend.
    Carrie, with the LYWB team
    @Nono<3
    on Thursday, June 14, 2012 at 8:27 pm
    You are so right, my friend. Forgiveness is always costly. Our forgiveness cost Jesus His life and the forgiveness we extend to others means agreeing to live with the consequences of their sin. Forgiveness is always costly. But the reality is that we will live with the consequences of sin committed against us whether we want to or not; our only choice is whether we will do so in bitterness and unforgiveness or in the freedom forgiveness brings.

    The questions I included for Heather will be helpful for you as well, friend. Just let me know if you’d like to receive a copy of the booklet Freedom Through Forgiveness ( info@reviveourhearts.com).

    Blessings to you this evening ~
    Hannah
    Dads
    on Thursday, June 14, 2012 at 9:27 pm
    I enjoyed reading this blog post-a lot! I have been very, very blessed to have an amazing dad in my life who is always here for me. I am praying for you who do not have a father by your side; remember that your Heavenly Father will ALWAYS be with you.
    Heather
    Re:
    on Friday, June 15, 2012 at 12:31 am
    Thank you, Carrie, for praying for me =) I can't receive mail like that, though. If someone in my family found out that booklet in the mailbox before I could get it first, I'd be in big trouble. Thank you, though!
    Christina
    Sinners
    on Friday, June 15, 2012 at 9:16 pm
    We all sinners, i forgive those who do wrong to me. Ok, so dads aren't perfect. They aren't the superhero we would like them to be, but isn't it correct that superheroes aren't exactly perfect either? I forgive my dad, i just have to make the effort to show him that
    Mattea
    I forgave :) :)!!
    on Monday, June 18, 2012 at 6:45 am
    I already shared how my dad went to jail when I as eight but now is back home.Yesterday I was really able to truly forgive him and I wrote him his "tribute" on a letter for Father's Day and he said thank you ..I don't deserve this:) thanks for praying for me LYWB team!
    Mattea
    P.S.........
    on Monday, June 18, 2012 at 6:51 am
    P.S ...I also got up early on Father's Day and baked my dad homemade chocolate chip muffins and cinnamon rolls from scratch..I've forgiven only by God's grace!!!! :)
    Sarah, with the LYWB team
    @Mattea...
    on Monday, June 18, 2012 at 10:24 pm
    You indeed, sweet girl, have been the light of Christ in your home this weekend! We are SO proud of you! It was our pleasure to pray for you!!! And I pray even now, the actions you have shown your dad will be a catalyst of deep love and obedience in your home.

    May the grace and peace of Christ be multiplied to you! You have honored the Lord by being a picture of Him and His grace! You are right; forgiveness is by God's grace! Praise be to Him!
    Rachel
    Re:
    on Wednesday, June 20, 2012 at 12:09 pm
    Thank you guys so much for the encouraging words. I'm beginning the process of forgiving him and putting the past behind us. :)
    Allie
    @Lorree from the LYWB
    on Thursday, June 21, 2012 at 4:04 pm
    I know you guys aren't trained counselors, but I do admire you for giving your best opinion on a tough situation! I didn't mean to come across as harsh, but I've known of some very toxic relationships, so yeah. I really do agree with most of it, but I just wanted to give my opinion. Thank you for letting me share!
    Lorree, with the LYWB team
    Allie
    on Monday, June 25, 2012 at 5:06 pm
    Thank you for your kind words and your understanding heart, Allie. You are always more than welcome to share your thoughts and opinions with us!

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