Should I leave?

posted by Paula Hendricks on 10/13/09 | Twitter: @PaulaWrites678
Category: Relationships; ; 10 comments

Come on. Admit it. You've looked over someone's shoulder or thrown a furtive glance at their computer screen. Well, today I invite you to read an email Nancy wrote to a friend considering leaving her church. goodbye

Nancy has chosen to share this letter because whether or not you're currently disheartened with your church leadership, at some point in your life you'll be tempted to criticize their decisions. When that time comes, this should help:

Dear Friend,
I was saddened to hear about the situation in your church. As I read your message the passage that came immediately to mind was Psalm 118:8–9. Your experience just confirms that the Lord is the only secure object for our trust. People will and do fail us; even the finest Christians and Christian leaders, ourselves included, have feet of clay. We are imperfect people living in an imperfect world, and we have to respond to imperfect situations with humility, grace, compassion, and wisdom. Unfortunately, if you live long enough there's no way to avoid the kinds of situations that you're struggling with. The challenge is to learn how to respond to those situations without sinning ourselves.

Your situation is of particular interest to me at the moment because I am developing a new series for Revive Our Hearts on our biblical responsibilities toward those in positions of spiritual leadership, so I have been doing a lot of thinking about these kinds of issues. The Lord will have to direct you as to whether you stay at your church. As you think and pray it through, remember that you will never find a church or a church leadership without flaws.

Regardless of whether you stay or leave, I would encourage you to pray for your pastors and the whole team there at your church. I know enough about Pastor _____ to know that he takes the Lord seriously and wants to be the man and the pastor God wants him to be. Through your prayers you can be a part of the sanctification process in the lives of these leaders. You can help him become more of the man of God that God wants him to be by your prayers, which will be of infinitely more value than your criticism.

Whether the Lord leads you to stay or leave, ask God to guide your heart and your tongue so you don't develop a hard or bitter spirit and so you don't become an instrument of criticism or division in the church. Hard as it may be, ask God to help you focus on and express gratitude for the many praiseworthy qualities that I'm sure exist in these men and in the church. Ultimately, here's something else that's important to remember: God doesn't hold you responsible for what those men do, but only for how you respond to what they do.

Finally, when you feel discouraged or disillusioned about the condition of a particular church or the church in general, I'd encourage you to go back to the Word and rehearse God's plan and God's love for His church. I find that it helps to keep my eyes on the end of the story; the final outcome of the church is that she will be a beautiful bride without spot or blemish or any such thing. Like it or not, the church, warts and all, is crucial to you and me becoming all God intended us to be.

Praying for you,
Nancy

What do you think? Have you struggled with criticizing your church leaders?

I encourage you to meditate on these two verses from 1 Thessalonians 5: "We ask you, brothers, to respect those who labor among you and are over you in the Lord and admonish you, and to esteem them very highly in love because of their work. Be at peace among yourselves" (vv. 12–13).

Comments

HEY, GIRLS! We love hearing from you, but feel limited in the ways we can help. For one thing, we’re not trained counselors. If you’re seeking counsel, we encourage you to talk to your pastor or a godly woman in your life as they’ll know more details and can provide you with ongoing accountability and help. Also, the following comments do not necessarily reflect the views of Revive Our Hearts. We reserve the right to remove comments which might be unhelpful, unsuitable, or inappropriate.

    Truth Seeker
    Criticism
    on Tuesday, October 13, 2009 at 1:34 am
    It is definitely easier to criticize the offender rather than immediately bring the hurt to God in prayer. Criticizing is, unfortunately, one of my greatest weaknesses; I struggle to understand why everyone fails to see the world exactly the way I do! Oh how limited my perception! Thank you for the reminder to pray for rather than criticize those in authority.
    Sarah Paige
    Leaders
    on Tuesday, October 13, 2009 at 9:57 am
    Last year I was struggling with weather or not to leave my youth group and join that of another church. I had a hard time with letting my youth pastor being in control, and I felt like I was just going to hang with my girlfriends, not to connect to God. Well, my church built a community center-like building this summer, so we have been out there for youth group. A lot of things were changed as a result of us moving out to the Plex (that's the "community center"). I have more fun at youth group because of those changes, so I believe that God is telling me to stay put. It's still a challenge sometimes, but it's much better than last year!=)
    Tori
    Thanks!
    on Tuesday, October 13, 2009 at 11:56 am
    Thanks so much for this post! I haven't been doing a very good job of praying for my leaders instead I have let myself get upset with my church leaders. This was really encouraging! Thanks again!
    -Tori
    M.C. in D.C.
    Good to remember.
    on Tuesday, October 13, 2009 at 3:27 pm
    This is good to remember for me personally not to become bitter towards certain churches. This has been particularly difficult this summer at my friend's youth group because her youth pastor was actually arrested. I visit all the time, and when I do I go to that church, and I know the main pastor and his family and they are such good people, but I feel bad that some people will leave just because of what this one guy did.

    So, this is just good to remember, because I know I can lose sight of this.
    Ali Thomason
    HELP
    on Tuesday, October 13, 2009 at 5:46 pm
    hi. ok this letter is more for my friend than me, but its very important.
    ok so i visited another church in a difff town a few years ago and met some other christian teens. it seemed great. i even went to camp with them 2 summers ago. anyways it turns out that one of the girls had beem gossiping and talking about me since day one! sometimes in front of me and she didnt think i heard her (buttt oooh boy i did!) she was and is a jerk. she tells ppl she is a christian but she treats people like they have to folllow her and not following her is 'simply unheard of'"
    i am not over-exaggerating when i say she is pure evil. my own mom has trouble keeping quiet around this girl, and its hard for her to not yell at her and ask her what her problem is and why she treats me this way.
    anyway lately her and my bff stephanie (who also attends that church) have not been getting along. stephanie has finally realized that a true friend wont treat her the way that girl treats her, and im very happy. but stephanie is considering switching churches because of this girl!!!! once again im not joking,that church has been torn apart by that girl. ONE GIRL! its insane how she manipulates people, anyways,
    do you have any advice for me, or even my friend??
    Andrea Wulf
    Youth Pastor
    on Tuesday, October 13, 2009 at 6:46 pm
    I had this youth pastor in my other church who everyone knew that he wasn't a guy to be put in that position but i prayed that i would just try to get something out of the message and try to not think about the bad leadership and trying to be a good leader to the other youth and it helped out a lot
    Rachel
    preacher's kid
    on Tuesday, October 13, 2009 at 10:15 pm
    Well, I'm a preacher's kid. Most of the time I love it. I love serving in church ministries and helping my dad out and stuff like that. But just recently my family experienced the ugly side of being a pastor's family. Some people in the church we were in at the time really started to criticize some decisions my dad was making. I can honestly day that my dad was making these decisions with the church's best interest at heart and really seeking the Lord about those decisons. Of course I understand that people have the right to their own opinion, and it's not really the fact that they disagreed with my dad that bothered me. What really bothered me is that some people, instead of going to my dad about the issues they had, just began to gossip about it amongst themselves. OUCH. It really hurt to know that my dad was being gossiped about and criticized. It got to the point where ti seemed like my family couldn't do anything without being scrutinized. but God is good and the situation ended up being resolved for the most part. Anyways,I say all that to say this : if you have a problem with something your church leadership is doing, TALK TO THEM ABOUT IT. Sitting around criticizing accomplishes absoluetly nothing.
    MC
    Troubled about church
    on Wednesday, October 14, 2009 at 2:48 pm
    I seriously thought and prayed about leaving my church this past summer. After much prayer and godly council (not gossip-I consulted godly people who were not involved with my church for advice and prayer) I came to understand that God was not leading me to leave. I have stayed, remained faithful and supportive. I am still concerned about the same issues, but determined that if God led me to this church (which I believe He did) than I would stay here until I was sure He was leading me to another church. If you stay, remain supportive, pray for your pastors and other church leaders and get involved in the ministry of your church. Don't just attend... volunteer... keep the nursery, show up for visitation, go on a mission trip. You may get a different perspective on your church's issues if you're "in the trenches" working. If an issue must be addressed make sure you prepare with much much prayer and scripture reading. (leave personal preferences and opinions at home!)
    Youth, a youth group should challenge you spiritually-not socially. The youth pastor and youth leaders should be passionate about Jesus Christ and making Him know to the world. Then invite your friends to come to your group where they can grow spiritually. There will always be some teenage girl or guy who gossips and starts cliques - pray for them and be nice... patient, realizing they may not know Christ. At least they are not living to please Him. Don't get sucked into their trap and don't try to destroy them... do what is right and pleasing to God and good for the testimony of your group. As you grow you realize that you can't change anybody, but God can change their heart... so pray!
    Paula Hendricks
    To Ali
    on Wednesday, October 21, 2009 at 2:55 pm
    Dear Ali,

    I’m sorry you and your friend are in a hard spot as a result of this girl’s words.

    God calls gossip sin for many of the reasons you've described. It brings division and conflict in relationships, and most importantly, it grieves the heart of God that His people would destroy each other with their tongues. “Gossip is no good! It causes hard feelings and comes between friends” (Prov.16:28 CEV).

    Your friend needs to approach a leader in her church (pastor, youth pastor, or elder) and let them know what is taking place. They can help her work through the proper way to address the situation.

    The important thing for both you and your friend to remember, Ali, is that you can’t change this girl. Only God can do that. God will never hold you accountable for her actions. But you are accountable to God for how you respond to her.

    Consider how Jesus responded to those who slandered and gossiped about Him. “When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly” ( 1 Peter 2:23).

    Can you do the same, Ali? Can you trust that although this is terribly hurtful, God often uses difficult people to teach us how to love as Christ loves?

    Take time to read Romans 12:14-21; it gives practical ways you can respond to your enemies.

    God’s allowing you to walk through a difficult situation, Ali. He wants to use it to grow your dependence on Him. Ask Him to help you respond with Christ’s love to this girl!

    Rooting for you,

    paula
    Jana
    Any Advice?
    on Saturday, December 5, 2009 at 11:50 pm
    So this isn't exactly related because it isn't about the leadership in the church, but I wasn't sure where else to ask it. I feel like I should know the answer here too, but for some reason I don't. Sorry!
    I've been going to a youth group because I want to help and have a ministry output. I've been well and accepted and I love being there, but there's this one guy that kinda scares me. Since I met him, I've felt very uneasy about him, and he's always been super flirtatious. One time he grabbed my arm and pulled me into a closed room, claiming to need my help. He proceeded to sit down on a couch and just talk. I stayed standing away from him, and a couple minutes later someone walked in and gave me something to do. Lately he's been coming up next to me and making all kinds of comments. He also straight out admitted to my face that he's hitting on me. I feel like I should confront him on it, and if he doesn't stop then take it to my youth pastor. I think he's a lot of talk but I don't trust that's all he is. The only problem is that i don't want to get him in trouble or cause a rift between anyone in the church. I'm just getting plugged in really well there. Should I back out now? Or should I just ignore him and not say anything about it?

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