What about the root of insecurity and perfectionism? We may know it's wrong in theory, but how do we get rid of the heart of insecurity? "/>

Poker Face

posted by Hannah Farver on 09/13/10
Category: Myself; ; 30 comments

woman and maskDo you have a poker face? You know what I'm talking about—you hide yourself from other people. You watch what you say and how you behave, not necessarily because you want to do the right thing, but you want to control how people view you. 

I suspect that, as humans, we naturally want "poker faces." We all want to be impossible to hurt. We don't want to admit that we're imperfect or vulnerable in any way.

For some of us, this translates to perfectionism. I have a friend who has spent hours writing "perfect" emails to friends and way too much time coming up with the perfect tweet. (Yes, you guessed it ... that person is me.)

For others, this poker face (or mask) shows itself as extreme insecurity. I know many people who struggle with shyness—not necessarily because they're naturally reserved but because they fear what people will think of their true selves.

C.S. Lewis countered this perfectionism in a famous quote, where he wrote:

"If you want to make sure of keeping it in intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little ... luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket—safe, dark, motionless, airless—it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable."

Keep your heart from other people, and you will slowly die inside.

But what about the root of insecurity and perfectionism? We may know it's wrong in theory, but how do we get rid of the heart of insecurity?

Know that God loves you. Yes, you might've seen that one coming, but that doesn't make it any less true. Ask God to help the truth permeate your being: He loves you. You. Though God is intent on changing all of us and "growing us up" in Christ, let this sink in: He loves you, just as you are. Even if you were to die right now and never "grow up in Him," He would still love you. Even if you never changed, you would be His love.

Ask God to humble you. This has been a huge blessing for me and has greatly helped me fight the areas of insecurity in my life. Living humbly means knowing that God is great and the rest of us are just His creatures. Being His is an incredible honor, but it also puts us in our place. It says that we are lowly and only knowing Him (NOT being popular, looking pretty, dressing nice, making funny jokes) will satisfy the hunger in our hearts.

Only when we understand this can we begin to lose our poker faces.

Comments

HEY, GIRLS! We love hearing from you, but feel limited in the ways we can help. For one thing, we’re not trained counselors. If you’re seeking counsel, we encourage you to talk to your pastor or a godly woman in your life as they’ll know more details and can provide you with ongoing accountability and help. Also, the following comments do not necessarily reflect the views of Revive Our Hearts. We reserve the right to remove comments which might be unhelpful, unsuitable, or inappropriate.

    Ashley
    Re:
    on Monday, September 13, 2010 at 10:11 am
    Thank-you for touching my heart.
    Lexy
    Re:
    on Monday, September 13, 2010 at 10:12 am
    This couldn't have come at a better time! With school going on, around certain people, I become shy because I don't want to say anything dumb or anything. I'm much more aware of what I say and the things I do. I definitely use that insecure poker face mask.

    Thank you once again for posting this. I also have a lot of respect for C.S. Lewis and have been quoting him a lot lately. :)
    Shelby
    WOW
    on Monday, September 13, 2010 at 10:15 am
    wow that is soooo true!!Great post Hannah
    Elizabeth
    Re:
    on Monday, September 13, 2010 at 2:36 pm
    thanks...i love that quote!
    its often really hard for me too open up and really be myself with people and share personal things...
    I am always wondering how other people view me and worrying about whether or not i am "cool" even with Christian friends...
    I am so sick of wearing masks, and trying to lie about who i really am..i am praying that God will change me and give me a brand new heart...there is a switchfoot song that i really like and the last verse goes like this

    I want to lose myself for good
    I want to find it in the end
    Not in me,
    In You...

    Thats what i really want!

    Oh and by the way can someone recommend any other websites like this, like a Christian teen website with articles and blogs?
    God bless
    Caity
    Re:
    on Monday, September 13, 2010 at 3:33 pm
    i got hurt by a guy pretty recently and i've been thinking about trying not to let anyone ever see what i really feel... i guess i've become a better actor than i thought cuz none of my friends can tell when i'm upset anymore... i really needed this... thank you!
    Allison
    Re:
    on Monday, September 13, 2010 at 5:36 pm
    Wow. This is so true. I often find myself hiding behind a mask, and everything you said has really touched me. Thank you for this :)
    @Elizabeth: http://www.christianitytoday.com/iyf/, http://www.girltalkhome.com/,
    http://www.yausa.com/forums/, http://beauty-from-the-heart.blogspot.com/,
    http://abeautyglorious.blogspot.com/
    are all very good
    Kathy Annie
    so awesome- thanks!
    on Monday, September 13, 2010 at 5:51 pm
    thank you for your post today! the struggle of being perfect was a biggie for me throughout most of high school. I was afraid of who I would become if I didn't try to be "perfect" or what people's reaction would be if I spoke up! So, sadly, I ended up hiding through my high school days... BUT! I thank the Lord with a whole heart that He has given me freedom and peace to this day to live without the burden of being perfect...now I can just be me! aka: God's girlie! :) lol Praise the Lord.
    After God's Own Heart
    Thanks Much
    on Monday, September 13, 2010 at 6:05 pm
    Thank-you so much for this post, Erin. As I make new friends, this is a great reminder to "just be me". :)
    Daniela Yocopis
    thank you
    on Monday, September 13, 2010 at 7:35 pm
    Thank you for helping me realize that I need to stop having a poker face. This website has changed my life, and helped me grow clsoer to God. Thank you.
    Pink&Blonde&Blonde
    Re:
    on Tuesday, September 14, 2010 at 6:23 am
    I love that quote now!! I've never heard it before! I love reading good quotes! This is a very good post Hannah!! Lol my sister's name is Hanna :)
    Amanda
    I'm quite the perfectionist...
    on Tuesday, September 14, 2010 at 10:18 pm
    but realize I strive for perfection because I 'believe' it will make me feel worth something. Oh! What a fool I am. God has begun a good work in me and will continue it as He has promised. (Phil. 1:6) I am being perfected all the time. But the only true source of perfection is found in the One and Only Jesus Christ!!!! Praise God for His Son who sets us free!!!! & Lets me believe it is ok not to be perfect!!!!!
    Libs
    Gen. 1:27
    on Wednesday, September 15, 2010 at 9:55 am
    being made in the image of God - gives me value & worth I would never feel simply out of this world. this makes me realize I need to praise Him & be like Him - cause I already am - just by being His living, valuable creation. Wow!
    Anonymous
    Shyness
    on Wednesday, September 15, 2010 at 2:50 pm
    i am very shy around any body but my family,and even them i am still shy.i don't talk much because i am afraid of saying somthing stupid and people will think i am weird or not smart.but this has helped me so much I have started talking more to people and they talk to me more,my relationships have gotten stronger as well :) THANK YOU !!!!!! (P.S. i am gunna be at true woman Indy:) can't wait
    Gods Jewel
    Great blog
    on Wednesday, September 15, 2010 at 7:56 pm
    Thanks for touching my heart. I can get very shy in school and sometimes think i will say something wrong!!
    Amanda Libs :)
    Read Ps. 111
    on Thursday, September 16, 2010 at 9:58 am
    Saw God more clearly this morning in Quiet Time as I read this passage. I Praised God for each aspect of who He is and what He has done this morning even and I saw in the verse that refers to His holiness near the end of the chapter that His perfection is enough. I am now saying - Buh-bye to the desire of perfection that so easily holds me back/down.
    LindseyV
    :-S
    on Thursday, September 16, 2010 at 6:05 pm
    I feel like my heart is already half dead...
    I've been so isolated.
    Chloe
    the true me that I'm finding
    on Saturday, September 18, 2010 at 1:16 am
    When I was in middle school I went through a period of time where I tried to be who I thought my friends wanted me to be, actually, it was more then just a time period. It lasted through my 6 and 7th grade years of middle school and nearly all of my 8th. I remember right after Christmas Break of my 8th grade year I realized that my friend's don't want me to be any certain someone, they just want me to be me. I still struggle with my self-confidence every day almost and I'm still trying to figure who I am for the most part. I've managed to figure out what music I truly like, who my true friends are, what clothes are my style, and what I like to do on the weekends. It may seem like I've started myself over completely, and in a way, I have. I still have lots to learn about who I really am, I sometimes feel very insecure and I feel like I'm weird or I'm not who I'm supposed to be. But what I'm slowly starting to realize is that I don't need to please anyone by trying to be someone, I just need to be Chloe and not be anyone else or try to be like anyone else. You may be asking why I chose to write about this and I decided to because I want to let you all know that no matter how confused you feel there's always a way out. And anybody who has any advice for me on what I should do next with finding myself is more then welcome to share, I need all the advice I can get.
    Megan
    anonymous
    on Saturday, September 18, 2010 at 1:27 pm
    Hey girl! I just wanted to say that you sound like a very sweet person! I want you to know that God created you as you are, you are fearfully and wonderfully made. You never have to be afraid that people will be disappointed with who you are because God created to you- let his glory shine through you!
    Anna
    Complete Opposite
    on Saturday, September 18, 2010 at 9:26 pm
    i totally agree with this post, but i have a completely opposite mask. Instead of hiding or being shy i become obnoxious, loud, and sometimes stupid. I have been called blond, ditsy, and all other mean names. I know its because im insecure i just dont know how to change. The only way i know of is loud and annoying. Most of my friends tell me that im different at school or around boys then i am at home or when its just us. And some of my friends tell me that im getting more annoying. Everyone else says there afraid of saying something stupid, but i feel like all i ever say is stupid things and i get attention. Granted its not the attention i want or deserve but its the name i have made for myself. And now starting high school i wanted to change but ive just been worse. I'd love to hear some advice because im not at my strongest walk with the Lord and i am struggling. Thank you(:
    Erin Davis
    LindseyV
    on Sunday, September 19, 2010 at 3:54 pm
    Is there a Christian woman you can talk to about how you are feeling?

    Erin
    LindseyV
    Re: Erin
    on Monday, September 20, 2010 at 1:10 pm
    If I tell my mom, she'll just get upset because she can't fix it. Dad is not an option. Church feels icy cold and I don't know anyone well enough to talk to. I am too old for the high school group(and they weren't exactly welcoming either) and the college group has leaders with wacky theology and my sister won't go there, so I would feel weird going myself. I miss my old church....
    I think God is purposely isolating me to make me learn to lean on Him more. I've been trying to talk to God more lately and that helps. He's the only One really who can revive me anyway. I also have been teaching Sunday school for 9-12 year old kids and I think that helps too.
    I get really annoyed when people are always saying "community! community community!!!" I can't do community right now!!! Yet I desperately want to...
    Erin Davis
    LindseyV
    on Monday, September 27, 2010 at 5:46 pm
    Your comment sent up some red flags in my heart. I think that isolation is rarely a wise choice, especially when we are struggling. It sounds to me like you are making excuses why you can't reach out and then feeling resentful because you are isolated.

    I'm not sure why your mom trying to fix things is a bad thing. You need help to get out of the pit you're in.

    I know that talking about the hard stuff is scary, but consider the alternative--continuing to feel the way you are now. So...who can you tell?

    Erin
    LindseyV
    Re: Erin
    on Tuesday, September 28, 2010 at 4:11 pm
    Ouchie.

    You're probably right. I'm probably resentful. I just get so emotionally tired of it all. We kinda stopped people for about 6 or so years when we lived in NZ, because the people were downright nasty(well, the parents were at least)and I lost my best friend. We moved back to the US, moved to CR last year and have been trying to get back into church and stuff only in the last year or two. I wish for people and friends but I have a hard time with them and so does my sis. It makes me tired. And it always takes a dreadfully long time to get to know anyone. We feel unsocialized...
    Something weird...I talked to my mom a bit last night before I even read this comment(just curious - did you pray that I would talk to someone?). It wasn't too bad. Even she's a little at a loss of what to do. She agrees that the college group is probably not good, so she said she'd be on the lookout for maybe other women's groups. She said don't discount older people.
    Britny
    Hypocrite
    on Wednesday, October 6, 2010 at 3:41 pm
    I just got done reading the "It's OK to be one person at home and church but a different when ur with people like you"
    We all want to stay true to GODs word but we all want to fit in.... I guess sometimes its just hard to be urself when you don't know who the real you really is???
    Britny
    Aristotle
    on Wednesday, October 6, 2010 at 3:45 pm
    “Wishing to be friends is a quick work, but friendship is a slow ripening fruit”
    Aristotle
    This is so true... Y look for frinds wen they come to you????
    Britny
    Lywb
    on Wednesday, October 6, 2010 at 3:49 pm
    This book is now one of my top 3 books... I LOVE this book.... I cant believe that not one of my fellow class mates have read this book amazing!!!!!!
    How many AGREE with me????
    Carrie
    Re:
    on Friday, October 8, 2010 at 3:52 pm
    Britny you r so right how can we be our self wen we dont know who the real us is???? I agree with you!!!!
    Biang
    Re: Caity
    on Wednesday, October 13, 2010 at 10:52 am
    Hey Caity,
    wow your little story sounds like mine. Maybe that's why when I'm around my friends, I've become too nice that they don't recognize my true feelings, so it's like I let them hurt me, because I don't show my true feelings. that all happened when I was with a guy before, and I just started hanging out with my friends again, inside I was dying, to them on the outside I was completely ok.

    By the way this is so touching, I never knew what I was doing was wrong, seems like it is all my fault for being angry at my friends who to me seemed insensitive, turns out its just me and I need God to help me fix it!
    Anonymous
    thank you so much
    on Tuesday, May 31, 2011 at 3:39 pm
    that was really touching. its hard to understand that God loves us unconditionally and i really struggle with that sometimes.
    loan
    Re:
    on Saturday, December 29, 2012 at 2:00 pm
    People all over the world get the credit loans "goodfinance-blog.com" from different creditors, just because it is simple and comfortable.

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