The Bare Facts: How Far Is Too Far?

Erin Davis 11/16/11 | Twitter: @ErinGraffiti
Category: Relationships ; 49 comments

Wow! Almost one hundred of you responded to our post last week where we asked for your questions about sex. (And five lucky readers won a free copy of The Bare Facts by Josh McDowell and yours truly). If you missed it, you can check it out here. We are going to be tackling your honest and thoughtful questions about this delicate subject over the next several weeks.

Today I want to answer an important question posed by Caroline. She asked two great questions about sex, one focused on boundaries outside of marriage and one about boundaries police lineinside of marriage. I'm going to respond to her first question in today's post.

Caroline wrote, "My question is how far is too far outside of marriage to go with a boyfriend? ... I know a lot of Christian girls that think it is okay to do everything except having actual sex with your boyfriend. And I know a lot of girls that they will only kiss their boyfriends.... So as Christian women, where do we draw the line with boyfriends?"

Simply put, Caroline wants to know "How far is too far?" It's an important question.

Here's what we wrote about it in The Bare Facts:

Have you ever thought purity would be a lot easier to attain if the Bible clearly said, "Here is exactly how far you can go physically and remain pure"? Does it seem that if God drew a hard line in the sand, it would make it easier for you to know how to behave?

Hard and fast rules may seem like a good idea when it comes to physical activity, but I'm not convinced they would solve our temptation issues. If God drew an exact line dividing acceptable physical contact from the unacceptable, everyone would race right to that line and then push it "just a little bit" farther. It is our human nature to sin and to push back against authority. If the Bible gave us a bunch of rules, many would find a way around those rules. In His wisdom, God didn't just list a bunch of rules for physical behavior before marriage in His Word. He did something better by giving us principles in His Word that we can apply to our relationships.

Consider these principles as checkpoints on the path to purity. If your values and the level of your physical activity in your dating relationships allow you to stick to these principles, you have strong boundaries in place. If, on the other hand, the level of physical contact in your relationship violates even one of these principles, pull back and reevaluate your boundaries.

Here's a crash course in the three principles we presented in the book.

The "Whatever" Principle
Philippians 4:8 says, "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things."

The question you should be asking is not, "How far can we go without getting into trouble?" but, "What can we do to think about things that are pure and honorable?"

The "No Hinting" Principle
Ephesians 5:3 says, "But among you there must be not even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people."

God's Word doesn't suggest that we get as close to the line of sexual sin as possible. Quite the opposite: this passage tells us not to even hint at sexual sin.

The Principle of the "Unlit Fire"
If purity is your goal, make a commitment never to cause another person to want to go all the way. At all times consider whether your actions might cause your partner to want to become more physically involved. That includes what you see on dates (movies, videos, TV shows), what you do when you're together, how you relate to each other, how you touch ... everything you do!

Don't ignite a fire in your boyfriend with the way that you behave.

All three of these principles have a common theme. Instead of thinking, "How far can I go?", the Bible teaches us to ask, "How much can I save for my future spouse and preserve in order to experience God's best?"


HEY, GIRLS! We love hearing from you, but feel limited in the ways we can help. For one thing, we’re not trained counselors. If you’re seeking counsel, we encourage you to talk to your pastor or a godly woman in your life as they’ll know more details and can provide you with ongoing accountability and help. Also, the following comments do not necessarily reflect the views of Revive Our Hearts. We reserve the right to remove comments which might be unhelpful, unsuitable, or inappropriate.

    The real question
    on Wednesday, November 16, 2011 at 3:07 am
    I have been watching Andy Stanley's series "The Best Question Ever", and in it he speaks on this issue. His statement is that if you have to ask "How far is too far?", you are going too far. Rather you should be asking, "What is the wise thing for me to do? What is the safest choice I can make? How far back can my boundaries go?" He admonishes teens that they should set their boundaries so far back that if the boundary is compromised even in the least, there are no real consequences. For instance, a friend of mine won't even hug any guys. That is the boundary she has set. At graduation, a guy friend unexpectedly gave her a hug. There were no real consequences to that because there was nothing wrong about the hug. However, even something like that made her feel uncomfortable and reassured her that her boundary lines were set far enough back as to be totally safe. This friend is absolutely precious and full of beautiful innocence that her future husband will treasure.
    I totally agree!
    on Wednesday, November 16, 2011 at 3:46 am
    I totally agree with all of this! My boyfriend and I have gone a bit too far but God has put a supernatural strength in both of us. My boyfriend is really leading me down the path of purity as Christ leads the Church. My boyfriend always reminds me of our goal and whenever we might be tempted, he makes sure everything will be fine. I have learned to do the same, of course. I just love how he has dealt with it, especially since he's a new believer.
    on Wednesday, November 16, 2011 at 7:55 am
    My pastor wrote a book about purity. In one of the chapters he mentioned 1 Timothy 5:1-2 and the part he focused on was "... Treat younger men as brothers... And younger women as sisters, with absolute purity." His point was that whatever our relationship may be to a boy before marriage we need to treat him as we would a brother. Because in reality that boy should be our brother in Christ. And truth be told we would not do anything impure towards our brother.
    He also stressed that marriage does not start until the vows are given. My pastor does a lot of marriage councling and he always tells my youth group that he has never met a married couple that wishes they has been more physical with each other before they got married.
    I hope you all find this convicting/encouraging! It's so important for us to stay pure in the relationships that we have with boys!
    Help Please? Confusion?
    on Wednesday, November 16, 2011 at 7:58 am
    This was a wonderful post, I just had a few questions and I hope you don't mind..:) see....I know this guy who is like 16 and he used to be homeschooled like me his whole life(this year he is going to public school) and he has said like hi or bye a few times and noticed me......he is one of the only guys who has ever done that to me, so I think that it why I feel drawn to him and I keep wanting to talk to him even though I know it is probably not a wise choice considering he doesn't do the best things.....well I don't know, like he gets piercings and stuff but he is nice. BUT, he has lots of other friends who are girls..and I also heard he has a I knew the best choice (even though I don't want to because for some reason I like the tiny bit if attention I get from the only guy who even just says hi or bye while I am passing by) is to not chat him anymore.....but for some reason I want to. And I know that isn't right but I am not sure and I also CANNOT get him off my mind. :\ It's ridiculous. Like, I don't even like him.......but I just can't stop thinking about him. Ugh, please help. Any advice?
    on Wednesday, November 16, 2011 at 10:58 am
    Dearest Becca, I know exactly where you are because I was there once as well. I had this guy that paid attention to me. I knew he was no good. Sure, he was sweet, but his life didn't reflect the gospel and his knowledge of the Bible left much to be desired. Nevertheless, I still hung around him and flirted because I enjoyed the attention and was flattered that he would "pick me" to talk to.
    I let my heart go, I didn't guard it... and I made ever so many excuses for him (and for myself). And then, he broke that heart. When I found out he had gotten another girl pregnant, my eyes were opened to just the kind of guy he really was. Sure, he had a "nice" side, but when it came down to it, he completely disregarded God's direction in his life and that wasn't ever the kind of guy that I wanted in my future.
    And, to be honest, I still regret that decision to let him get into my heart. I regret allowing my mind to dwell on him and not seeing who he really was behind the supposed sweetness. I ask myself, "Was I honestly THAT desperate for attention from a guy that I would be sidetracked by the first guy that said something nice to me?" and the truth is, I was.
    And so, please, please, please, please, for your own sake, don't allow this guy to get at you're heart. You're better than that, Becca. I know I don't know you, but you know in your heart that talking to him and returning the attention isn't the best choice. You said so yourself.
    But how do you get him off of your mind? Well, girl, that's hard. But think of it this way. He isn't the kind of guy that you want to marry. You want someone who will lead you spiritually, who will be a great example to others, who has eyes for you and you only, not flirting with you and every other girl. So realize that this is the kind of guy that you don't want in your future and then think of the kind of guy that you do want. Are you setting yourself up for regret? How would you feel to tell your future husband about this situation? Would you want to distract yourself with such an unworthy mate when you're saving yourself for a worthy one?
    You will have to begin to MAKE yourself not think of him. and it won't be easy. Every time you catch yourself thinking about him, stop and pray. Allow God to help you. And keep in mind that you are saving your whole heart for the man of your dreams.... and this isn't him.
    Praying for you, girl! If you have any questions, just ask me and I'll try to answer them as best I can! You can do this, Becca! Don't get yourself into a situation you will later regret.
    Love in Christ,
    on Wednesday, November 16, 2011 at 12:03 pm
    I really felt like you were talking about me when you spoke of your friend who wouldn't even hug guys. You see, I don't believe in hugging guys either. Or holding hands ( I hardly even do it with my girl friends), or any kind of physical contact. I believe I should save all that for my marriage and I know my husband will be so pleased to know this.

    There was this guy once who would hug people he knew "bye", and "hello". Well, when they did this I always backed off to avoid getting involved. He would urge me to hug but I held back each time. When he went off to college, he visited our Church and said goodbye. Well, he wanted to hug everybody and I did what I always do...avoided it...or at least I tried. He finally got a hug out of me, but ever since, I've felt so bad that I did it. It was nothing to him, but to's the same as kissing or holding hands with a guy, or putting arms around each other. It was so wrong in my mind. I'll never let anyone make me do it again...ever.
    Some of you might think I'm making a big fuss about nothing, but you have to look at it the way I do to understand.
    Guys do think of it as a light thing to do all this. But they also value girls who won't do these things, who abstain from physical impurity.
    Look at it this way. God says in 1 John 3:15 that anyone who hates his brother is a murderer. He also says that anyone who looks on a woman to lust after her hath comitted adultery with her in his heart. I look at physical purity like God looks at mental (mind) purity.
    Hugging to me is like anything impure. It's wrong.
    Girls, try to keep from doing these things in the future.

    Thank you for the post!
    God bless!

    -Serving Him
    a good book to read
    on Wednesday, November 16, 2011 at 12:05 pm
    I probably shouldn't be talking about books from another ministry, but, I highly recommend a book by Debi Pearl called, Preparing To Be a Help Meet. You can find it on!

    God bless!

    on Wednesday, November 16, 2011 at 1:27 pm
    hey Becca, Im homeschooled too! and that guy that you were drawn to just because he he was the only one to pay attention? the excact same thing happened to me! theres this kid that goes to my church (and my family has gone to this church as long as i can remember, so ive known him my entire life) that is funny and cute, and when i was 12-13, I devoloped a crush on him. after a while, I felt God had put him on my heart to pray for him, because I was alwaya worried about him and stressing out. he's the kind of guy who puts on his 'good face' when he's at church or youth group... and it took me a long ime to even figure that out. But anyway, I dont like him like that anymore. He's just a brother to me. I guess what im trying to say is I started praying for him whenever i thought about him, giving him to the Lord, (still do actually) and my crush just sort of died out. Idk if this helpful at all, but I wanted to you know Ive been there too.
    Gods Jewel
    on Wednesday, November 16, 2011 at 2:13 pm
    I am the same hugs at all, and defiantly no holding hands..
    loved reading this post..
    will be praying for you Becca!
    Lorree, with the LYWB team
    re: Becca
    on Wednesday, November 16, 2011 at 2:26 pm
    RachelAllison and Emily have given you some great advice! Prayer is a wonderful way to capture your thoughts when they aren’t what you want them to be. Pray for this young man and his future wife. Ask that the Lord keep both of them pure for each other. Pray for yourself and your future mate in the same way. Another suggestion would be to memorize scripture and say it to yourself or even say it out loud if you need to when you are tempted to fantasize about a guy. I would recommend you start with Philippians 4:8. It will guide you in your thoughts and keep you on the right track. Keep guarding your heart, Becca. Praying for you!
    on Wednesday, November 16, 2011 at 2:40 pm
    I don't think hugss are bad I'm uncomfortable with men touching my back, I like it... But that's the problem. You say treat them as I would my brother .. I'm soooo much more affectionate with my brother than any boyfriend I would ever have probably. I mean he was my everything growing up.. I don't see him that often but when I do I'm attached to his side (literally I'm hugging or wrapping my arms around him or my hands are somehow in contact with him not in a sinful or impure way but I'm just Avery physically affectionate person so to treat my brothers in Christ as a brother would not be very comfortable for them I'd probably be okay... To a point I have limits but it's not easy...
    Joy S.
    on Wednesday, November 16, 2011 at 3:28 pm
    Hey, had no idea there was another Joy on here! I think I'll add my last initial from now on to distinguish. =)

    This was such a good post to read. I've so often wondered how far is too far. The "no hinting" and the "unlit fire" really spoke to me. Thanks Erin!
    on Wednesday, November 16, 2011 at 5:09 pm
    Hey girls, thanks soo much for all the encouragent, advice and more. It really encouraged me and now I have some better ideas for what to do like pray when I am thinking about him!

    Also, thanks a lot for sharing your own stories, that helped too.

    Thanks again. :)
    Your welcome!
    on Wednesday, November 16, 2011 at 6:39 pm
    sure! and it encourged me to know that I'M not the only one lol.. I'll be praying for you Becca! (:
    You're Welcome, Becca! :)
    on Wednesday, November 16, 2011 at 7:00 pm
    You're very welcome, Becca! I'm so glad to be able to encourage and pray for you(:
    on Wednesday, November 16, 2011 at 9:38 pm
    I had a boyfriend last year and I totally regret some of the stuff we did. I knew it was wrong and it shows how strong temptation can be. But I'm in the process of forgiving myself since I'm having a hard time doing that. I've repented thousands of times! This has definitely been a lesson learned!
    On purity
    on Wednesday, November 16, 2011 at 10:29 pm
    This is the VERY thing I needed to hear right now. Lately I've realized I've compromised way too much. I don't want to look back and regret that I pushed the boundaries as far as they could go just for a fleeting moment of physical intimacy. Everything in me says it's okay, but I know God can't bless this relationship unless He is the very center. I've got to stop feeding my flesh.
    My Story
    on Thursday, November 17, 2011 at 1:06 am
    Today I felt drawn to share my story with you all, so here goes. I grew up in a Christian household and was always given the impression that sex was something disgusting and immoral. However when I went to highschool I began to move away from christianity and chose my own way to live. through out highschool (I am a first year university student now) I engaged in sexual relationships and discovered the physical joys of sex. When I was entering my graduating I had a pregnancy scare that changed my life dramatically. To this day I do not know whether or not I miscarried or was simply not pregnant and very (very) late because I never went to a doctor. The pain of realizing that I might have lost an unborn child was very great. Though this may seem silly to many of you I was, and still am, a little heart broken everytime I think of that (possible) baby. After that scare I stayed away from sex for just about a year. And then I met a great guy. He was fun, smart and beautiful and we spent one amazing summer together during which time we did sleep together. However, as the end of the summer neared I began to truly hate him. It was nothing he had done or no way he had acted it was simply the fact that I had given him everything and was now completely vulnerable. I have extreme trust issues and hate feeling like anyone has any power over me. When I sleep with a guy I always end up hating them afterwards because I feel the need to distance myself from them as soon as possible because they know me too well. I am not trying to tell anyone not to have sex or to do it... I feel like I have no right to tell anyone what to do after all I have done myself. I am sorry about the rant... take what you can from my story and make of it what you will. I will not deny that sex does initially feel great, and not only the physical aspects of it but the initial feeling of closeness with a person. But, for me at least, the extremely vulnerable place that it puts you in makes me feel too exposed and open after a while and eventually has ruined my relationships
    on Thursday, November 17, 2011 at 1:31 am
    Ok so there is the guy in my youth group and it is sooo clear that he likes me, but I dont really like him. To me its harmless unless boundaries are crossed. So every time he passes me or sits next to me and gets up and crosses in front of me he touches me leg as he is passing, what is the best way to tell he to back off, but in a nice way but still making sure he gets the point? I mean he trys to hold my hand and make hugs last for like 20 mins. but at the same time i dont want to be mean or come off wrong. He is a nice guy and we are friends but I just dont want the friendship to start getting akward!! Help!!!
    Re: Brittany
    on Thursday, November 17, 2011 at 7:41 am
    Brittany, I'm right there with ya on the whole trying to forgive myself for the things I've done with my ex! I know the Lord forgives us when we confess those sins, if we have a relationship with Him through Jesus. So awesome and freeing! But yes. It's still hard to forgive ourselves. One thing I've learned as of late is that Satan WANTS to get us down with our past sins. That little nasty has reminded me basically from the time I wake up to the time I go to bed, multiple times a day, of memories with my old boyfriend (a good Christian boy, even!). (And he doesn't stop there - I've had dreams with the boy in them too.) Memories of any physical touch we had, any times we said "I love you" to one another, any kisses I planted on him or he on me...those bring lots of regrets! Especially when you don't talk to the guy much anymore, mainly due to him, and wonder how awkward it might be when we see each other next (that, though, is something that God will take care of. It hurts, but I will trust Him on that. Anyone else know how I feel about that one? The whole awkwardness thing?) Anyways, Satan tries to make me sad with thoughts of how unspecial it is that I won't be able to experience these little "firsts" with my future husband, whoever he is, because I will have already given them away to this boy. Same with the boy - we were each other's first relationship, so I helped take away some of him from his future wife. Scary thought.
    When these thoughts come, let's all tell Satan exactly where he needs to be - away from our minds!! - and cling to the Lord. Remember to confess those sins, and even to a close girlfriend if you can. That has been one of the most freeing things ever.
    Even if you have to pray every other second (I know I have - especially while studying while it's quiet and thoughts can just enter their way in!) pray for peace and ask Jesus to show you his Princely love towards us. He will. They say time heals, but it's not healing my heart like I thought it was, because it's been a long while since we've broken up. What heals is focusing on "Jesus-truth", as my girlfriends and I call it. Just verses that you can focus on and truths about yourself and God's character that you can bring to mind when those depressing thoughts and painful memories come back!
    Erin, thanks SO MUCH FOR THIS BLOG!
    on Thursday, November 17, 2011 at 2:18 pm
    This is way off topic but I don't know who to ask about this question so I am just going to ask it on here. I am in band and am good at it. I have this dream of one day getting into a proffesional orchestra. I can't imagine ever being done with band. But lately I have been reading books on biblical motherhood. I have come to realize that having a career and being a mother would not work for me. I have always wanted to be a stay at home mom. I don't know how to give up my dream though. I mean, what if I never even get married!? I would have given up an incredible dream for nothing! I am struggling with the thought of giving up my dream. Also, why would God give me this talent and then have me not use it for anything but maybe teaching a few lessons as soon as I have kids. It seems like a waste. I know I need help but I don't know who to turn to. I know saying that a talent I have would be wasted on motherhood is not the correct way of looking at it but how else should I look at it? I don't want to have a career as well as be a mother. It wouldn't work. I want to be a stay at home mom, but I want to pursue my dream also! Maybe I could give up my dream but how? What if I give it up and then never get married? I would be stuck in some boring job I didn't like instead of doing something I love. Please help. I don't know what to do. I don't have anyone I can ask about this yet. I am going to maybe talk it over with my parents sometime but I'm not ready yet. I don't have a youth leader I can talk to so I am stuck with nowhere to turn. I don't have a godly older lady in my life besides my mother who I can talk to and I am just not ready to discuss this with my parents yet. Please, does anyone have any suggestions?
    Erin Davis
    on Thursday, November 17, 2011 at 3:22 pm
    I really appreciate that you are thinking through these important issues. I talk to a lot of young women who dismiss motherhood all together because they think a career is more important. I am glad you are willing to wrestle with God's heart on this issue.

    I would strongly encourage you to read the section "Lies About the Future" in the Lies Young Women Believe book if you haven't already done so. It gives great guidance on some of the specific questions you asked.

    But...can I just say that I think you are putting God in a box. You have one idea of how God can or cannot use your talents. You're going to have to trust that He has something bigger.

    Why did He give you those talents? For His glory. Period. Not necessarily to play in a orchestra full time. But maybe that is what He has in mind for you.

    As far as not being able to play music and be a great mom, I guess I don't understand why not. I've always had a dream to be a writer, since I was a very little girl. And I have always had a talent for it, because God gave that to me. Guess what I also have? Two adorable little boys. I love being a momma and I take that role very seriously. But God also gives me lots of opportunities to write and speak (and people even pay me for it:) It actually works very well with our family arrangements because I am home most of the time and can write while they are napping or playing. I do leave them sometimes to go and speak or to write while someone else keeps them, but our schedule is very flexible and I get to be with them most of the time.

    Looking back I can see all the ways God orchestrated my current job for me so that I could be home with my kids. If someone had told me 10 years ago, what my life would look like, I might be tempted to say something like you did, "That won't work!" But God is big enough to work out a way to use the talents He has given me for His glory and allow me to be a mom who pours into her kids.

    I hope this helps some. I would be happy to keep talking about this important issue.

    Joy S.
    on Thursday, November 17, 2011 at 3:52 pm
    I have never been through what you describe, so maybe I'm not qualified to write this, but hurt for you as I read your comment. When did these things happen? And do you still engage in them? You say you stopped believing in high school - are you a believer now?

    Even if you are a believer now, you have a lot of pain to work through. I pray for you, dear girl.

    From your comment though, esp. what you say about not going to recommend sex or discourage people from sex, I feel like maybe you are not. Anne, I hope you don't feel offended when I say this; I speak out of love. You seem like you understand that having sex before marriage is not right before God. Anne, this is sin. The reason you hurt so much after you give yourself away is because every time we are physically intimate with someone we become emotionally "addicted" to them. And sex - God calls it "knowing" your partner (see Genesis). It is the most intimate of intimacies, a picture of Christ's marriage to His Church. That's why it's sacred, and meant to be enjoyed between one man and one woman only within the bounds of marriage.

    But Anne, whatever you have done, if you repent God will forgive you. This is what Jesus came to take upon Himself: all our sin and all the pain sin causes. Let Him heal you. This was the sole purpose of Christ's birth, life, death, and resurrection: He came to wipe us clean and heal our broken souls with His blood.

    I love you, Anne. And I'm praying for you.

    May the grace of God be with you.
    on Thursday, November 17, 2011 at 4:00 pm
    Erin, Thank you so much for your advice. I have the book and will definitely read that chapter again. I appreciate you telling me that I am putting God in a box. I need to be reminded sometimes that while I may not see a way God has a perfect plan for my life. I am still a few years away from college but what would be your suggestions regarding that? Do I go to a college with the goal of getting into an orchestra or do I find a different thing to go to college for? Do I just wait and pray that God would open a door for me in an area that would work with being a mother and playing music? Thank you once again for your advice. ~Meghan
    all the way
    on Thursday, November 17, 2011 at 4:33 pm
    This was an excellent post, and it's really encouraging to know that there are people like Megan and God's Jewel out there who purposefully don't make physical contact with guys to keep themselves pure. God bless all of you who desire to do right! You know, if we really and truly love those guys as our brothers in Christ, with God's love, we are not going to intentionally cause them to stumble in any way. I NEVER want to hold hands with any guy, even with my fiance, if I ever get engaged. I know what it would do to me, and also it would make holding hands alot more special on my wedding day!

    God bless!
    This was encouraging!!
    on Thursday, November 17, 2011 at 4:38 pm
    Hey everyone, I will be praying for everyone who has an issue with this topic. I don't mean to brag but I have never been in a relationship, but I hope when I get in one, its one that God approves of.
    Thanks Erin
    on Friday, November 18, 2011 at 12:01 am
    I´m a mexican girl, with desire to grown in Chris knowledge! Thanks for all your post!Many girls & boys needs listen & read this!
    Many time in the past & now i fight with masturbation, the reason see movies, videos, TV shows that only full of pollution my mind, really i believe that i need save the BETTER to my husband and to gift to my ETERNAL HUSBAND, MANY TIME I want to do good but I do not...i know that i need to kill my flesh...but is very difficult, and this is being alone, i can´t imagine when i have a boyfriend...Young people are greatly tempted, FIGHT. Many time i require died.
    Thank you Erin!
    off topic
    on Friday, November 18, 2011 at 10:21 am
    hi Erin,
    I was looking over the staff bios on the Pure Freedom website; and saw yours and it said that you had been in trouble with the secret service and that we could hear more at a secret keeper girl event but i am way to old to go and not to mention there hasn't been one around in my area. So i was wondering if you could share the story on the blog?
    hugging type
    on Friday, November 18, 2011 at 8:03 pm
    i have set boundaries in my life but when i turn my back on God i broke all of them. Now i am back i put all of them back right up holding fast to them. But not hugging people that one i just can't do i am a hugging type of person that how i Show Love but we are all uique and special i think every one should set boundaries with the word of God in Mind but also remembering what is good for u cause what one person can do and stay pure like hugging for example a next person can't even do that so Love Godc and let him lead you he will let you know when you are going to far. He always does that with me, but mosttly in other things.

    God Bless,
    how far is to far
    on Friday, November 18, 2011 at 9:27 pm
    Dear Girls
    To you who were wondering how far is to
    far.As a married women of 13 years I am
    a strong believer that if you give Satan
    your little finger he'll take your whole hand. If you start holding hands soon the newness of that will wear of and you'll start hugging and kissing and then their will be no stopping. Even if you are engaged refrain from physical touch. even though in your heart you have a strong commiment to each other in God's eyes sex and sexual thoughts about each other are sin and remain sin till your vows are said. My friends used to laugh at me and told my boyfriend he's dating a prick because I didn't believe in physical contact. But the best gift I have ever given my husband was my first kiss on our wedding night. If you have been involved in sexual sin their is forgiveness if you truly repent. If your boyfriend cannot respect your views on keeping yourself pure you deserve someone better. God Bless! I am praying for you.
    Erin Davis
    on Tuesday, November 22, 2011 at 3:03 pm
    Honestly, I am not close enough to the situation to be able to give you wise guidance. I would strongly encourage you to go to your parents with your concerns and ask them to pray with you. Also, I would talk to a wise Christian adult such as your youth pastor or youth pastors wife and ask them to pray with you and weigh in.

    This isn't something that you need to decide right now. Commit to pray. Recruit others to pray with you and be ready to obey when God shows you His will.

    Erin Davis
    on Tuesday, November 22, 2011 at 3:07 pm
    Here ya go...

    When I was in high school I went to see a Bob Dole rally. (He was running for president). I couldn't see very well so I decided to climb on top of some tall speakers. Apparently thats a no no at a presidential rally and before I knew it I was totally surrounded by guys in trench coats with sun glasses and ear pieces (just like in the movies). They asked me a few questions and escorted me to my teacher. Good times...

    on Tuesday, November 22, 2011 at 3:39 pm
    Carrie, with the LYWB team
    re: My Story
    on Tuesday, November 22, 2011 at 4:53 pm

    You have experienced the reality of what Scripture says is true - sin is pleasurable for a time (Heb. 11:25). But that pleasure cannot last, for when we sin we are walking contrary to the ways of God – the One who loved us and sent His Son, Jesus, to pay the price for our sin ( Rom. 6:23). 2 Samuel 13 describes similar feelings of hatred experienced by one who got what he wanted apart from God’s ways.

    Anne, sex was God’s idea! He created it as the deepest expression of love between a married couple. it’s not immoral or disgusting it is an act of beauty and pleasure inside the marriage relationship. Outside the marriage relationship God calls it sin ( 1 Thessalonians 4:13; 1 Corinthians 6:18).

    Proverbs 14:12 says, “There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death.”
    Oh, dear friend, that is not God’s desire for you! He longs for you to know how much He loves you! HE wants you to experience the fullness of life that Christ died to give you. He wants you to know the depth of His love for you!

    This website – Christianity Explored – is a great place for you to find out more about a personal relationship with Jesus Christ! (

    Praying for you today, friend ~
    God's Girl
    My "brothers from other mothers"
    on Tuesday, November 22, 2011 at 5:51 pm
    I have multiple friends that are guys.........(I have four brothers). And most of them I've known my whole life; I've grown up with them. I noticed that a few started taking more interest in me when we first became teens, one even told me that he liked me. So I had to tell him that we were just friends. I consider all of them to be my additional brothers. One even calls me his "sister from another mister." Another one, my best friend, keeps asking me to make sure that he's not to touchy or anything.

    Just let them know your point of view, and they should understand.
    Leah Pratt
    ALL the days... (Prov 31:12)
    on Wednesday, November 23, 2011 at 9:10 am
    Hey girls!

    I just wanted to weigh in on this topic as a 32-yr-old newlywed (yay!)...and to mention a chapter of Scripture I have not yet heard anyone refer to: Proverbs 31.

    As many of y'all know, Prov 31:10-31 talks about the "virtuous woman" and was actually a teaching tool used by a mother to instruct her son toward the kind of "wise woman" he should be looking for as a wife. Prov 31 is an "ideal" description of wisdom in womanhood, so don't worry if you're not quite there yet...I doubt any of us are, really! However, during my single years (and man, were there a lot of them!), Prov 31:12 became my theme:
    "She does [her husband] good, and not harm (or evil), all the days of her life."

    Did you see that "all" in there? ALL the days of her life, the righteous woman does her husband good--and not harm. We don't see ALL of our life at once as God does, so it's hard for us girls to see ahead far enough to realize that most of us will have husbands SOMEday. This verse encourages us to make sure we are cultivating a lifestyle of purity that will do our husbands good at ALL times in our lives, even those days before we are actually married. (All means ALL, right ladies?) Anyway, after God rocked my world with that verse--at about age 19--He turned my whole perspective of "how far is too far" around!

    In a nutshell, my teenage life had been full of disappointments in the "relationship" category. I was that girl who had guys as friends but never as boyfriends. Even though I had a few "dates" in high school (homecoming, prom, etc.), God kept his hedge of protection around me. Of course, I didn't see it that way...I saw it as "why are boys not into me?" and "will I EVER get kissed?" Anyway, suffice it to say, the Lord had better plans. After making Prov 31:12 my single lady's "battle cry," I forged ahead into my 20s committed to living a holy lifestyle...doing my husband good, and not harm, ALL of my days.

    During those years, I read a LOT of Scripture and a TON of books about relationships. After a season of singleness (which I praise God for every day, now), I met and married the love He had for me. My husband and I set our boundaries really strict and WAY up-front (in just the friendship-building stage of our courtship), and God blessed. Our first kiss was at our wedding--and let me say, ladies--it has been amazing growing closer to him in the physical aspects of love every day since.

    Praying God's best for each of you!
    Erin Davis
    Leah Pratt (and other readers)
    on Wednesday, November 23, 2011 at 9:14 am
    Congrats on your wedding! God is good.

    Just wanted to let you and the other readers know we had a post in our archives about the concept of loving your husband (or future husband) well your whole case anyone wanted to read it.

    Here is the link:


    Carrie, with the LYWB team
    on Wednesday, November 23, 2011 at 9:26 am

    I so appreciate your desire not to hurt your friend or damage your friendship; that reflects Jesus. Your friend’s actions aren’t harmless, Megan, because they don’t honor you or the Lord. He needs help in understanding this as you’ve said.

    The best way to help your friend is to have an older godly man talk with him. Would your dad be willing to do this? Or perhaps your youth pastor? Another man will be able to help him see why his behavior is inappropriate.

    Can you share what you’ve told us with your dad or youth pastor this week? They’ll know best how to respond.

    Thanks for caring enough about your friend not to let him continue down this path. You’re a true friend, Megan!
    on Wednesday, November 30, 2011 at 4:45 pm
    It's amazing reading all of your posts!!!! I can totally relate to Becca, RachelAllison, Emily and all you other girls.

    I grew up a tomboy and my best friends are guys (yes I still have really close girlfriends too). Many are my best friends still and we always hang out and joke around.

    Well one of my best guy friends, B, and I were really good friends, we poked fun at each other and sometimes flirted. Well, some one say 'no harm done' right?? Wrong.

    B's a morman and I go to the Alliance Church. He and I are both seniors and in the four years I've known him, our relationship has been this way. We don't mind flirting, poking fun, making up stories, hanging out and just being friends.

    There was a problem. Almost since day 1 of knowing B, I was very much attracted to him. I never told him but confided in one friend, a year older than us, Janelle, who ended up asking him out only weeks later (it was awkward at first because she was dating him even after I told her about my feelings!)

    B and I remained friends and he, I and Janelle relationship was rocky at various times. We fought, didn't talk, sometimes I defended one or the other of them during a break-up and saw them trash and cheat on each other. They dated on and off for a year and a half ( the whole time I still liked him).

    Now they're not dating anymore and Janelle's at college. At the beginning of our Senior year, Brandon and I's relationship was better and we were talking and spending time together again.
    I knew in my heart and my mind that their could be nothing between me and B because of our different faiths but there was still a part of me that longed to be his g.f.

    B asked me to prom and winter ball in Sept. and I was completely stoked! I was going with a really good friend (who happened to be my now, almost four year 'crush') and I excitedly told my mom who asked 'are you sure, you're only going as friends?' I assured her, yes, that we were/are nothing more but in the back of my mind there was hope that we were/could be more.

    One night, I was really frustrated with eveything going on with school, my friends and B. I confided in my mom ( I tell her everything :) ) and feesed up my feelings about B. We were sitting at the kitchen table and because of the situation (not to mention I was 'emotionally wealthy' ) I was crying. I didn't want to like B. We have diff. morals, beliefs, standards and dreams. He like diff. types of girls and wasn't a very good boyfriend to the girls he did date. I said to my mom 'I just want a taste. I want to have a b.f. and see what it would be like to date him.'

    After pouring out to my mom, she silently got up from the table, opened a cupboard, pulled out a bottle and sat back down. In her hand she had some cooking sherry. She moved a glass over in front of me and poured a little in. "Here, Megan. Here's a 'taste'.' I just stared at her as her meaning sunk in. I said "No. It's gross. And not good for me." She nodded and than proceeded to dump the rest of the bottle into the cup while saying "A little taste, leads to a big drink. Even when that taste may be a little bitter or gross, you keep on 'tasting'. If you're going to taste, you might as well drink. Do you understand?" I love my mom because I did understand.

    I knew from day 1 how diff. he and I are. I see those differences every day. I know and see how he treats his girlfriends but it was the worldly desire in me that was trying to take over my life. Satan was trying to get a foothold, to destroy my relationship with God and to also compromise my morals and purity.

    B and I are more like 'aquaintances' now. We go to the same classes, see each other in the halls but that's it. Why is that? His latest/ex girlfriend. He just stopped talking to me and even now that they're 'on a break' he still won't aknowledge that I exist. I am a little sad that it's come to this, that we can't be friends anymore, but I know that it's for the best, for both of us. He and I aren't going to ball or prom with each other anymore and I'm actually going with one of my best friends, Scott, who I know will all and all be a better date (and a better friend). Our ball is actually this weekend and I'm excited for it!! :)

    What have a learned from the last four years?

    Boys are not all that.
    I don't need a boyfriend.
    I don't have to like a guy right now.
    God's purpose in my life is much greater than the my plans.
    My mom is 99.99% of the time right.
    Liking and/or dating a non-christian/diff. denomination is dangerous.
    My purity is that much more important to me.
    My morals should never be compromised.
    God's got the perfect-for-me man out there that is waiting for me.

    Don't give up. Wait for the right guy. Be still and listen to/for God. You're not doomed to be alone for the rest of your life. You're not the only one that goes through this. God loves you and knows the desires of your heart.

    God Bless you Girls!!
    ~Megan 'sing-a-song'~
    on Monday, January 9, 2012 at 10:24 pm
    Thanks for the advice. Well I wouldnt let my dad say anything (he doesnt even know), because he is not saved and probably wouldnt have the right or Christian word to say. I do have a youth pastor that has known me since I was 7 (I am 16) so he is like my second dad. :) He would be happy to help, but I have really been praying for him and he has definetly been a lot better, i told him that I do need that personal space and as my friend if he would respect me not to cross it and its been better. (not word for word though) Thanks again for all the support!!! Stay Strong!!!! :)
    Carrie, with the LYWB team
    on Tuesday, January 10, 2012 at 1:57 pm
    So glad to hear the Lord is answering our prayers! Thanks for letting me know, Megan! Do talk with your youth pastor if you encounter the same problems in the future!

    Blessings to you, friend!
    on Saturday, January 28, 2012 at 12:18 pm
    Thank Carrie, it means alot, I hope God blesses you for your amazing advice and wisdom. Your amaing!!!
    Love Megan
    I Have A Question
    on Sunday, January 29, 2012 at 11:01 pm
    At True Love Waits, which I went to this past weekend, they constantly talked about saving ourselves for our husbands so that we don't have so much baggage to carry around on our wedding day. So, my question is, what is baggage? I know that there can be baggage from physical things, and that clearly these things should be avoided so that we can avoid the baggage. But I was wondering if there can be baggage if you spend time with guys just as friends, or if you say that you're dating, but just with the physical aspect cut out? Is there a line drawn for friendships with guys too, or is it only the physical aspect and how much time we spent together if we do call it dating? I hope this isn't confusing.
    Carrie, with the LYWB team
    re: I Have A Question
    on Wednesday, February 1, 2012 at 12:14 pm

    I love your heart to remain pure for your husband and I’m so glad you were able to attend the True Love Waits conference. You’ve asked some great questions related to your time there!

    You’re right, Chloe, physical intimacy outside of marriage does create great baggage. There’s also emotional baggage that results when we” give pieces of our heart” to boyfriends along the way. Going from one relationship to another can even lay a foundation of thinking that makes it easier to consider divorce when we enter marriage and things get difficult.

    Guarding our hearts as single women helps protect us from much of that emotional baggage. Here are two of Erin’s posts that will help to answer your questions! – To date or not to date? – What’s the difference between courtship and dating?

    Praying you’ll be captivated by Jesus love for you today, friend and His awesome, unimaginable plans for your life!

    Eye has not seen and ear has not heard, and which have not entered the heart of man, all that God has planned for those who love Him (1 Corinthians 2:9).
    on Thursday, June 7, 2012 at 3:25 pm
    How can you go too far within marriage with your spouse?
    Carrie, with the LYWB team
    Re: ???
    on Monday, June 11, 2012 at 9:13 am
    Sexual intimacy in marriage is indeed a gift from the Lord. Linda Dillow, author of Intimate Issues suggests three questions that help evaluate sexual practices between a husband and wife.

    • Is it prohibited in Scripture? If not, we may assume it is permitted. (1 Corinthians 6:12)
    • Is it beneficial? Does the practice in any way harm the husband or wife or hinder the sexual relationship? If so, it should be rejected. (1 Corinthians 6:12).
    • Does it involve anyone else? Sexual activity is sanctioned by God for husband and wife only. If a sexual practice involves someone else or becomes public, it is wrong based on Hebrews 13:4 which warns us to keep the marriage bed undefiled. (This would include the fantasy of sexual relations with another individual.)
    on Friday, June 29, 2012 at 12:00 am
    Just a couple years ago, I was worrying about my cousin (and best friend). I asked her if she was still "pure". She told me "it depend on what you mean by pure." She told me that she had done things that were close to, but not sex. I new what she meant, and I was very disappointed, but I really did not want to hurt her feelings, so I said nothing. She doesn't know any better, and i am thinking I really should talk to her, but i just don't know what to say, or do. I know myself there is no thing that is close to sex, it either is, or isn't. I really want to talk to her, but i have no clue what to say.............:(
    Lorree, with the LYWB team
    on Monday, July 2, 2012 at 3:45 pm
    That is an important subject that all girls need to grapple with. Thank you, Melissa, for being concerned for your cousin and wanting to help her. One idea you might do is to give her the link to this blog so that she is hearing Truth spoken on a consistent basis. Maybe you could do a book study/Bible study with her and go through the book “Lies Young Women Believe” or “And the Bride Wore White” by Dannah Gresh.

    One of the best ways you can help her is to pray for her, Melissa, and ask God to protect her and to open her eyes to the Truth. Then when you are with her, and you are talking, you can share Scripture with her and share why you believe what you believe – not in a condemning kind of way, but in a way that exposes her to your way of thinking.

    I’m praying for you Melissa, and asking God to show you the way to reach the heart of your dear cousin. Thanks for loving her enough to be concerned for her and want to help her!
    Went to far and regret it.
    on Tuesday, July 24, 2012 at 6:33 pm
    I began courtship with someone 8 months ago. We had been good friends for about 8 months prior to that. I had certain standards for purity that I shared. But unfortunately, I allowed him to wear me down. I tried a couple more times make a stand and still I let him convince me that it was not improper in regards to the scriptures.
    I made a final stand a few days ago. Now we are taking some space away from each other. I have a lot of anger both towards him and myself. Anger towards him not respecting me in the past months of our relationshp and manipulating me by playing into my fear of loss of the relationship. Anger at myself for not standing up to what I believe and instead dishonoring myself, God, my future husband. Someone had to do it, I apparently had the understanding of what was right and wrong, but instead of honoring God, I allowed myself to succumb to the pressure. Girls, take it from me - your boyfriend is not your security. And any guy who is trying to wear you down and doesn't want to respect your boundaries and attacks your desire for how you believe purity should be managed - that is someone who is not worth giving yourself to.

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