Trevor Declares His Undying Love . . . Sorta

Trevor and I met in “The Promised Land” (a.k.a. Chick-fil-A) on a Saturday night last summer. (If you’re just joining us, I’m sharing my journey from “boy-crazy to my man” this week on the blog. Click here and here for the first two posts.)

We’d never even talked on the phone before—just written back and forth on Facebook for the past four months, but it was as comfortable as could be from the get-go. He was sitting at a table when I walked in—not holding a rose like in romance novels—but reading a book in true Trevor-fashion.

We did all sorts of “manly” things together that long weekend (remember, I was trying to show him a good time!), like exploring an abandoned house, shooting guns, lifting weights, hiking through a riverbed, canoeing, swimming in the lake, and making a bonfire. We ate. And talked. That was my favorite part. We talked about what we were looking for in a spouse, theological beliefs, and past experiences.

While I prepared to say goodbye for good, he did it. He did what God created men to do; he initiated.

Tuesday morning, as we met at Chick-fil-A for one last meal before he headed back to New York, I fought back tears. We’d become even better friends over the long weekend, but I had no idea if I’d ever see this guy again. I wasn’t about to put him on the spot and ask, “Sooooo . . . what are you thinking about us?”

But while I prepared to say goodbye for good, he did it. He did what God created men to do; he initiated. It went something like this:

T: “So, how do you think this weekend went?”
Me: “It was fun!”
T: “Where do you see our relationship going?”
Me: “You tell me. I’m wide open.” (I’m not sure he was expecting that answer!)

He let me know he had qualms about a long-distance relationship, so he wanted to take a few days to seek advice about how to pursue me from nine hours away.

I sent him on his way with some black licorice Swedish dogs, overwhelmed by God’s wonderful surprise and by Trevor acting like a man should. I was on top of the world . . . until the morning.

All too soon I pulled out my journal, and my sin spilled out:

Today I was ungrateful for all God has done and just wanted more. I wanted Trevor to pursue me now.

He’s seeking the Lord about how to do that, but I want and expect to be fawned over and contacted and pursued hotly from his first admission of liking me.

Thank You, God, for this training ground. I want to learn now how to thank You for what he does rather than focusing on what he doesn’t do.

So thank You for his sensitivity and leadership in texting me this today:

“I don’t know if I said this when we had breakfast yesterday, but I want to make sure I’m clear on this—I like you, too, and the question I face is, ‘How might a relationship like this work?’ So that’s the main thing I’m going to try to work through in the coming days and such. Just wanted to maintain the clarity a bit. “

I continued writing,

I also confess that when I responded to his text and admitted my struggle with him only telling me I “had a good head on my shoulders,” I didn’t think of how that would sound to him (probably like “You failed”). I wanted him to text me back saying,

“Of course! Dumb me. You must be wondering WHY I like you. WHAT I like about you. Where should I start?” (This is where I imagined him rattling off a long list.)

Forgive me for seeking to manipulate him. For trying to gauge my worth on his praise of me.

Here it is again. I want to be worshipped rather than to worship the only worthy God. I am an idolater. A breaker of the first commandment. Rescue me, Abba.

Almost instantly I came face to face with my ugly expectations for a dating relationship. It was as if I no longer cherished our friendship; I only wanted romance . . . and now! How patient Trevor was with me as I worked through my junk. I’ve already written about that season in these two posts: “When a Fantasy Romance Seems So Much Better Than a Real One” and “My Ugly Expectations for My Boyfriend.” They’ll give you a good idea of what this man has put up with!

So . . . what gave me the confidence to move forward with this man even when he wasn’t meeting all my crazy expectations for 24/7 romance? Check back tomorrow to hear the three main things that caused me to joyfully and confidently say “yes!” when Trevor asked me to be his wife this past April.

About Author

Paula Marsteller

Paula no longer tries to catch guys' attention by swallowing live goldfish, arm wrestling, and jumping down flights of stairs. (She's married to a wonderful man now!) She spends her days caring for her son, Iren, and writing for Revive Our Hearts. She's the author of Confessions of a Boy-Crazy Girl: On Her Journey from Neediness to Freedom, and she and her family live in New York.

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  • Sarah Denise Moran

    I love reading your story! I especially loved the bit where you struggled with trying not to base your worth on what your now future husband says about you. 😊😊
    “Here it is again. I want to be worshipped rather than to worship the only worthy God. I am an idolater. A breaker of the first commandment. Rescue me, Abba”
    Thank you for sharing! God bless.

    • phendricks

      Thanks, Sarah! Definitely an ongoing battle. 🙂

  • Becca<3

    Doing it again. I can’t handle the suspense! Thank you Paula, for being willing to share your struggles, I have been learning much from your story:)

    • phendricks

      🙂

  • This is sweet, and I’m sure that God will use this journey of yours to minister to a lot of other girls! Blessings, Jazzy

    • phendricks

      Thanks, Jazzy!

  • Deena Maga

    That’s nice congradualtions!!!! :). It happend so fast!!. God is good :).

    • phendricks

      He is. Thank you, Deena.

  • Anonymous

    I need help with a situation I’m going through, but I don’t want to post it publicly on here. Where can I email you?

  • Sara

    Hi Paula,
    I enjoyed reading your story today, but I will say that I think you might have been over-thinking some of it. It’s totally normal to have feelings of uncertainty, doubt, and to want to know what’s going on and have clarity in a relationship that’s at its beginning stages. There is nothing wrong or sinful about these feelings. While it’s not okay to manipulate people, it’s also a normal human reaction to want to be liked and to want to have people tell us why. It doesn’t mean that you’re an idolator because you want to fulfill a basic human need for connection and relationship. I notice a trend in Christianity today in which we beat ourselves up or think we’re sinning when we experience normal human emotions. Sorry to sound negative, but it can be really unhealthy to think that you are constantly failing. Good luck to you and Trevor!

    • phendricks

      Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Sara. I can understand how it would appear that way to you. My journal entries can sound rather melodramatic!

      I will say this has been a long, ongoing battle in my life—basing my worth on what a guy(s) think of me. Not seeking to model an “I’m-constantly-failing” outlook, but an “I-recognize-what’s-going-on-in-my-heart-and-am-repenting” moment.

      Thanks!

      paula

  • Dee

    Paula – weren’t worried about the both of you hanging out by yourself. Where does boundaries come in place – or is it because you both knew the meeting was platonic?

    • phendricks

      Hey, Dee,

      We met in a public place–Chick-fil-A, so I didn’t have any worries.

      Thanks for asking,

      paula

  • Betty

    Wow I am married but these post especially the journal part is so humbling. That right there is a heart loving God even when it gets self centred and anxious. Thanks Paula

  • Kiley

    It is so good to see that there are Christian men out there who want to pursue you the way God wants them to! To do the initiating instead of waiting on us girls to do all the work! Thanks for Giving me hope that I can find one in the midst of wading through all these non-spiritual losers, I mean fellas 😉

  • Alex G

    I just found this blog last night, but these posts are so timely and inspiring. Your honesty with God through journals is something I have trouble with, but reading yours has inspired me to go to God without fear and anxiety that I may say something wrong, but to be completely honest about how I feel about all things, especially my struggle with being single. Thank you for your posts on your journey not only with Trevor, but with the Lord as well.

  • Gabrielle

    Can’t wait to keep reading…. I’m so behind