Who Is Safe to Tell?

From the LYWB.com Team: We know your generation, more than any before, is being pummeled with messages about sexuality, specifically, same-sex attraction and behavior. We want to fearlessly but carefully point you toward God’s truth on these issues, so we’ve recruited the help of a friend of the blog, Laurie Krieg. Laurie has a personal connection with this specific struggle and a heart to see young women choose truth and live in freedom. If you missed it, check out yesterday’s post on what to do if you are tempted with SSA. Be sure to hop back on the blog tomorrow for the conclusion of this series.

You’re struggling with sexual temptation, specifically attraction to someone of the same gender, and you feel like there isn’t a single soul you can tell. Sexual struggles can feel so lonely and shame-filled. Friends and mentors can help pull us out of self-hatred and shame and direct us toward true love.

We need people who are willing to tell us what we need to hear: biblical truth dripping with sincere love.

As promised, here are a few indicators to know if someone is safe to tell. What we mean by “safe” is someone who meets these criteria is likely to respond to your struggle with the right balance of compassion and truth. They can point you toward God’s Word as you seek to bring your temptations under the authority of Christ. These are not guarantees. If you see all four in someone, pray, pray, and pray some more for their heart to be receptive to you before sharing your deepest struggles.

1. Safe people love God and produce fruit.

Safe people love God and people. You know it’s sincere love if you see the fruit of it in their lives.

“You will recognize them by their fruits” (Matt. 7:16).

The “fruit” referenced in this verse is the fruit of the Holy Spirit and includes love, joy, peace, patience, and kindness (Gal. 5:22–23). Safe people don’t have to perfectly bear fruit every minute, but you can see evidence of God’s love in them in how people are drawn to them and how after being with them everyone is more loving, peaceful, patient, and kind.

2. Safe people know they are weak and in need of Jesus.

I know someone is safe if they know their own weaknesses and are asking God to transform them. I am always nervous around people who think they’ve “got it.” Paul—the writer of most of the New Testament—called himself the worst of sinners (1 Tim. 1:15). I want my mentors and friends to be aware of their weaknesses in this same way.

3. Safe people speak truth without condemnation.

We need people who are willing to tell us what we need to hear: biblical truth dripping with sincere love. “This does not mean that they are not accepting, but it means that in their acceptance of us, they are honest about our faults without condemning us,” Henry Cloud and John Townsend say in their “What Are Safe People?” article.

Condemnation and conviction are totally different. Conviction feels like God pointing at one specific area where you can confess. Condemnation (often paired with oodles of shame) feels like someone taking your face and grinding it in the sidewalk.

Conviction says, “This specific thing is wrong”; condemnation says, “Your whole person is wrong.” There is “no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Rom. 8:1). If someone speaks truth with condemnation, they are not safe.

4. Safe people speak compassionately about LGBTQ+/SSA (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer or questioning “plus” or same-sex attracted) people.

Sin is sin. We’re all sinners. Safe people get this. Sexual sin does have more devastating consequences than say gossiping about your math teacher (1 Cor. 6:18), but all sin separates us from God. If someone says it is the ultimate sin, then they are outright wrong.

The word “abomination” used to describe same-sex behavior in Leviticus is also used in Proverbs to describe a lying tongue and feet that race to do wrong (Prov. 6:16–18). Additionally, Bible never calls the struggle with same-sex temptation a sin, only the behavior. This includes inward behavior that no one knows about but you, such as indulging in lustful thoughts (1 Cor. 6:9; Lev. 18:22; Rom. 1:27).

If you hear an elevation of a sexual sin struggle over others, then this person would not be the best to talk to at this point. Perhaps one day but not today.

These four qualities are indicators someone is safe, but not a guarantee. Like I do every time before I share my story and struggles, pray for the receivers of your words. “God, please prepare their hearts. I know they might reject me, but do You reject me?”

His answer? No way!

“I am as likely to reject my people Israel as I am to abolish the laws of nature!” God says in Jeremiah 31:36 (NLT). The last time I checked, gravity still works. God has not rejected nature, and as long as you are seeking Him, He will not reject you.

Before I sign off from this series, I am going to share one more post about what to do if you are tossed aside by people. See you tomorrow?

About Author

Laurie Krieg

Laurie Krieg is the founder of Hole in my Heart Ministries, a compassionate counseling ministry for those wrestling with issues related to sexuality. Laurie blogs, mentors, speaks nationally, and podcasts. She also serves as a director on the board of The Center for Faith, Sexuality & Gender. In her free time Laurie enjoys playing superheroes with her daughters, and running so she can eat more cookies. To learn more about Laurie and all she does visit himhministries.com.

HEY, GIRLS! We love hearing from you, but feel limited in the ways we can help. For one thing, we’re not trained counselors. If you’re seeking counsel, we encourage you to talk to your pastor or a godly woman in your life as they’ll know more details and can provide you with ongoing accountability and help. Also, the following comments do not necessarily reflect the views of Revive Our Hearts. We reserve the right to remove comments which might be unhelpful, unsuitable, or inappropriate. We may edit or remove your comment if it:

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  • Someone

    Thank u for this. . .I was just thinking about this today. I don’t fit in with the average girls. I struggle with my gender. I’m EXTREMELY embarrassed about it because. . .when I explain the problem to my average Christian friends they kinda back off. I feel freakish. . .because some days I feel more-so feminine. . .needy and other days. . .I feel (not necessarily male, but. . .def feministic and independent.) I don’t experience extreme dysphoria or whatever you want to call it…but I’m really embarrassed to share my story. I just wish I was a normal girl. . .

    • Laurie Krieg

      Oh man…thank you for your honesty. You ARE normal. Dear friend, you are simply more honest than the average bear. All of us wrestle with feeling “other.” Some women feel like they like boys more than others, some feel like they are uglier than others, some feel like they can’t ever say the right thing…but I feel you. I wrestle similarly to the “otherness” you feel: I feel like when I share my story with some Christian women they look at me like I am a freak. But you know what I’ve learned? Perhaps only a small minority feel that way, but the rest are like, “Oh man, I don’t want to hurt her. I care about her. What do I say?” It’s not that they hate you, it’s that they don’t know how to show you they love you. Don’t give up, dear friend. I am going to pray for you right now that he shows you someone(s) who is safe. I am also going to pray that the Chuch becomes increasingly knowledgeable and safe for people like us who struggle with our sexuality or gender. Be patient…God is on the move. Trust His love for you no matter what, and trust that even if others treat you differently and “abnormal” you are not to Him.

      • Someone

        Seriously after I read this. . .I almost wanted to cry. LOL. . .It’s so easy to be ashamed of these struggles, but if we dealt with them like Jesus does. . .which is like a ”cast your cares.. . ” Literally toss them on Him. He doesn’t say ”scream and panic and pick up an addiction and hide and hurt yourself.”
        He says I will never leave. Come and I give thee rest. Cast your cares. he makes the struggle. . .less of YOUR struggle and more of His project.

        Seriously I forget to give Him my cares a lot. . .and it always ends up in regret. But when I just talk to Him about it. . .and let Him deal with me . . .It’s relief. .. sometimes its like instant relief.. . or slower relief. Sometimes He doesn’t take the feelings away. . .but instead wants me to just trust Him. That’s the hardest.

        Thank you so much. . .Mam. . .your words really helped me out. God bless. 🙂 You are right. . .The church needs to stop panicking. . .lol and just start casting their fears on Jesus. I think that one verse can solve almost every problem in the church. 🙂

        • Laurie Krieg

          Yes! You are right. God, help us to remember to give all of our burdens on you.

          You’re not alone, sister.

    • Nicole

      If it helps, there’s also a perfectly reasonable biological explanation for this too! It’s called….the menstrual cycle! Literally your brain chemistry changes into four different things throughout the different phases of the month! So at the beginning of your cycle, it’s normal to feel confident, bold, even masculine, or just like things don’t seem to get to you as much. While at the end of the cycle, it’s very common to feel more “touchy,” needy, sensitive, or just that you’re taking things totally differently than you would have only two weeks prior. It’s related to the complex dance and interplays of LH, FSH, progesterone, and estrogen. Don’t worry, it’s normal process and you’re still a female. 🙂
      PS- I’m a nurse

      • Someone

        Thank you Mam. . .I will keep this in mind. . .It definitely makes me feel more normal 😀